Dear Child of Mine

Dear Child of Mine-

While you are still only 10, I’m realizing the more you grow up the faster the growing portion goes.  I fear for the age of 16 and I’m left daily with a whole new set of fears that my friends can’t even fathom with their wee babies yet.  You and I are put in a group apart from so many so I always feel the need to make sure I don’t forget anything with you. 

There is always that fear in the back of my head that something may happen to me and then you will be left drinking Boone’s Farm wine at the age of 25, with no degree and dating a guy named Stryker.  I know your Dad could handle most things but lets face it, you would just end up dating a baseball player that drives a too fast Mustang. 

Just in case, here are some things I want you to keep in mind:

  • High school is a very short time in your life and most people don’t miss it.  Get to know the nerds, the popular girls and everyone in between but they all change when reality hits and that time does not define who you are.
  • Go to college, get a degree.  I know you can survive in this life without a degree but it sure does make it easier to have one.  Plus, college is amazing.  People are more accepting and the world officially starts opening up to you.  Don’t choose a major your freshman year but live in the dorms.  Never share a room with your best friend, it will hurt your friendship no matter what you think.
  • Not everyone is doing it.  And by doing it, I mean sex.  You’ll know when it is right and I’m not saying it has to be one your wedding night.  Just use your brain, use protection and don’t use it to get your way.  Your Dad and I have a great story for our first time.  Ask us about it. Just remember that was college, not high school. 
  • Don’t chase a man.  They should chase you a bit.  Never stay with a man who you don’t feel protected by, safe with or loved.  Don’t ever make excuses for a man either. Just because he is in a band or owns a motorcycle does not make him worthy of a make out session.
  • Stay out all night with a man.  Watch both the sunset with him and sunrise but if you are ignoring your curfew I will find you.
  • Before you marry make sure you have a conversation about kids, career paths and finances.
  • It is okay to fall in love and have your heart-broken because this is how you learn what you want in a relationship.  Always look at the good and bad.  It is not okay to bust his car windows in if he breaks up with you but it is okay to ask Daddy to make it all better.  He knows people.
  • If you want a tattoo, think about it for at least a year.  If you still like it at that point then it might be safe to get it. Give thought to how cool it will be in 10 years and stretched when you may be pregnant.
  • If your hobby is photography, then buy a good camera.  If it is running, buy a good pair of shoes.  If it is singing, then buy the guitar.  Spend the money on the stuff that touches your soul.
  • Don’t start on the credit cards and learn to manage money early. 
  • Learn how to shoot a gun.  For self-defense, for hunting with your Uncle and for self-confidence. We are county, you own a gun. 
  • Find a job you love and a job that doesn’t feel like a job.  It is tough and it takes guts to do but don’t be afraid to chase it.  It may not happen right away but it will. Stripping is not a job and accounting is boring. 
  • It is okay if you don’t get things right the first time, but learn from your mistakes and move on. Do not act like you are the only one on a tough path.
  • Learn what good wine, cheese and shoes are. Do not mix beer and liquor and learn your limit.  Puking in the bushes is uncalled for.
  • There is no reason to ever try drugs.  Period. You remember everything in your path to this point.
  • Know how to change the oil in your car, fix a flat tire, and purchase a car.  I know you think you have your Daddy for all of this but you should know it no matter what.
  • Remember everything you do has consequences and most likely, other people’s feeling involved. 
  • Tip well, you could be that waitress someday.
  • No one wants to see your privates or your boobs.  Cover them up. 
  • Speaking of, learn to dress yourself appropriately for the occasion.  Classy never goes out of style.  When in doubt, it is better to be overdressed than underdressed.
  • Do not be the queen of gossip.  Try to stay out of the drama and remember that could be you as the topic one day.  Karma is a bitch.
  • Wear sunscreen and don’t go in the tanning beds.  You are already Mexican baby you don’t need any more of a tan.
  • A man should never honk his horn at you.  You make his ass get up and come to the door.  Occasionally he should be carrying flowers. 
  • Use “yes, ma’am and yes sir” to your elders for they have walked a greater path than you could even imagine.
  • Travel as much as you can and learn the culture. There is a far greater life than this cornfield we live in.  Always pack a swim suit.

Baby, this life is full of a million things that are hard. The older you get the more I realize how I can’t protect you from it all and I have to pray I’m giving you the best path to go on.  I wish I had all of the answers to give you in life but I don’t.  I wish I could walk every day with you and hold your hand but that isn’t how it works.  Life is just flying by a bit to fast for me, keep your head straight and your chin up baby, no need to let that tiara fall.

I love you always.

Public Baby-Making

The Husband and I knew we wanted to get pregnant after we were married.  A conversation for the two of us that didn’t really need to involve anyone else.  Boy was I wrong.

I had no idea how quickly friends and family would take it upon themselves to offer opinions and advice on our sex life.  I was literally standing in my wedding dress at our wedding reception when my Aunt grabbed my hand and loudly asked, “So babies, what are you going to be doing about that? Soon?” How does one even answer that?  Sure there is the polite way to tell them it is none of their business but that can be easier said than done.

It took only a few weeks for friends to jump every time I turned down a glass of wine or mentioned I felt tired.  They would nod and say how obviously I was pregnant.  As I had to answer everyone with a “no” the words that followed were perhaps the most annoying. 

Are you having enough sex?

What is your period like?

Don’t worry about it so much!

Are you ovulating?

Put a hammer under your bed.

Stand on your head afterwards.

Quit drinking.

Are you taking the right vitamins?

It only took us one drunk night without a condom! Is something wrong with you?!

And it continues from there.  For the fact that we have shared nothing, people sure have found my business to become theirs quickly.  Rebecca was adopted so this is a whole new world for me.  Suddenly everyone else is getting pregnant BUT us and the more people question the more thought you give things.  We simply haven’t been using birth control for a while and whatever happens from there will happen but people can add stress big time. 

To tell you the truth I didn’t realize the emotional roller coaster this does put you on.  You don’t want to think about it, but you do.  You don’t want to wonder but you do.  You don’t want to stop making plans but you do.  Hell, I don’t know if we should book plane tickets now because who knows what life will hold for us in 9 months. 

I spent years being careful about birth control and doing everything (well, not everything, I was still having sex) to NOT get pregnant so when you suddenly are going against what you have known to do it is a strange feeling. 

This is all stuff I was just not prepared for.  I figured it would easily happen and we would rejoice over two pink lines on a stick but instead we nod month after month and say maybe next month.  Until then we will just enjoy our kick ass sex life and try to ignore everyone else.

Finding the time for communication

My first marriage lasted a little over four years, although we were together for almsot 10 years.  I am grateful for every minute of time with my ex-husband and don’t regret that marriage.  For if it wasn’t for him my current marriage wouldn’t be what it is. 

While it was hard work to look at my first marriage in depth I did just that after my divorce.  I saw what I did wrong, how I failed him as a wife, what I did want or didn’t want in a future husband. I took all that to dating and then to my current marriage.  Just a few months in to this marriage and we don’t take our marriage for granted at all. 

The biggest thing I learned from my divorce was communication or lack thereof.  That is the one thing I strive for in my marriage above all else.  If you lose communication then everything else is bound to go.  It can be hard some days to sit down and have the “how was your day” conversation but the time is there if we find it.  It is easy for us to come home from work and the gym, make supper and sit in front of the TV.  A few weeks ago we realized that had to quit and I wanted less TV and more us. 

Husband now sits at the bar of the kitchen and talks to me when I make supper.  We then actually sit at the table while we eat with no TV on.  We never run out of things to talk about and we have come to realize it is actually a good stress reliever.  It is so easy to zone out at night on the computer or TV but we are getting use to having less of both and more real time. 

Something so simple can go a long ways but each day passes and we lose time if we don’t pay attention. I can’t wait for the next whole day off or vacation together to reconnect, we need to try and do it every day. 

What do you do to communicate in your relationship?

The Road to Building a House

After the Husband and I started dating we started seriously thinking about where to live together.  Sure, he had moved into my apartment but I was doing everything to get out.  We were ready for a home of our own but we weren’t sure where or how that was going to happen.

We live in a little town north of a large city that we both commute to for work.  Our little town only has so many options on homes for sale and even fewer options of homes for sale that are even worth looking at.  We spent months looking at homes and open houses and walking away feeling a bit defeated.  The options were slim.  We could buy a home and dump a lot of money into it or just cut to the chase and build for the same amount.

With that decision made we had to find a builder.  One would think this is a simple process but it isn’t.  Husband works in the construction field and knows his shit.  At one point we even considered just doing it all ourselves but time and our marriage was on the line.  If building is an option for you then I can not stress how important it is to do your research and educate yourself.  I’m not talking the best bang for your buck because this is not where you go cheap.  While some people were looking at model homes cosmetically we were in the basement looking at what was properly done to code and what wasn’t.  We walked away from many meetings with builders with me telling them to fuck off.  Literally.  Do I look like I just fell out of the city and I’m clueless?

It was frustrating to say the least.  Months worth of frustrating to be exact.

The funny thing is, Husband works with builders all day long but we were afraid to piss in our own pool.  Finally, a bit defeated, one of them just asked to sit down with us and it proved to be the best decision ever.  It took us over a year to get to this place but we are building. 

We have land just a 1/2 mile outside of town, where it feels like we are in the middle of no where.  We have an acre of land on a road that turns to mud with too much rain and I’m fine with that.  We can run 4 wheelers and dirt bikes and Rebecca can have the tree house she wants.  Summer’s will be spent with bonfires in the back yard and stars that go on forever. 

I’ve heard of horror stories when couples choose to  build and so far so good on our end. While we are doing some of the work ourselves, dirt work, concrete, and excavating, it has turned out okay.  Now once we get to picking out tile then we can revisit this topic.  The best part is, we are building our home from scratch.

To Be The Lucky One

You know when someone, usually the man in a relationship, makes the  comment that he is the lucky one to have found his wife?  Where he says it sweetly and takes a pull from his beer, while he nods in the wifes direction.  Everyone nods and the other guys laugh. 

In our relationship I know my husband says that but it is me that truly feels that way.  I sometimes look at him and wonder how the hell  I got so lucky.  After every bump in the road how did God place a man in my life that held everything I didn’t know I needed. 

Every day my husbands puts up with my OCD tendencies, my irish temper and every other crazy habit, yet he still sits there and reminds me he loves me.  He still gives me butterflies in my stomach every day and I miss him while he is away.  I still dream about him at night and flirt with him on dates.  We still make out when I’m trying to make dinner and linger over kissing goodbye.  He makes me laugh when I’m down and we sit together at dinner every night and discuss our days.

All of these things, I know are amazing. Every day I make it a point to thank God for placing the Husband in my life.  I don’t ever want to take it for granted that he comes home to me every night because I know what it is like to not have that.  I don’t want to be one of those couples that says some of it just faded over time.  I want those basics to always be there.  Some say impossible, I say it is worth it. 

 

Finding Friends as Grown Ups is Hard

After my divorce I had to do a bit of house cleaning with my friends.  I think it is natural.  The Ex gets custody of some of the friends, you learn who was really a friend and who was not and you realize who is really worth it to have in your life and who isn’t. 

In the midst of this I realized I had more single friends. Once the Husband came along I realized having only single friends wasn’t going to work out for weekend fun but we had to find some other couples and pronto.

Little did I know how tough this would be.  The problem is I may like the wife but he doesn’t like the husband or the other way around.  That leads to forced conversation about the weather while the other two are laughing at a “had to be there” moment and everyone goes home early. 

The other problem is the “we have kids” couple.  Due to my one 10-year-old they feel like I have no idea what it is like to have a baby and/or multiple kids.  These couples can be fun once you get them a babysitter and a beer but it is work to get them to that point.  It takes weeks of planning, prayer for sickness to not hit their house and then you are under a time constraint the second you leave the house. 

There are also the couples that you enjoy talking to at a BBQ but they aren’t the type to take to the comedy club or a wine bar.  Perhaps they don’t share your same drinking habits or care for your pirate mouth.  The silence turns awkward when the husband complains about having to work a 45 hour week and my husband just worked a 70 hour week.  Suddenly everyone feels uncomfortable and you mumble “we should do this again” and don’t really mean it. 

The worst couple is the couple that you enjoy but they don’t have a good marriage.  One second all is well and the next they are asking you to choose sides and throwing the word divorce around.  I feel these people make you jumpy about your own marriage.  Not healthy.

And just when you worry another couple might not work well with you, they turn into the best couple EVER.  Those are the ones that you book flights with, the ones that pour wine no matter what kid is sick, the ones that share some of the same goals and values as you did.  Those are hard to come by but they are worth it. 

Don’t get me wrong, we still love our single friends, but sometimes an even playing field is nice.

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes your family with sex advice?

Husband and I met 2 1/2 years ago and were married this past October.  For some, you could say that was a lot in 2 years but for us it was all a natural step.  After the wedding I did not have any of the post wedding blues that some brides go through.  I was happy it was over with actually.  We had our dream wedding and it all went very well.  We were ready to move on to the next stage of our lives.

Things were packed away.  Thank you cards sent out and we settled into a new normal.  The best part was family finally left us alone.  There I said it.  I was tired of the assumed open door policy that let family peg us with questions about the big day.  We were ready to have our privacy back.  Although we learned, with the Holiday’s right around the corner, we didn’t have much time to catch our breath.

We dove straight into more time with family…yay! or something like that.  It seems those dinners came with new questions into our relationship….

When are you having a baby? Are you doing it right?

We decided to start trying  to get pregnant once we got married as in, that week.  We figured we weren’t getting any younger and my husband has baby fever like you wouldn’t believe.  Ok, I do too but he is worse. We decided to throw birth control out the window and let nature do its thing as we did our thing.  We also didn’t feel the need to announce this to our families but they seemed to have other plans.

When our families started butting in it seemed a bit inappropriate.   Now every time I forgo a glass of wine they question why.  If I say I feel tired they give me a look and every time I turn around they are down right asking if I’m knocked up making me feel a bit like a failure.  They have even brought it upon themselves to give helpful hints and ideas as if the concept of sex is new to us and they were the first person to make a baby correctly.

To be quite honest it is a bit stressful when we were just letting what happens happen without giving it much thought.  To the people who inform me it only took them one drunk night, I tell them I don’t need their advice.  And to our nosy families I say, perhaps if they were having enough sex in their own marriage then they wouldn’t have to be so concerned about when we do it.