This weekend I went back home, to where I grew up, for four days with my husband. It was a rare treat that offered us days of no running around, no scheduled activities and just relaxation. It was filled with a fourth of July spent celebrating family and friends. It was different than it has been in the past as we were missing my sister’s soon to be ex-husband and my child was with her father.
It offered time that I didn’t realize how desperately I needed. I spent my time lying in the sun on a chair next to my sister. Spraying sun screen, rolling over, reading celebrity magazines, talking to my sister and breathing in the fresh air. We would flip again, suck down rum punches that reminded me of my wedding in Mexico and then spray more sun screen. The music radio blasted country music and the only sign of life would be the occasional tractor that would kick up dust on the gravel road as it went by. Then we would flip once more.
Our nights were not much different. Wine replaced the rum punch and sweatshirts replaced the swim suits as the weather was unseasonably cool at night. We built a fire that we all sat around and one that kept the bugs away. There would be laughter, story telling and food passed around. Occasionally the sky would light up from the boys lighting fireworks but it was quickly replaced by the stars that would stay burning all night for miles.
At times the sun would be soon coming up and I would find my place to sleep and I would actually sleep. I would sleep next to my husband till an unheard of time-10:30am. Who sleeps that late anymore? I would sleep without dreams or without stress and my thoughts during the day were simple and carefree.
By the time we came home I realized my brain was actually on fire. It was full. It was full of things I hadn’t had time to think about. It has stayed that way which is why I am up way past my bedtime with the hours of work coming to kick my ass soon.
You see, my brain turned back on to dreams, possibilities and what I have been pushing aside. I’ve shoved things aside recently. After all, we can only do so much at once. But damnit, I don’t want to be that one that life escapes me and I forgot to join in. I don’t want to forget my dreams and just call them that…dreams. I have been caught up in just getting through the week and then just doing the weekend waiting for a house close date or the next saga in my family life.
In the middle of letting the sun soak in I realized I forgot about myself. The past few months I have been on one track-surviving. I feel like someone just gave me a chance to take a pit stop, now I just have to figure out what to do with it.