Feeling is Healing

I let myself lose it a bit.  I like to keep control but sometimes I do believe you just have to give into it all and break down.  I threw faith, positivity, and any give a damn right out the window.  I gave in to a bottle of wine on my deck, while it rained and stayed under the blanket, crying.  I lost it all over again when my Husband came home from work and I took some of my anger out on him.

It has been 18 months since we have started trying to conceive and for some reason I mentally snapped a bit yesterday.  After 9 days of a late period and negative pregnancy tests, I scheduled my HSG test and texted the Hubby that I was nervous.  His reply, an hour later, was “I bet.”  To be fair I have a rule that we don’t talk about serious stuff or fight via text.  It was something that should have been a conversation once we got home that night but in the moment I needed reassurance and it was lost via text and I started to spiral.

This can feel like a one sided battle as a woman some days.  No matter what my Husband does, I’m the one who has to watch days, pee on sticks, go to the appointments, get poked at and so on.  The luck of being a woman really and it is only the beginning.  All this means the topic is in the front of my mind more often than his and I begin to feel like I’m shouldering all the responsibility.  Compound that with the fact that all household stuff falls to me right now, my brain feels full while I feel like all he does is go to work and come home.  It all feels a bit unbalanced even though in the grand scheme of things that isn’t how it really is.

The good thing about just finally falling apart is there is only one direction to take things the next morning and that is up.  You would have thought I would remember some of these tricks from when I was going through my divorce.  There are the good days and the bad days and sometimes you just have to cry it out, talk it out and put your big girl panties back on the next day.  Which is what today is.