8 Weeks Later

It has been 8 weeks from that horrible Thursday that altered our world.  These are the things I can tell you about.

I can tell you that lately the days have gotten easier.

The nightmares are slowing and I’m starting to get more good nights of sleep than bad.

The Summer feels like it happened forever ago.

My body is back to normal and I have thrown myself back in to working out.

I can talk about my miscarriage and my current feelings without sobbing.

I will bring up my miscarriage if need be with no regard for how it might make those around me uncomfortable.

I have held my friend’s newborn on several occasions and it makes me ache.

I still can’t go near the baby section of any store.

We still measure time with, when I was pregnant, before I was pregnant, and after the baby.  It is hard not to.

We are not using any form of birth control and I know how slim the chances are of us just getting pregnant on a whim.  I am still scared to death that I will get pregnant. I know I am emotionally not ready for this.

There is now a photo from the Carly Marie Project hanging on the wall in our bedroom.  I needed something tangible.  A reminder.  A memory.  I have found her website to be so helpful.

I want to punch people when they make comments about the Husband and I not having kids yet or asking when we will.  I have had to excuse myself from many tables, conversations and rooms to avoid this.

I turned down additional blood testing that was offered by my doctor to figure out what else may have caused my miscarriage.  My insurance won’t cover it and it is something I can choose to look at later but right now I am trying to ignore the hospital at all costs.

The hospital bills have started coming in from my surgery, ultrasounds, appointments.  If that doesn’t piss a person off, I don’t know what does.

I have found that distractions help me move forward.  At first it was a costume party, now it is a trip to the Dominican Republic. The Husband has been drowning in work which has helped him.

Friends that are due at the same time I was are starting to post their gender reveals on FB.  I realize I will forever look at that baby of theirs and think that I should have one the same age.  I realize that you can’t get rid of every reminder.  Hell, even Princess Kate and Carrie Underwood are due the same time I was, there is no hiding from that media reminder.

The most important thing I can say, that is always the hardest to realize in bad times, is Life Goes On.  It does.  We move forward and it gets easier to breathe.  And for those moments where it is hard to breathe, I can step back, acknowledge, inhale, exhale, and find stillness.

This is how we are eight weeks later.