33 Weeks- Perinatologist Appt

This morning we had our latest and greatest appointment with our perinatologist.  The last time we saw him was 6 weeks ago and our nugget’s growth was in the 53rd percentile.  Today, for the first time, she refused to cooperate.  To be fair, it was her mid morning calm time.  She placed her hands over her face, smashed her nose against my placenta and didn’t care to move around much.  This created awesome 3D pictures that look like a window licking panda in there.

Either way we sat for quite a while as the tech measured and clicked away before the doctor came in and continued with his clicking.  The final conclusion is, we have a little baby on our hands.  In the past 6 weeks she has gone from the 53rd percentile to the 20th percentile for her size and is currently at 4lbs 6oz.  We believe this is due to my heart medication as he can’t find any other reason why her growth would be dropping so quickly.  While this isn’t a huge cause for concern right now, we will go back for another growth scan in 4 weeks.  If anything is measuring in the 10th percentile, then we will have a new discussion about what will happen from there.  Namely, not causing stress on a baby that is already small and making sure there is nothing else going on.  Till then, we proceed as normal.

I go back in for a regular appointment with my OB on Friday so I’m sure she will fill me in on anything else then.  We are really not worried about anything at this point.  If our nugget is on the smaller side and still healthy then my vagina will thank me.  Just thinking positively here.


32 Weeks – I’m choosing to not breastfeed my baby

This may be one of the harder posts for me to write.  For one main reason-judgement.

We have all heard the line – breast is best.  We know it.  We get it.  There is a lot surrounding a woman and her choice to breastfeed her child.

I’ve said it a million times before in this blog and I will say it yet again, you have to find what works best for you and your family, not what society says is best.  And what is best for us is to formula feed my baby.  I know, the horror. I will also say that this has been given a lot of thought.  It wasn’t a quick decision but it is one that I am 100% comfortable with, one that I feel educated about, one that I have researched and one that I do not feel guilty about.

We have many reasons.  Realistic reasons and I won’t lie, some selfish.  I am honestly not going to list them all out here though.  Being pregnant people ask a lot of questions and share their advice but I can honestly say I was not ready for the amount of people who would ask if I was going to breastfeed and follow it up with some serious judgement when I answered no. They would try to make me feel guilty for not even trying because perhaps they tried with their child and were unable to.  Therefore I had to somehow make up for that?  I have been given the side eye, been told stats and all the pros, and even been told horror stories of not breastfeeding my child.  Basically how I am the worst parent ever, already.  So just mail me that award now.

Other people have nodded their head in complete agreement with my choice and I’m so grateful for that.  They have shared their stories on why breastfeeding was maybe not the best choice for them, how they could not breastfeed for multiple reasons, how they may do it differently the next time around, how they made the same choice as me, how their child is thriving just fine and they could still have a chance to get into Harvard one day despite having had formula their first year.  Basically there have been plenty to not judge and those are the ones that have helped me work through this decision.

It was also part of the reason I was dreading finding a pediatrician, I didn’t want a lecture or judgement.  I wanted someone to understand my feelings and where I was coming from on breastfeeding.  Once the conversation started with this woman, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  She understood, did not make me feel guilty and most importantly, we moved beyond the fact that I was not going to breastfeed and opened up the conversation on formula feeding and you know, everything else about my child that we should be discussing.

What I’m trying to say is everyone is different and makes different choices. Parenting is a slippery slope and the choice to breastfeed or not seems to be an incredibly slippery slope.  The thing is, there are going to be a million choices I have to make for this nugget.  Some will be the right ones and some will be the wrong ones but we learn as we go and we do what is best.  So do what is best for your kid, no matter what your MIL, society or the neighbors dog says.

32 Weeks – Finding a Pediatrician

You don’t realize the ever growing list of “to do” items that suddenly creep up on you when you are pregnant.  Some are easy to tackle and others, well, I would assume ignore.  For some reason finding a pediatrician was one of those I really wanted to ignore on the list.

I wish I could give you a reason why.  Perhaps it is because we have had such a hard time with our vet.   Yes, I’m comparing my soon to be newborn to my dog.  I have stressed about my vet, clashed with him, and in general it has caused tears.  I kept thinking, if I can’t even find a vet I like, how will I find a pediatrician?  Just googling pediatricians in the area is enough to make your head explode.

We live in a very small town and could easily choose to just see a family doctor at our local clinic.  If my Husband or I are sick we just go to that clinic and use their walk in service that they have 7 days a week and we see whatever doctor is on call.  After living here for 15 years you know the doctors and they are good enough to me to diagnose a sinus infection and write a prescription for an antibiotic.  However, we wanted a more specialized pediatrician in the city for our nugget.

I started by asking around for referrals from friends and family and made a list from there.  We knew we had a few requirements-young, from the area, woman, clinic in the city, preferably in the hospital where I will deliver, was ok with me not breastfeeding and ok with chiropractic care.  It was the part where we had to go in and sit down with these docs that I was truly dreading.  I was unsure of what to ask and so forth.

With some nudging from my Husband I made a few calls and set up times to meet with a few doctors.  Yesterday we met with our first one and an hour later walked out with her as our pediatrician.  Cut to the point, we are not meeting with any others.  I am a big “gut feeling” person and both my Husband and I just knew.  There were zero red flags, we had a great conversation, we agreed on a ton of topics, she met all of our requirements, and I wanted to hug her when we walked out.  Could it have just been that easy?  The Husband and I stood in the parking lot trying to come up with a reason to meet with other docs just in case but we couldn’t.  Why not just call it good and cross this “to do” off the list.  So we did just that.


32 Weeks – Baby Shower #1

Back when my Husband and I were married, we didn’t have a bridal shower.  I had been previously married and him and I were having a destination wedding.  I was very uncomfortable having a shower, even though some said I should, because I felt like my family had already been there, done that for me.  We came back home and had a large reception where, and I’m not trying to sound selfish, we did not exactly cash out in the gift area.  Just a truth but I know it was the second wedding curse and my Husband got the shit end of that.  I told him we would make up for it on the baby shower end one day.

Fast forward to those days finally being here.  A day my mother has been dreaming about for a long time.  They were some of the first words uttered by her when she realized a baby was on the way….baby shower.  Truthfully, I kind of dreaded them.  The traditional  games of bore, girly oohs and ahhs, measuring your bump, tea and cake and a bunch of women re-telling their times of being pregnant.  I’m not bashing if that is your thing, it just isn’t mine.  My Husband and I had other ideas.  I had to come to a compromise with my mom and quick.

My mom lives a few hours away and we decided on having two showers.  She could throw the traditional one with our friends and family there as long as it didn’t involve games.  My sister and two friends would be throwing one where we live now that is co-ed and in a party room at a local sports bar where all of our friends and my Husbands family could join us.  A time to just see all of our friends, eat, drink and have a good time.

This past weekend was baby shower number one hosted by my mom, with the help of her good friend, who also happened to be there for our wedding in Mexico.  As the day came closer I got more excited than I thought I would.  Once again, feeling like this pregnancy was getting somewhere.  That there was a light at the end of this weight gaining tunnel and I would get something out of all of this.  What I wasn’t prepared for was how completely overwhelmed I would be.

The turnout was amazing.  The women that showed up were amazing.  The gifts were amazing.

It was like our wedding reception all over again.  Every time you turn around someone is demanding your attention for a conversation.  I felt like I was being pulled in a million directions but in a happy way.  Mom kept up her end of the deal and there were no games.  We ate, had cake and I survived opening the gifts in front of everyone.  (Just not my thing.  It makes me nervous.)

We went back to my mom’s that night and I showed my Husband everything.  It was exciting to see things come to life for us, give us more realization that she is actually coming soon and we get to use all of this soon.  We all settled in the kitchen and my brother and SIL said they had one more gift for us that they didn’t feel was appropriate in front of grandparents.  It was a onsie that said “My Mom doesn’t want your fucking advice.”  Nailed it.  So us.  They then asked me to read the card out loud that came with it “Baby _____’s cousin will be arriving March 14, 2016!”  They are expecting.  To say we are all shocked is an understatement.  It was unplanned but very happy news and I’m pretty sure my Mom’s head exploded right there with happiness.  Our kiddo’s will be 5 months apart and I am beyond thrilled.

Looking back on how the weekend went, I can say I am so happy with how we chose to do things. I am beyond appreciative of what we were given, who helped out, the kindness and thoughtfulness of people in general.  To come together to celebrate something great with family and friends, that you don’t normally see, is a rare moment these days since everyone is so busy.  I sat there with my maid of honor, who I have been friends with since I was 10, and our two girls between us and realized just how fast life goes.  You think about these days happening some time down the road and then when they do, it can be shocking.  Life is a quick journey and you really do have to stop, slow down and breathe it all in.


From the Aisles of Target

Last week school started around our area.  On the first day of school, I found myself in the school supply section at Target, digging for a binder and any other things that looked like I might require them while on sale.  I noticed the high school aged girls a few feet from me, staring.  They were the type that wouldn’t have been friends with me in high school, no I wasn’t that cute or popular.  I assumed they were normal, 17 and staring at the pregnant lady.  I found what I needed and went around to the next aisle, stopping at the end cap, just out of their vision because, clearance.

Then I heard this “Could you imagine starting school being that pregnant! How embarrassing! Did you see that?!  You can’t hide that at school!”

Emphasis on that.  Like I’m the size of a damn elephant.

Then the giggles started, from me.  Did I just hear that? My initial thought was to walk back around and ask if they could narrow down just what type of first day of school I just cleared? Are we talking senior in high school?  Junior in college?  I don’t even care that they acted like I was going to give birth to a litter of cows.  Please just narrow down what grade I’m in so I can tell my friends!  Thanks for thinking I’m not just 33, pregnant, twice married, once divorced, and carrying a mortgage with my name on it.  Thank you for ignoring the wrinkles around my eyes and anything else that shows my age.

Instead I went down the next aisle, held in my giggles but also thanked God that I’m not starting any form of school because you honestly couldn’t pay me enough to go back to high school these days.  I barely survived the first time around!


31 Weeks – Hormones

It seems when you become pregnant you are not allowed to simply have a bad day.  You cannot just wake up on the wrong side of the bed after no sleep, spill coffee on your shirt, forget your lunch on the counter, get cut off by an old person driver, show up at work late, and just have a bad day in general.  No.  Because you have a bump protruding from your middle people look at you, throw up their hands and yell something about a hormonal pregnant lady.  Everyone else seems to be able to chalk their attitude up to an off day but as the pregnant person, they assume hormones and walk a circle around you.  Quite frankly, I’m sick of it.

Prior to being pregnant and just being a normal woman, who had her monthly visit from Aunt Flo, I thankfully never had PMS or any other mood swings associated with the time.  It came, it happened, it left, I got on with life.  I have never been able to blame a bad mood, bad days, binge eating or any other symptom on PMS.  I’m not saying it doesn’t exist though because my sister and mother have those batch of hormones.

What I’m saying is I never yelled at my Husband and then had to later go back and apologize, using the PMS reasoning.  I just had to apologize for taking out my bad day on him.

But now, at 31 weeks pregnant, I will say I know I do have some hormonal days and I own them.  I know they could be worse and mine are mild but I do have days where I feel like I got a new batch of hormones because I can cry at a Pampers commercial or at the fact that I don’t have cupcakes in the house.  I can tell the difference between a bad day and a hormonal one.  One would think pregnancy is a perfect excuse for a bad attitude day or reason to scream at someone and blame hormones but not me.  In the past 31 weeks I’ve just had bad days that have nothing to do with being pregnant and everything to do with life.  Because life still happens while you are pregnant, news flash, I know.

So what is with society (and I’m more specifically looking at you men) wanting to assume everything that happens to a woman, that is not 100% rainbows out of her mouth, is a form of hormones?  I’m sick of the excuse, people thinking it is funny, and using it as the butt of a joke.  Male and female, we all have our bad days where comments are said and actions are done that we later regret because of the mood we were in.  That mood can depend on a million things happening because truth be told, that person that just cut me off in traffic, may be having a much worse day than mine and honestly didn’t mean to cut me off.

Hormones are not the answer to everything when you are pregnant or not pregnant as a woman.  They are just the answer some days.  So before you offer that excuse to someone, remember you could be putting them down and it isn’t funny to point at the pregnant lady or your upset *wife and scream “hormones!”  It could be that you are being an ass and hurt that persons feelings or they woke up on the wrong side of the bed, stepped on a lego and just need a hug.

*Sidenote- My Husband has been stellar about not using the hormone excuse.  Others in my life, not so much.



August 19 – a day of HOPE


For all those out there who have lost a baby. They will never be forgotten and I hope you all find what heals you.

Originally posted on Awaiting Autumn:

Today is August 19 – a day of HOPE – hosted by the Carly Marie Project. The inspiration for today is to break the silence about infant and pregnancy loss while honouring the lives of our children who left us too soon.

Participants are encouraged to make a prayer flag in memory of their child(ren), then share photos of it on social media.

I didn’t get a chance to make a flag to honour Emme, but I did share one of the project’s awareness images on my Instagram with the following statement:

“Some people think that having a rainbow baby in your womb changes everything. It doesn’t. You don’t ever forget. You simply learn to live as the “new you” – a mother to two children, one Angel; one on his way. You know that life can change in an instant, so you become more grateful for your blessings. You feel…

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