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The day we found out our baby’s heart ceased to beat, we sat talking to my doctor.  She quietly spoke about options and other things that all seem a bit blurry now.  In the midst of that she did mention chromosomal testing for our butterfly baby.  I remember at the time I just nodded my head and didn’t think about it much until the actual day of my surgery and she had brought it up again.  My wonderful doctor had spoken with my insurance company about this testing and got them to agree to cover the expenses.  We were told the results would be couple of weeks out but basically it could tell us if there had been something wrong with our baby or if there was nothing wrong.  We had about a 50% chance of learning something.

I can tell you, for the past couple of weeks, I have gone back and forth over what I thought I might want her to tell me.  There is nothing that can bring our baby back but you can over think this.  If we knew what was wrong, then I can point my finger at chromosome this or that and place blame. But what if it was a result that said this could happen again and again? Or what if the results came back with nothing? Then I felt like there was nothing and no one to point my finger at but myself.  What if that meant it was something I did?

What if?

What if…..

This was a big ass mixed bag of emotions and I didn’t know if I was ready to hear the answer.  I had an appointment scheduled and would hear then.

Although that didn’t happen.  I didn’t have to wait quite as long and my Doc called me with the results when I wasn’t ready.  I wasn’t mentally prepared.  I was prepared to be nervous and sick to my stomach at my appointment later in the week, not here in a busy restaurant, at lunch, while talking on the phone.

We got our pleasantries out of the way and she informed me that the test came back showing nothing.  No abnormalities in our little girl.  And that yes, it was most likely a girl.

I ordered a glass of wine.

And I just kind of felt numb.

Doc told me she understood how the emotions can be all over on this one.  You want there to be something, yet you don’t.  I know that honestly, it is good news.  I can’t let my brain go anywhere but that.  There is just some reason, that we will never know, that this baby wasn’t meant to stay with us.  We will go to our appointment on Friday and discuss all of our options and how we plan to move forward from this here.  There is nothing more we can do at this point.