It has been a Journey

When we first started the building process for our house it was last November.  The Husband cleared the acre of land of most of the trees and there we stood in the clearing.  A place that we dreamt about to be our home.  Quite honestly, at that point it felt like more of a far-fetched idea that we had.

One day the foundation was poured and we stood in the middle of the basement looking around and thought, this is happening. I could see what might be one day but it still felt like forever away.  I would turn and go back to what I knew as home for the past nine years.

After that we started driving by almost daily to see what had transpired that day.  It was like watching a movie in very slow motion for months.  We would stand on the floor with no walls surrounding us one day and the next, we had an actually doorway to walk through.  There was a strangely warm day this past spring where I took a glass of wine and the Husband took a cigar and we sat on the floor of our home.  That was what it was starting to feel like.  It had walls and no roof but I sat up against the plywood in the living room and we dreamt out loud.  We could stare up to the open sky and see only the exterior walls but it was starting to BE something.

From there we gained a roof and actual doors.  Windows that closed out nature completely.  We gained studs that defined rooms and walked people through our house pointing out where everything would go.  We wrote on the studs of each room, words that would be covered up for a lifetime but we would know they were there.  Something that was just for us.

We would go every night and walk through our home and I would run my hands along the walls as drywall went up. Finally we couldn’t see from one end of the house to the other and when the front porch was built we would sit there for a while instead of going back to the apartment.  We would listen to nature and the trees.  We would listen to what our new neighborhood was.

Since my husband built the back deck we now go every night, do our walk through and then sit out there.  We stagger ourselves on the steps and we stare out in amazement at the big back yard. We talk about the countdown of days till we can move our belongings in.  The paint is on the walls and the flooring is covering the messages we have been writing on the sub floor back and forth to the workers.   More stories built into the parts of our home that will become invisible.  The things we spent months picking out are now being brought in boxes and put in their place.

I’m coming to realize, a place that was once just trees and dirt, has slowly just become our home.  I hate leaving there at night.  I hate walking into my apartment which is starting to feel foreign.  Without knowing it I have slowly been disconnecting myself from one and putting myself in the other. I have slowly been connecting with our house as we have learned every inch of it.  So in a little over a month when I go to move our stuff in it won’t feel weird.  It is a place that already holds memories. It has been a long road and we are closer to our destination.

Faith in Timing

We are at nine months.  Nine months since we pulled the goalie.  Nine months since we made the decision to root for the two pink lines.  Nine months since we made the decision to take another step in our lives.  None months since we have decided to start trying for a baby.  And do you know what has happened….??….

Not a damn thing.

We made the decision and that was pretty much it.  We have had a whole house building project that has taken up a lot more time than we anticipated.  I think I was a bit more emotional in the first few months about NOT getting pregnant than I have been in the past few months.  Perhaps I started to realize that I have been stressed and we have been busy.  I can also say that had we gotten pregnant right away….holy fuck…bad timing.

All this to say that we aren’t stressing about it right now.  That doesn’t mean everyone else isn’t.  It is a topic at family functions and my friend recently suggest her fertility specialist to us.  Our decision right now is to have faith in timing and drink wine as desired.  Now if I can get everyone else to quit hitting the panic button it would make this easier.

A Practical Marriage

A friend made a comment to me the other day that her and her husband just have to have a practical marriage, after all they have kids.  She was mainly referring to their anniversary and said it wasn’t worth putting time into that one day of the year because it wasn’t practical. 

Personally I was appalled.  This isn’t the first time I have heard her talk about her marriage like this.  They believe that their marriage should take a back seat until their  four kids are raised.  Practicality apparently.  I have to say, to each his own, I understand this but I’m not so sure about it.

Call us selfish, but having already had a marriage that didn’t end well I don’t want to be practical.  Life is too short.  Sure, having kids means you have to bend a bit and think outside the box but I will not put my marriage on the back burner for Rebecca or any other future kids we have.  Our marriage means too much to us to do that.  We fell in love for a reason and I don’t want to take advantage of that fact.  I don’t want to assume it will just sustain on the fact that we said “I do.” 

We have goals as a couple of things we want to accomplish in our life outside of just children.  I don’t see anything wrong with this.  I don’t want to have the same dinner every Tuesday night and the same date night  once a month ending in boring sex.  I’m not saying we go cliff diving for every date night but I’m saying throw practical out of the window and have sex in your car in the parking lot of the restaurant on your anniversary, even if it means doing so in a mini-van. I’m saying get dressed up and flirt at dinner with your spouse, jump in the car and just drive for a while.  Throw some spontaneity in your marriage and avoid practical. 

Finding my Independence Again

This weekend I went back home, to where I grew up, for four days with my husband.  It was a rare treat that offered us days of no running around, no scheduled activities and just relaxation.  It was filled with a fourth of July spent celebrating family and friends.  It was different than it has been in the past as we were missing my sister’s soon to be ex-husband and my child was with her father. 

It offered time that I didn’t realize how desperately I needed.  I spent my time lying in the sun on a chair next to my sister.  Spraying sun screen, rolling over, reading celebrity magazines, talking to my sister and breathing in the fresh air.  We would flip again, suck down rum punches that reminded me of my wedding in Mexico and then spray more sun screen. The music radio blasted country music and the only sign of life would be the occasional tractor that would kick up dust on the gravel road as it went by. Then we would flip once more.

Our nights were not much different.  Wine replaced the rum punch and sweatshirts replaced the swim suits as the weather was unseasonably cool at night.  We built a fire that we all sat around and one that kept the bugs away.  There would be laughter, story telling and food passed around.  Occasionally the sky would light up from the boys lighting fireworks but it was quickly replaced by the stars that would stay burning all night for miles. 

At times the sun would be soon coming up and I would find my place to sleep and I would actually sleep.  I would sleep next to my husband till an unheard of time-10:30am.  Who sleeps that late anymore?  I would sleep without dreams or without stress and my thoughts during the day were simple and carefree. 

By the time we came home I realized my brain was actually on fire.  It was full.  It was full of things I hadn’t had time to think about.  It has stayed that way which is why I am up way past my bedtime with the hours of work coming to kick my ass soon. 

You see, my brain turned back on to dreams, possibilities and what I have been pushing aside.  I’ve shoved things aside recently.  After all, we can only do so much at once.  But damnit, I don’t want to be that one that life escapes me and I forgot to join in.  I don’t want to forget my dreams and just call them that…dreams.  I have been caught up in just getting through the week and then just doing the weekend waiting for a house close date or the next saga in my family life. 

In the middle of letting the sun soak in I realized I forgot about myself.  The past few months I have been on one track-surviving.  I feel like someone just gave me a chance to take a pit stop, now I just have to figure out what to do with it.