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In the time we have spent trying to conceive there is this weird thing that has happened.  I don’t know if it is my mind screwing with me due to how long it has taken but there are times I wonder what life would be like if we chose to not have kids.  Every time the stick tells me I’m free to drink wine for another month, I question whether or not I ever really want to give up the wine for 9 months straight.

Rebecca is closing in on turning 12 this year and I’m a long ways from the days of newborns and diapers.  There are no bottles to clutter my counters and no annoying toys going off in the middle of the night.  My home decor is not interrupted by swings with monkeys dancing on them.  Even a lot of my friends are moving away from those days and onto the days of self-sufficient kids.  The Husband and I live in a world where we have spending money, we can come and go as we please, we can sleep in, Rebecca can get her own breakfast and no one has to worry about remembering the diaper bag.  Our friends are finally available, for the most part, to grab drinks or dinner at the last-minute on a Friday night with us.  We are getting into a good groove in our marriage and are enjoying ourselves.  Why would we want to change that?

Add to the fact that raising a baby today is even different from it was 11 years ago with Rebecca.  Social media attacks you, everyone has more of an opinion and you can feel like you are never doing it right. Do I want to enter that world and open myself up to all of that?

I think every parent has these thoughts when they are deciding to get pregnant or waiting for the arrival of a new baby.  Spending so much time trying to conceive means we have a bit more time to contemplate what the hell is coming at us when a little one does come around.

Sure the baby free life is appealing.  We could move on a path in our life that doesn’t have to include putting away more college tuition but instead that money could go towards exotic vacations.  But then there are those moments I know I couldn’t do that.  In fact, I would regret it.  I suggested a trip this summer to Disneyworld with Rebecca. The Ex and I took her when she was 7 and I suddenly felt the need to take her back before she grew up too much more.  Apparently it is too late, she suggested New York City instead.  I’m not ready for this to be it.  It doesn’t feel right or fair.

I figure I made it through the baby years once before just fine and at that time I still kept my college life in tact.  In fact, nothing can be as hard as what I went through with Rebecca.  So when my friends roll their eyes at someone wrestling with a baby stroller and announce “Thank God that isn’t me anymore!” I just realize more and more I’m not ready to make those comments.  Having a baby does not have to end your social life or marriage contrary to some people on social media.  I’ll give up wine for 9 months to get back those nights of rocking a little one to sleep.  I don’t think the baby free life is quite for us.