19 Weeks – It’s A…….!

A very common question from everyone, once you are pregnant, is whether or not you are going to find out the sex of your baby.  I always knew I would.  I am a straight type A person who needs to plan, plan, and plan.  I could not keep sane decorating a nursery and buying clothes for a child I did not know the gender of.  I have had friends that have not found out the gender and I applaud them.  I get how cool it would be to find out that day, I do get it.  However, they are stronger than I am.

Yesterday Rebecca joined the Husband and I for the anatomy scan and to find out if we were right on our assumption that the human I am growing is indeed a girl.  I can finally say that yes, we are having a girl!  I now feel like we can say, game on! Let the shopping begin!

Our appointment went really well.  She is measuring exactly as she should be and weighs 10 oz.  We have a  perinatologist that we meet with, whom I adore, and he has eased so much anxiety with this pregnancy.  He spent a lot of time explaining everything as he measured her and did extensive looks at her heart as we are keeping a specific eye out for that due to my family’s heart issues.  We will do another anatomy in eight weeks as there is concern that the heart medication that I take will slow her growth.

We happily left with a string of ultrasound pictures.  Rebecca thought it was very nice of them to give us all those pictures for free.  Yes, free, that is what happened there.



5 Years Ago In A Blog World

Thank goodness for Facebook and its never-ending reminders of where you were at in your life 1,2,3,+ years ago.  A great reminder popped up on a friend’s timeline that she shared with me this weekend that had me recalling really great memories.

Five years ago I spent a week in both southern California and Las Vegas.  I accepted an invitation for a blog get together with a little over 100 women that I had never met, nor talked to on the phone.  They were women in my comments section, women whose stories I had followed for so long, women who I shared late night emails with and we were each others cheering section in life.   We shared similar stories in our lives, divorces and rough break-ups but there were 5 of us specifically out to meet one another.  We had a bond that spanned across different backgrounds and across the United States but we had so much in common.  So, I booked a flight and we coordinated hotel rooms via email.

I wish I could say it was strange to meet up with these girls but it was anything but that.  One shared her home for the first few days, we did tourist things in LA, we shared a hotel room in Vegas, we drank too much, we partied our hearts out and walked the Vegas strip late at night.  These were women who I only knew through the computer screen, who held me up at a time when I needed it the most.  Women who knew my deepest, darkest secrets, and I theirs.  Yet, we didn’t judge.  We laughed and carried on like we had known one another for years.  In a way we did.  We knew one another in a way that our closest friends in real life didn’t.

These women are still in my life today and I consider them some of my closest friends.  It has been five years.  Five years since we first met face to face and we have each come a long ways in life.  I have gone through a miscarriage at the same time as one them and I am grateful to say we are now due with our rainbow babies at nearly the same time.  Three of us, since that time, have found the love of our lives and have married them.  One of these women made the trek to my own wedding in Mexico.  Each of our blogs has moved on to a different place and life.  The barrier of a blog screen is down between us but the lines of communication and ability to share whatever we need to share is there.

While my first blog held one of the hardest times of my life, it was raw and emotional, it brought some of the greatest people in my life.  At a time when I felt like I lost a lot of faith, they restored my faith in humanity and showed me what true friendship can be.  So those who wonder about the people behind the comments and the stats on their blog, they are real, they are human, they take time out of their day to read how yours is, they care.  I hope that you understand that when you are typing out your words, late at night, you are not alone.  There are people cheering you on in the world, people who support you and want to see you succeed.

I look back on the past five years and I am so proud of each one of us.  Life happens and it happens quick but it makes it even better with the amazing people that stand next to you.  Here is to the next five years ladies. Cheers.

Irrational Fears

After my miscarriage I had a lot of issues with fears over my Husband.  I would often panic that he wasn’t going to make it home, get an accident, suddenly die in his sleep, etc.  Until he was safely home every night, my mind would run rampant with worst case scenarios.  I don’t know where it came from but I read of other people experiencing the same thing.  The fears faded with time as things got back to a new normal but in the past couple of weeks it has reemerged.

I think it is the curse of three’s or whatever you want to call it.  It seems when one person dies, more follow, whether you know them closely or not.  I think that is what is starting to feed this fear of mine again.  This month feels like we have been surrounded by death, illness, and bad news.  People with sick newborns, preemie babies, young husband’s/father’s dying of cancer, car accidents, it seems we have had or heard it all.

Last night my Husband called me, as always, to say he was on his way home.  It should take him 30 minutes.  At the 40 minute mark I was nearing the panic button, assuming the worst.  Is it the pregnancy?  Hormones?  Is this normal?  I would think so.  I don’t assume I am exempt from worst case scenarios.  I don’t want to think “It will never happen to me” because things do happen, life happens.  No matter what, having a baby, is a big life change and my brain must be starting to register a lot of it.  Then again, when this type of stuff happens to anyone it can cause them to reevaluate.

At the same time, I don’t want to live in this constant state of fear.  It isn’t realistic, worth it or good for me.  I’m looking for a balance.  I need to step back and take a few more deep breaths.  That is my goal this weekend.  To pray for those that need it a bit more, be thankful for the little moments, and deal with my anxiety instead of feeding it.

Have you or anyone else you known dealt with this?

18 Weeks- Questions

I have always asked the same questions to my pregnant friends throughout the years.  To be on the other end of it is so interesting.  I think I find it odd to have the focus on me to be quite honest.  Or the fact that after trying for so long and then keeping things to ourselves, it is strange to have people ask pointed, very personal questions about your pregnancy and soon-to-be-parenting.  It was different when we were planning a wedding or building a house.  The questions don’t get overly personal then and they are mostly fun but this is a whole new ballgame.

Sure you get your basic questions from people who I really don’t mind answering…..

Are you finding out what you are having? Yes! May 27th!

What do you think it is? A girl.  Literally everyone’s guess is girl, except for my FIL’s.  It also helps to have a friend who is a well-known psychic, who also has never been wrong on anything in my life.  This would be a first for him if it isn’t a girl.

What do you want? The correct answer here is to always say “To have a healthy baby.” Eyeroll, no shit.  Instead my answer is to say a puppy, possibly panda. 

How do you feel?  Good and I am so grateful for that.

Do you have cravings? I’m embarrassed to say it the blueberry Eggo waffles.  You know, the processed kind from a box. Could be worse. 

Have you bought anything yet?  A few outfits and one print for the nursery. If it isn’t a girl then our friend’s baby is getting some kick ass summer clothes!  When I spot diapers on sale, I grab a box or two of those.

Then the tables can turn quickly.  People will ask the following questions that will throw me off and make me double-check that they are literally talking to me.  Once I answer, half the people will then insert their own judgmental answer. Truth be told, it does not bother me when close friends ask me these questions.  It is the people who don’t know me on a personal level that bug me.

I’m quickly learning that being pregnant means people feel there are no boundaries with you.  Take for instance, when they try to touch you.  Why the fuck are you touching me?  I have smacked so many hands away and will continue to do so.  I don’t know where those hands have been.  And I have no shame, I grabbed a friends boob right as she grabbed my stomach.  Fair play. And these are only people I know, what happens when it is complete strangers going for the larger bump? If you know me in real life, you know my filter is broken a lot.

How much weight have you gained?  How much weight have yooooou gained?  

Are you even eating enough?  Yes, My doctor and I have my diet under control and are not concerned with my weight.

What is your birth plan?  To have a baby.

Are you getting an epidural? Are you doing this naturally? Are you going to a hospital?  I’m doing this with Rum and under a doctors supervision.

How often are you peeing? When my bladder tells me to. 

Are you feeling up to having sex much?  Are you offering?

Was this planned?  Does it matter?

Did they check for twins?  Why? Do I look like I’m having twins?

Are you guys excited? I would hope so!

I know it will get worse the more I show.  I’ve heard horror stories from friends.  I guess at this point you just have to chuckle.  What are the most ridiculous things you have been asked when pregnant?






First Babies R Us Venture-Travel System

This weekend we went to Home Depot three times and Lowes once.  That adds up to hours of my life that I will never get back and truck loads of stuff brought back to my house.  Yes, we are those people in pro-parking with things so loaded down and strapped in you really wonder what the hell is happening back at their house.  Then we fold ourselves into the front seat and head home, hoping nothing flies off the truck bed and wondering why we don’t just bring the trailer every time.

Since we weren’t busy enough with that we thought it would be a good time to wander in to Babies R Us for the first time.  Why not?!  I have a few items that I have researched and have assumed they are the ones I want (car seat and stroller) but I wanted to actually go in to the store and touch them with my hands first.  With summer holiday’s coming up, the sales tend to follow.  I don’t want to miss out on the sales because we are too busy with the basement and are then paying full price for the larger, pricey items.

We have a few concerns and desires on our car seat/stroller system.  I honestly think baby items differ from family to family based on where you live, what you are using them for and your budget options.  Due to the high safety ratings I narrowed the brand down to Chicco.  Also, I’m not a big person and wanted a less bulky stroller and lighter car seat which Chicco also offered us some better options for.  Thirdly, we wanted a stroller that could easily be gate checked when we traveled.  My Husband had a few of his own needs when it came to strollers.  We needed one that was more narrow and less cumbersome as my Husband has PTSD issues in crowds and fighting a crowd with a bulky stroller is not fun.  Chicco has a lightweight plus stroller that fits all of the must have items for us.

So there we found ourselves in Babies R Us, early on a Sunday morning.  I parked myself on a shelf while my Husband took apart a bunch of strollers and car seats and then put them back together.  Knowing this is how his brain works, I just let him go.  He declared half of the items complete shit and asked why they weren’t built by NASA or the military.  Sales people didn’t dare come near us or question him and I promise you he left everything as he found it.

In the end, my internet research was worth it and everyone is happy with the decision.  We found our way to the rocking chairs to sit and debate on what was left to purchase on the basement list.  Multi-tasking, that is what we are good at.  At least we can shut our parents up and say yes, we have looked at baby items!  Now to wait for the sales.  No one said having a baby was cheap!

17 Weeks- Contractors

At 17 weeks pregnant I have discovered my tailbone.  Let me explain.  A few weeks ago, my tailbone felt like I had landed on it funny.  I mentioned it to my doc who said that was normal and blamed hormones.  No problem.  Sitting all day, at work, it has progressively gotten worse.  As in, I am reminded daily I have a tailbone, something I didn’t think about often in my pre-pregnancy days.  I’ve been more mindful to get up and walk around more during the day and try to adjust myself a bit more in my chair.  While annoying, it isn’t the end of the world and it is more minor in the evenings as I am on the go more with walks and yoga. Not a huge complaint but the first thing that has really bothered me with this pregnancy.

About a week ago I felt like I finally got a bump and it depends on the time of day with how big I look.  I’ve gained a total of 2lbs and lost my lower abs.  My sister likes to make comments, especially in the evenings, laughing at how weird it is for her to see me with a bit of a belly.  I’ve always had a flat stomach and this cracks her up.  If it was anyone else I would deck them, for her I will let it go:)  Some of my pants seem tighter and I’m a bit self-conscious in tighter shirts right now but I’m not noticeable to people who don’t know I’m actually pregnant.  I can tell you though, naked, I am pregnant, no doubt about it.  But alas I don’t think I can just walk around naked, even though it would be so much easier. Clothes, I have come to realize, are so uncomfortable when pregnant.

I think I can say I have actually felt the baby move this week as well.  My doc asked last week and I felt stupid answering no but she made me feel better saying it wasn’t until she was 22 weeks pregnant (with twins) that she realized what she was feeling.  I will occasionally feel a flip or flutter, more during yoga or when I’m leaning forward, and I’m just going to assume that is baby letting me know it is there.  If not, it is a fart on the move.

At this point I can say we are no closer to being ready for a baby than we were when we first found out.  In fact, some may think, (and have said) we have gone in reverse. The nursery isn’t filling with baby stuff but with loads of my sister’s stuff, as she keeps hauling more stuff in, with anticipation of her big move. We gave in to have contractors come in to do some of the work in the basement as we are just plain under a time constraint and the Husband is working 70-80 hour weeks.  So our house is full of contractors.  And dust.  Lots of dust.  And instead of trips to Babies R Us, we go to Home Depot.  Like, every day.  I should do commercials for them.  It should also be noted that as a pregnant person I am very grateful that Home Depot has very clean, nice bathrooms (Way better than our Babies R Us)  and large carts that I can sit on while my Husband takes forever to make decisions.

To add to the fun we are going through hell to close on our rental house.  That required us throwing a new roof on the damn place, followed by more contractors there to finish a few details.  What I’m saying is my day is filled with contractors, dust, paint samples, floor samples, etc. and not with the ability to think about cribs yet.  I haven’t slowed down and I’m fine with that.  It makes the pregnancy go by faster.

Since the day the Husband and I have met we have always had several projects in the air.  We never do one thing at a time so I guess we are just going to stick with that.  I feel very fortunate I haven’t had to put the brakes on myself yet.  I just drag around more water to drink and some extra granola bars.   Plus, life would feel lame if it was quiet and we just watched the clock tick by for 23 more weeks waiting for baby’s arrival.



To Become a Stay at Home Mom or Not

Some discussions have come up in our house recently that I never thought I would have with my Husband.  A discussion that involves my career versus staying at home once we have a baby in the house.  Staying at home.  A stay at home Mom.  All things I never thought I would contemplate.  I always assumed I would have a baby, take the appropriate maternity leave and go back to my job.  After some recent discussions though, things may change.

When I was fired from my job a little over a year ago, I was lucky to find a place with an old friend.  The thing was, it was right back in insurance, where I have been for a long time and have forever disliked.  But this job was a band-aid and has worked well for where I have been at in my life.  I have been the only employee, I come and go as I please, I take whatever time off I need/want, I spend endless hours on Pinterest when it is slow and in return when there is work to be done I do it and do it well.  All of the flexibility has helped with the endless doctors appointments and the time off needed from the miscarriage.  I didn’t have to worry about PTO or anything else which gave me the time to just focus on my Husband and I.  Taking that bit of stress off my plate was huge.  In return for all that flexibility, I have made a lot less than what I’m worth.  Not because he doesn’t want to pay me more but he just can’t afford to.

While the job has been nice, it is running its course for numerous reasons I don’t want to list out.  My Husband asked a very loaded question one night “Do you really think you want to go back to this job after maternity leave?”  Then he broke down my shit pay, versus gas/day care and followed it up with  “Do you really want to go back to this job, drop our baby off at day care and only come home with X amount of money to show for it?”


Also, reality check.

And you guys, he wasn’t trying to be mean but just made me look at the obvious.  Sure, I could go back to working insurance for the bigger corporations and make the money I’m worth after the baby comes.  I can work the 8-5, pay daycare and gas, and still have money left over with no problem.  It isn’t out of the question.  The problem is, I’m right back at ground zero of hating what I do, insurance, a job I’m burnt out on.  And how hard would it be to go back to corporate 8-5 after all this flexibility I have had?!

Which leads us to me staying at home.  It isn’t that I’m against it, I’ve just never thought it would be for me.  After a lot of discussion I realized I don’t think it would be for me simply out of fear.  I want to be more than just a Mom in life.  I know some people are totally fine having that be their only title and I commend those people but that scares the shit out of me.  I need more.  I look at people who have all their kids off to school, none at home, and they seem confused, standing there with their hands in their pockets, wondering what to do next.  I fear that day.  I’m also worried about being that Mom that hands the kids off to the Husband as soon as he walks in the door screaming “I had this kid all day, it is yours now!” with hatred in my voice.

All these, simple fears.

I voiced those fears to not only my Husband but a friend recently who laughed, saying I would be the last person to do that.  That friend also considered smacking me upside the head out of jealousy.  We talked a lot about how I have raised Rebecca and how my ex and I handled her when she was a little one.  And you know what, we handled it just fine. I didn’t “lose” myself and I was more than just a Mom, still am.  It is all what you make of it.

I could find the time to write more if I stay at home because that is the one thing that eludes me in the office everyday.  I can’t find creativity with people screaming in between moments about their ID cards.  With all the infertility issues, I have held off on becoming a certified yoga teacher.  I could do that.  I can find a part-time gig doing something that still gives me my own time.  Essentially, while I look at is as losing myself, I could actually end up finding myself.  This “what do I want to be when I grow up” thing has haunted me for some time now.

It is the first of many discussions we are going to have about it.  There are many things that go into making this choice.  Most importantly, the Husband and I have to do it in a way that works for us and our family.  For now, the door is open and the topic is on the table, where it goes from here I don’t think we will know until we get there.