10 weeks pregnant- Baby comparisons

From baby #1 to baby #2, it is hard to not make comparisons.  I think this is something every mother does with full term pregnancies, it is the same with pregnancies that don’t go to full term.  Having gone a total of 12 weeks being pregnant last time, I’m doing a lot of comparisons with this baby.  Some of the comparisons are out of fear and some are just out of curiosity.

Nausea/Morning sickness:  I didn’t have a whole lot of morning sickness with the first baby.  I would have bouts of nausea but nothing that would disrupt my day or really bother me.  I used sea bands most of the time and that seemed to curb most of the symptoms.  With baby #2, I have had even less nausea, no use for the sea bands and I am very grateful for that.

Cravings/Food:  With the first baby I could eat french toast morning, noon and night, peanut butter cookies (I’m not even a cookie person) and really missed my wine.  This time around I want a glass of OJ every night, apples, more peanut butter than normal and I don’t even miss wine. In general though, I don’t “eat for two” I just need an extra snack here and there but I also eat way less at meal time.  Sometimes what sounds really good, three bites in will become the worst food idea known to man and I’m done.  Both babies have offered me this fun.

Body: With baby one I gained 1 lb total by the 12 week mark but I can’t say I ever had a bump.  I haven’t gained anything thus far with this baby but a few of my abs have disappeared.  Weight has always been an issue with me because I just don’t gain.  I’ve been around 100lbs since I was in high school and I have worked really hard to put on some muscle to = weight, since the last pregnancy, per my doctor.  Thanks to a hell of a lot more squats and Piyo, I managed a few extra pounds.  There is currently no bump and my clothes all fit fine but I would prefer to wear my yoga pants than jeans.  Also, the boobs are coming back.  I have been waiting for my boobs to grow since I was 14 and they finally are!

Cramping/Bleeding: I had zero cramping or bleeding with the first baby.  With this baby we have had some serious cramping scares, thanks to a cyst and one long night of bleeding.  Thankfully, by the time I hit week 8 the cramping and cyst issue have gone away and there has been no more bleeding.

Ultrasound:  With the first baby we had two great ultrasounds, both vaginal, and were never able to hear the heartbeat.  We did see the heartbeat both times though and at 7 weeks it was 136.  With baby two we have now had three ultrasounds, one vaginal and two regular, and were grateful to actually hear the heartbeat once.  The 7 week ultrasound showed a heartbeat of 106 and the 9 weeks ultrasound showed 185.  First baby was a girl according to chromosomal testing and my OB wanted to throw in her first gender guess with baby #2, saying boy.  Both hubby and I say girl.

Emotions:  The first time around I had a lot more nerves than what I think I realized.  I was very nervous to continue working out and was more careful on how I moved around.  This time around I’m trusting myself and my body more to do what needs to be done.  I have continued my workouts as normal, aside from days when the doctor actually told me to keep my ass on the couch.  I’m not an incredibly hormonal woman in general and even when pregnant I don’t get over emotional or hormonal.

Sleep:  In general my Husband and I are not people who actually sleep a lot.  I get up a lot at night and some nights I may get up at 1am and just do laundry.  The people who tell me “Oh, you just wait till you have a baby and lose sleep” I say “Yay, something to do with my insomnia!”  With baby #1 that tiredness hit me like a ton of rocks and I couldn’t wait for it to hit this time around.  This sleeping all night thing is amazing.  And naps?! Well, now I get what all the fuss is about, so lovely.

 

9 Week Ultrasound

Last Friday I had my nine week ultrasound.  I was a fucking wreck that morning and then on the way to the hospital.  For some reason, once I met up with my Husband in the parking lot, I calmed down.  By the time we found our seats in the waiting room, we both had our shit together and the nerves subsided.  It also helps to watch the other couples in the waiting room.  There should be a book just on that.  We sit there and try and figure out what their stories are, how they met, how she even thought to have sex with the guy next to her, what their kid will look like, and so on.  Entertainment.

A few moments later we found ourselves face to face with that ultrasound machine and my doctor trying to make small talk with us to keep us calm till baby popped up on the screen.  Mid sentence she said “Well, baby looks beautiful and healthy.”

You could hear us both exhale.

She turned the screen to point everything out to us.  It amazes me how much a baby can grow in a few weeks. It went from a dot to something with a few alien limbs.  There was even a hand up in the air giving us a wave and the heartbeat was steady and strong at 185.

The next ultrasound is on the day that I hit 12 weeks and will also serve as our testing for down syndrome.  Two more weeks till we are in the clear.  After we went over this with my doctor she must have read my face.  The next two weeks are the vital weeks for us.  This is where we know if we will be moving beyond the first trimester or not.  My doctors response, if I have major anxiety and need to see my baby, then call and come in to see her.  She will do an ultrasound, no problem.  Just knowing that helps more than I can say.  I may not have total control over what happens but all control and peace of mind I can have is given to me.

So for the next two weeks we are going day by day and just holding on to faith.  I can’t change anything that happens.  I can tell you, if you want time to drag on, get pregnant:)

9 Weeks Pregnant

Last night my Husband and I laid in bed, talking about the fireplace being delivered this week and how we need to bump out the basement bar.  In the middle of the conversation he blurted out how he is getting really nervous for Friday’s ultrasound.  This is how our life is, we are going about living it and all the while there are these demons and fears just looming in the corner.

I have a whole post I have written out on the difference between this pregnancy and my first but the truth is it comes down to one thing-on a daily basis I just don’t even feel pregnant where as last time I did.  So that has me worried.  Some would say I would be having symptoms of miscarriage if there was something wrong but I never did last time.  A friend also suggested to me that since I have been battling severe allergies the past week then that has been masking pregnancy side effects.

There can be a million reasons why I have that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach and I know my imagination has gotten away from me on several occasions already.  Friday’s ultrasound is going to be scary.  And what is worse….The 12 week ultrasound we already have scheduled.  That was the doomed ultrasound for us last time.  That is the one that has us not talking baby talk.  For most women they get more comfortable as the weeks pass along in their pregnancy.  They get up the desire to share the news with more and more people.  As our weeks go on we go in the opposite direction.  Hide the secret more, as our nerves grow.

I hate admitting that.  I honestly do.  We say “if” for this baby, not “when.”  I don’t think of a future for this baby yet because I can’t think beyond the first trimester.  I want to be positive but I just can’t find it in me yet.  I know that if we make it to that second trimester we will be so happy and well, let the party start, let the planning begin, let everyone know.  But till then…we wait….and in the middle of the night I find myself, once again, talking to this baby in my head, asking it to just hang in there with me.

8 Weeks Pregnant

With that, we are now in our eighth week of pregnancy.  I’m arriving in this week thankful that we even made it through the 7th week after a lot of cramping and a bleeding scare.   I am back to yoga after 11 days of zero working out which makes me one cranky person.  I don’t do the job of “sitting on the couch” very well.  Aside from being tired and wanting a few extra snacks, I’ve been feeling pretty normal.  Every now and then I have a moment when I think puking up the last thing I ate would be great.  That happens more often when I take a whiff of something funky or suddenly hate whatever I am eating with a passion.

While most women would be ready to hit up a baby store or stalking baby Pinterest boards, I am not.  Instead the Hubby and I spent the weekend looking at fireplace inserts.  Yes, you read that right, fireplace inserts.  Who knew there were so many choices?!  My 21-year-old self is standing, hands on hips, (okay, one hand on a hip the other holding a Corona), rolling her eyes at the boredom of it all.  My 32-year-old self realized the smell of gas in these stores, from the fireplaces, made her baby no happy and therefore made herself want to puke.  Ah, the grown-up life.

Where were we, yes fireplace inserts.  Long story short, my sister is moving in with us in about 10ish weeks.  My sister currently lives 4 hours away from us, 3 hours away our parents and that is the closest she is to family.  Where she currently is at is where her ex-husband wanted to live and she just hasn’t felt the need to move, until now.  She is burnt out at her teaching job, most of her friends are moving away, she can’t stand her roommate any longer, her car keeps breaking down on the side of the road and my Husband is to far away to fix it.  Time for her to move closer to family.

If you had told me 10 years ago, 5 years ago or hell, even 4 years ago that my sister was going to move in with me, I would have laughed you right out of my house.  We never grew up with that sister bond.  In fact, in the past few years, we just started really noticing the other one existed and started working on building a friendship.  It was actually my idea to have her move into the basement and the Husband was completely cool with that.  I was even sober when I made that offer.  The plan is for her to stay with us for a year, find a teaching job here and then after that we will make a decision on how to move forward.  She won’t be paying rent as we figured we would let her hold our baby every now and then while we go on vacations and out to eat.  So yea, built-in nanny is where we are going with this.  No shame in our game and she is fine with it.

With 13ish weeks till the move we had concrete floors, walls and an organized area of totes for all holidays in the basement.  Now with 10ish weeks left till the move we have most of the basement framed in which will soon consist of an over sized storage room, bedroom, full bathroom, utility room, bar, entertainment room, an office nook and a bedroom that will serve as a gym.  By moving the office to the basement this does free up a room upstairs for a nursery.  (See, something baby related.)  Yea, nothing like just a few things to do on the list and I say “we” as in my Husband because my ass sits in a chair and makes a baby while I watch him put studs up.  We make one hell of a team.  And no, we are not hiring a contractor.  The Hubby will be doing it all during nights and weekends with the exception of a guy to come in to blow in the insulation.

It feels like building our house all over again.  There are things to pick out and choices to be made.  The fireplace insert was the first major decision and I learned I could not build a house and be pregnant.  My brain quickly gets frazzled, I think about a nap and walk away while telling the Hubs to just pick something.  So this is going well so far.

And no, we still don’t have a fireplace insert picked out.  I think I need a nap first.

Baby #2. Telling Family and Friends

Over the weekend my Mom and Dad came out for a quick visit.  Unfortunately my Husband was with his parents at a separate event so we took on the task of informing Grandparents on our own.  I was able to hand my ultrasound pictures to my Mom and introduce her to baby #2.  She started in with the tears while I explained we are not jumping for joy until we hit that 12 week mark.  She was, surprisingly, much more supportive than I thought she would be.  I think with Dad’s Alzheimer’s he thought I was 16 and Pregnant and belonged on MTV but I just ignored that death stare and moved on.  With that I made calls to my sister and brother.  Yes, complete opposite and much more downplayed from the first time around but everyone was equally excited and supportive, which is the most important factor.

The Hubby met up with his parent’s the same day and informed them that the doctor suggested that I should quick drinking.  Neither immediately caught on as to why but were equally sad for the loss of wine in my life.  The Hubby eventually connected the dots for them and with that came their own tears of joy. They were also happy that I could return to my wine habit in roughly 8 months.

I was truly grateful that we didn’t tell a lot of people the first time around.  We were right in making that decision.  We are sticking with the same theory for this baby as well and have pretty much told the same few people.  While some have had a few stinging remarks (“Why don’t you actually take it easy this time around.”) everyone else has been very supportive and understanding of our hesitance.  Honestly, the remarks don’t bite as much as I thought they would.  I know I did nothing to cause the loss of my first baby.  It just happened.  I will continue to do what I feel is best for me and this baby, no matter others opinions.  I’m going to pull an Elsa and just let that shit go.

With that, we head into week 8 of this pregnancy.

 

 

7 Weeks

Yesterday we hit 7 weeks.  We had our first appointment with my regular doctor and found ourselves back in the waiting room with a bundle of nerves.  I watched so many women being called back, minus their Husbands, and thought no way, no way in hell will I ever come without my Husband.  What would I have done if he wasn’t at the doomed ultrasound?  And with that thought we watched a frantic husband come in, asking for his wife, and they quickly ushered him to a back room.  That was enough to start the tears for me.

Once the Husband and I were left to our own in an exam room we realized there must be some sort of big red flag on our file.  We are treated differently by the nurses and certain things aren’t discussed.  They make sure to watch their words and seem to follow our lead on emotions and such.  I cannot even express how much this means.

Once our Doc arrived it was hugs all around and we skipped the bullshit.  That is why I love her.  She also skipped a lot of the first appointment chat knowing I just went over all that information not to long ago.  Instead she put everything in a bag and said when I was ready I could look it over if I felt I needed to.  The decision has also been made that I will have appointments every two weeks with her.  Her exact words were that I have earned that right to peace of mind after the shit I have gone through. I get that if something bad is going to happen, it will happen. More appointments lowers the anxiety level and stress for me and baby though so I’m not sitting there wondering.

We discussed my panic attack last Sunday.  I woke up having a really sharp pain on the left side of my uterus and major cramping.  I tried to relax and play it off as nothing but gave in and called the emergency nurse number.  Thankfully she talked me through it and got me calmed down.  I remained on the couch the rest of the day, trying to find a comfortable position and praying to God I didn’t start bleeding.  We came to the conclusion that I have a large cyst, that will go away, but is causing the cramping.

By the time we got around to the ultrasound the Husband and I went to our quiet place.  The place where we feel like we are waiting for bad news.  Doc just did a regular ultrasound instead of vaginal to see if we could possibly hear a heartbeat since we never did with the last baby.  A few seconds later that amazing sound filled the room and there was baby flickering on the screen.  Without us saying a word my Doctor went on to explain to us that it is normal to feel very different this time.  To not have the same excitement.  To be scared.  To hold off till that 12 week mark.  And she said even then our fear may very well stay with us till we first feel the baby move and beyond that.  She explained how this is now a completely different experience than what we would have had with the first baby and that is okay.  She said she got to hear the first heartbeat with us and she will do everything possible to hear that first cry with us.

That right there, that is why I love this woman.  She validated what felt crazy.  She validated what has happened to us.  She validated our feelings right now.  There was no sugar-coating and there was no ignoring the elephant in the room.

With that we went home and added another ultrasound picture to the fridge.

 

Here we go again

I mentioned we were going to go back to the fertility doctor as soon as my next period showed up.  So I waited, and waited and didn’t become overly concerned when said period wasn’t on time.  My cycle has been getting longer each month but just for the hell of it, last Friday, I took a pregnancy test.  And then another.  Because both were positive and I literally stood there in my bathroom wondering how the hell that happened.

Well, I know HOW it happened but we aren’t really suppose to be able to just do this on our own.  Here we were just banging around on our own with zero thought to dates, timing or a baby and BAM, insta baby with no signs or symptoms aside from a missing visit from Aunt Flo.

I immediately called the nurse, who ran to my doctor and I’m not sure who was more shocked but they told me to come in right away.  I was told by other women who had miscarriages that I would be shocked at how I would be treated during the next pregnancy.  Kid gloves.  Helicopter doctoring.  No waiting.  You name it, they were right. There was no waiting for return phone calls, results, a certain date weeks out for ultrasounds or appointments and no being pawned off to other doctors.  No, you go to the front of the line and get your hand held.

Here is where I wasn’t thinking that day.  I went straight to the hospital, to the second floor, and into suite 2300 like I had done a million times.  It hit me like a ton of bricks when I was getting signed in, last time I was here was for the doomed ultrasound.  I started crying right there at the desk.  The poor woman checking me in thought I was nuts and I didn’t really give a shit.

Within an hour I had my blood drawn and results back.  I was certainly pregnant and it turned out so well that there was no need for me to come back for another draw. The exact words were that the baby was showing off.  Throughout the course of that day I spoke with the nurse five times.  I had an ultrasound scheduled for Monday and an appointment and second ultrasound scheduled the following week with my doctor.  I was given a pep talk, the emergency phone number, asked repeatedly how I was feeling and told what to do in the case of any cramping or bleeding over the weekend.

By the time my husband came home that night I don’t think much had fully sunk in.  When he sat down I told him I had an interesting day and said I was pregnant.  He turned around and said “Who the hell is pregnant now?!” Not someone else dear Husband, me, your wife.  This took some time to sink in followed by just how the hell did that happen? My question exactly.

Still not feeling pregnant and still in shock we went Monday for the ultrasound that showed I was right at 6 weeks with a due date of October 20th.  We could see baby had a strong heartbeat, was measuring correctly and everything looked great.  The tech was so enthusiastic and congratulatory while I laid there in stone silence, holding my Husband’s hand, not saying a word.  We had already been here before, with a healthy baby, and it didn’t end well for us.  Finally I just had to tell her about our prior experience so she would back off a bit.  I was overwhelmed.  Thank God she understood, finished her job, politely handed us our pictures and sent us on our way.

My Husband and I have done a lot of talking over the past few days.  Neither of us can bring ourselves to get excited.  This is absolutely nothing like last time.  We knew we were going to be robbed of these wonderful moments and here it is.  We are telling approximately the same people we told last time, which are not many, and leaving it at that until a complete 12 week confirmation.  We want to have hope and positivity for this baby but it is hard.  A miscarriage, especially how late ours was, changes you in ways that you can’t explain to someone.  Of course this is what we want, don’t get me wrong and we were on the track to start again anyways but we know what the worst case scenario is.

So here we go again.  Round 2.  We will take all the positive, creative, vibes that you can send.