The tough stuff within the good stuff

There are some facts in my life.  I have been married, divorced, cried on some floors and picked myself back up again to marry a great man.  When you write about all the bad stuff for so long it almost seems hard to write about the good stuff and then the bad stuff within the good stuff.  Does that make sense? Maybe the better words are, the tough stuff within the good stuff because I’m learning there can be times that a second marriage is harder than the first and I struggle to sit down and write about it.  I feel like I don’t deserve that.  Perhaps I just need to sit down, shut up and appreciate my chance at marriage again?  I’m tired of doing that though.

Second marriages feel the side effects of the first marriage.  Something small looks bigger if it was an issue in the first marriage.  I start seeing something that isn’t even there.  I start blowing things up that don’t need to be blown up all courtesy of my first husband.  Is that really fair to do to my husband now? As the Hub’s say’s, he doesn’t want to pay for the mistakes that my first husband made. I couldn’t agree more but what happens when those things aren’t made up?

The Husband has been working insane hours with no end in sight. Day by day goes by and it eats at me.  I feel like the maid and this unsettling feeling comes over me.  I have been in this place before. The balance isn’t there and I can’t keep my head above water.  Part of it is my past peeking out from around the corner and part of it, I know, is real.  I did the worst thing possible and kept quiet, what I used to do.  I held quiet till I snapped, till the tears came and there was screaming over something small, I’m sure.  Maybe it was a sock. I’m exhausted, this isn’t the 50’s, I can’t keep carrying your slack and your job has to give a little.  Then came the words I was afraid to say, I was thankful this month we weren’t pregnant because how can I do ALL of this with a baby because I’ve already done it and I can’t do it again.

There, I said it.  He yelled back that he wasn’t paying for the exes mistakes and we retreated for the night to separate bedrooms.

The next day resulted in white flags flown and we calmly talked.  Simple.  I’m right, his hours are insane and he needs to help more.  I need to use my words instead of shutting down and nagging.  Honestly, had I not been down this road before then I wouldn’t get so worked up about it.  I need the balance but sometimes it isn’t going to be there.  I have to learn that I can’t turn on the panic button but instead find the solution with the Husband.  That is why we are a team.  Sure there are side effects of a first marriage but I have to see past what is smoke and what is real.

 

 

 

3 thoughts on “The tough stuff within the good stuff

  1. Friend, I hear you.. Our pasts definitely make things seem bigger than they are now AND smaller than they should be sometimes too. And while of course you don’t want to make him pay for the ex’s mistakes, there is a familiar ring to being home ,while the other works too much and there isn’t balance. so you are of course right for discussing, even if it started out heatedly. I need to use my words more too, rather than lash out. sometimes, it is easier said than done, but we learn, right? XOXO.

  2. A male neighbor of ours heard me tell Eric that he didn’t finish taking the trash out because he hadn’t yet put the new trash bag into the trash can. The neighbor said “That sounds exactly like my wife! Instead of saying thank you for taking out the trash, she tells me I’m not done bc I still need to put the new bag in!” I sort of looked at this neighbor with a quizzical look and said “All wives are the same; we want our husbands to take out the trash. And if you’re going to do the job, do it right.” I think that there are similarities between a lot of relationships. And if anything, it’s good that you have the experience of a previous marriage, so you can discern when something is a small thing, but also notice when something is a big thing. We’re going on 3.5 years now, and I’m still trying to figure out which arguments are worth fighting for and which ones I should just let go… I’m hoping one day my husband will use the hamper but it hasn’t happened in 3.5 years…

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