The One Where My Brother is Married

This past weekend my kick ass little brother got married to someone who fits perfectly into our family.  I could tell you how lovely the ceremony was outside in the park and I could tell you how perfect they are as a couple.  I can tell you how the bouquets of flowers looked like they fell out of a magazine and how the bride wore the perfect dress to compliment her cowboy boots.  But really, all of that is a story that we have all heard.  I’m just going to tell you everything else that made their wedding memorable.

  • By the numbers.  10 in the wedding party.  100 in attendance at the ceremony 95 degrees outside at the ceremony. 48 bottles of water passed out at the ceremony. 300 people attended the  reception. The youngest person to attend was just 4 days old, the oldest was 92. 5 kegs of beer.  8 horse trailers parked in the parking lot. 22 people who passed out in those horse trailers that night.  There was not one horse in sight.  3 am was when the last person left for the night. 50% of the people wore cowboy hats. 80% wore cowboy boots. I wore neither of those.
  • There was one man in tall, green cowboy boots (drunk) who jumped up and went down into the perfect splits in Wranglers.  Unfortunately Wranglers don’t stretch that way and they split all the way around.  The man stood up and proudly showed everyone that his balls were out.  Thankfully he had on boxers and he proceeded to not have a care in the world as he hit on everyone.  He even took my sister out for a dance.  I have never laughed so hard at a man letting my Mom know about his free flying balls while refilling her champagne glass.  Just what every mother of the groom needs.
  • I didn’t find out until Monday what my child was up to at one point during that night.  Somewhere around drunk-thirty, (for the adults) Rebecca and the other kids got the bright idea that they should charge people coming in the building $5.  People were drunk enough to believe that this was the case.  The kids raised over $100 for the bride and groom and I fear the day she works the door at a keg party in college.
  • At one point in the night a normally high-energy 3-year-old boy was sitting very still.  When I asked him what was wrong he said he pooped all over himself in the bathroom and his Dad had to clean him up.  When I asked why he didn’t go sooner he said he was dancing with a girl so he figured it didn’t matter much when or where he went.
  • For all the drama in my sister’s life recently, she happened to run into a guy who had a crush on her most of their elementary school life.  Needless to say they had a few drinks and a few dances and once he was drunk enough he professed his love for her.  It was actually kind of cute and neither of them hardly remembered it the next day.
  • All night people were walking up to the bride and handing her cash out of no where.  Thankfully she has big enough boobs to stuff the cash into and move on.  My brother said the most magical thing of the night was seeing his lovely bride take her dress off and he saw cash fall everywhere.  I hope he isn’t planning on that happening every night or he will be sadly mistaken.

After a wedding there is always that sense of relief, that moment when you realize everyone came out on the other side unscathed.  We are feeling that this week.  To my brother and his new wife, I wish them many years of happiness.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s