The tough stuff within the good stuff

There are some facts in my life.  I have been married, divorced, cried on some floors and picked myself back up again to marry a great man.  When you write about all the bad stuff for so long it almost seems hard to write about the good stuff and then the bad stuff within the good stuff.  Does that make sense? Maybe the better words are, the tough stuff within the good stuff because I’m learning there can be times that a second marriage is harder than the first and I struggle to sit down and write about it.  I feel like I don’t deserve that.  Perhaps I just need to sit down, shut up and appreciate my chance at marriage again?  I’m tired of doing that though.

Second marriages feel the side effects of the first marriage.  Something small looks bigger if it was an issue in the first marriage.  I start seeing something that isn’t even there.  I start blowing things up that don’t need to be blown up all courtesy of my first husband.  Is that really fair to do to my husband now? As the Hub’s say’s, he doesn’t want to pay for the mistakes that my first husband made. I couldn’t agree more but what happens when those things aren’t made up?

The Husband has been working insane hours with no end in sight. Day by day goes by and it eats at me.  I feel like the maid and this unsettling feeling comes over me.  I have been in this place before. The balance isn’t there and I can’t keep my head above water.  Part of it is my past peeking out from around the corner and part of it, I know, is real.  I did the worst thing possible and kept quiet, what I used to do.  I held quiet till I snapped, till the tears came and there was screaming over something small, I’m sure.  Maybe it was a sock. I’m exhausted, this isn’t the 50’s, I can’t keep carrying your slack and your job has to give a little.  Then came the words I was afraid to say, I was thankful this month we weren’t pregnant because how can I do ALL of this with a baby because I’ve already done it and I can’t do it again.

There, I said it.  He yelled back that he wasn’t paying for the exes mistakes and we retreated for the night to separate bedrooms.

The next day resulted in white flags flown and we calmly talked.  Simple.  I’m right, his hours are insane and he needs to help more.  I need to use my words instead of shutting down and nagging.  Honestly, had I not been down this road before then I wouldn’t get so worked up about it.  I need the balance but sometimes it isn’t going to be there.  I have to learn that I can’t turn on the panic button but instead find the solution with the Husband.  That is why we are a team.  Sure there are side effects of a first marriage but I have to see past what is smoke and what is real.

 

 

 

The First Year of My Second Marriage

I can officially say the Hubby and I can put our first year of marriage in the books. (October 24th, I’m behind on posting)  We dove into life as husband and wife without a hiccup and forged forward on our journey together. I just don’t have the words to go on about perfection and love.  It just really isn’t me or us for that matter but what I can tell you is what I have learned and what has worked for us in getting our marriage off on the right start.

  • There isn’t as much desire to “keep up with the Smith’s or Jones’s” or whomever.  Not that I am really one of those people but sometimes it is hard to not compare your marriage to those in your circle of friends.  Perhaps it is because during my first marriage everyone was getting married at the same time and you feel like you should all be on the same page when really, you are not.  This time around it is just him and I.  I’m not up to compare to anyone else.
  • This past year we have worked to keep a foundation to our relationship by building on what we started with.  We didn’t take our wedding day for granted and set the cruise control because you know what, marriage is hard, no matter how long you have been married.  You are choosing to sleep next to the same person who farts in your bed for the rest of your life.  That is commitment.  We surprise one another with the little things, we go on dates, we don’t take one another for granted and we show one another respect.  It is so easy to just become roommates and go through the motions of each week but that is where problems surface.  I don’t want to be his roommate, I want to be his wife.
  • We have established boundaries in our marriage.  Some things are best to be kept behind closed doors.  Weird thing to say coming from a blogger, I know.  I may over share here but in real life, that is not always the case.  There are always outside influences from your family to your friends to co-workers.  Our marriage is ours to protect in the best way that we feel necessary.
  • Sex can be just as good as it was on our honeymoon.  If not, better.  I have said it before and I will say it again, sex is important in our marriage.  It gives us a time to re-connect and put everything else aside.  We may not always have the time for it but we find the time anyways.  Sure, it might be the quick way we know works best or it can be something new we never tried with the crazy ex.  Just because we are an old married couple doesn’t mean we need to retreat to our own twin beds in flannel pajamas.
  • We still dream.  When you are dating it is easy to talk about the future and what dreams you want to accomplish because everything is still so fresh.  We used to talk about building a home one day and getting married but what happens when those dreams start becoming a reality?  Where do you take your dreams?  My favorite nights with my Husband are when we sit outside, him with a cigar and me with a glass of wine and we dream out loud.  We talk about trips we want to take, kids we might have, career paths we want to try, and what we would do if we won the lottery.   The most important thing is, this keeps us talking.  I never want to be that couple at the restaurant sitting in silence with nothing left to say. We have a huge life in front of us to live.
  • We keep individual lives.  I know couples differ on this topic but I do not want to do everything waking thing with my husband.  I love to experience life with him but I think it is healthy to have our own interests.  I’m deeply in love with yoga and he joins me every now and then but for the most part, it is my time.  Plus, it gives us a chance to grow as individuals and make new friends.  I do not believe in becoming a single unit once  you are married.  That just sounds boring.
  • Sometimes we go to bed angry.  Opposite of what we are taught but we do this from time to time.  Not with the big kind of angry but more with the small, turn our backs, I’m going to pout, type of anger.  The anger that comes because I am over tired and didn’t I ask you nicely to wipe down the counters?! And why didn’t you??! Because really it is just easier to cut off the petty stuff with sleep as it never seems to matter the next day.

We have known one another for a small three years now.  In the grand scheme of things, that still isn’t long.  Our marriage will change every year and so will we.  The most important thing is that we are open about communication and on the same team.  I can honestly say I fall in love with him in a new way every single day.  Okay, some days a bit more than others but I couldn’t be happier.  If you ask the husband what our first anniversary means he will tell you it means we get to eat the cake that has been sitting in the freezer taunting him for a year.  Cheers to old cake!