There are some facts in my life. I have been married, divorced, cried on some floors and picked myself back up again to marry a great man. When you write about all the bad stuff for so long it almost seems hard to write about the good stuff and then the bad stuff within the good stuff. Does that make sense? Maybe the better words are, the tough stuff within the good stuff because I’m learning there can be times that a second marriage is harder than the first and I struggle to sit down and write about it. I feel like I don’t deserve that. Perhaps I just need to sit down, shut up and appreciate my chance at marriage again? I’m tired of doing that though.
Second marriages feel the side effects of the first marriage. Something small looks bigger if it was an issue in the first marriage. I start seeing something that isn’t even there. I start blowing things up that don’t need to be blown up all courtesy of my first husband. Is that really fair to do to my husband now? As the Hub’s say’s, he doesn’t want to pay for the mistakes that my first husband made. I couldn’t agree more but what happens when those things aren’t made up?
The Husband has been working insane hours with no end in sight. Day by day goes by and it eats at me. I feel like the maid and this unsettling feeling comes over me. I have been in this place before. The balance isn’t there and I can’t keep my head above water. Part of it is my past peeking out from around the corner and part of it, I know, is real. I did the worst thing possible and kept quiet, what I used to do. I held quiet till I snapped, till the tears came and there was screaming over something small, I’m sure. Maybe it was a sock. I’m exhausted, this isn’t the 50’s, I can’t keep carrying your slack and your job has to give a little. Then came the words I was afraid to say, I was thankful this month we weren’t pregnant because how can I do ALL of this with a baby because I’ve already done it and I can’t do it again.
There, I said it. He yelled back that he wasn’t paying for the exes mistakes and we retreated for the night to separate bedrooms.
The next day resulted in white flags flown and we calmly talked. Simple. I’m right, his hours are insane and he needs to help more. I need to use my words instead of shutting down and nagging. Honestly, had I not been down this road before then I wouldn’t get so worked up about it. I need the balance but sometimes it isn’t going to be there. I have to learn that I can’t turn on the panic button but instead find the solution with the Husband. That is why we are a team. Sure there are side effects of a first marriage but I have to see past what is smoke and what is real.