I have always been one of those who really gets into the Christmas season. Once everyone leaves Thanksgiving night I declare it “game on” and I’m full on into the songs, decorating and shopping. I love everything about it and always try to really slow down and enjoy every bit of it. Until this year.
Once Thanksgiving night came this year it was more of a “game on” situation to pack up our summer clothes and say fuck it to winter weather. We headed far south to find warm weather and to give ourselves a chance to breathe.
I came back thinking it would be exciting to have the distraction of the holidays and I found it was quite the opposite. I was an emotional wreck when we came back. It turns out that when I was pregnant, I was looking forward to the holidays to hit up those baby sales much more than I realized. The Husband and I had talked about how it would be the perfect time to buy the crib and other nursery items. Because hello, sale. Suddenly, there was none of that. Sure, there were sales in every ad for the crib we had in mind but we weren’t needing to make that purchase or any others. All the cute “First Christmas” items, that are now on clearance, are something we don’t need to bother with either. We were excited to have an 8 month old baby to dote on next Christmas but once again- NO.
And that was when I realized just how hard the Christmas season can be for a lot of people and for many reasons. It is a huge reminder of what hasn’t happened or what is lost for so many. There are many families that celebrated this season with one less at their table. Many that celebrated with broken hearts of what might have been. There were couples that may have felt the weight of pain and struggle from the year. Others tried to find the spirit of the season only to be met with a maddening feeling that they have lost so much faith. For some it isn’t a reminder of all the good but all that hasn’t been good.
To all of you I want to say how sorry I am. For those who wavered, cried, lost it, struggled, and just tried to get through the holidays, you are not the only one.
The New Year should be a chance to start fresh and I know that isn’t as easy for some. I have pulled the baby topic off the table until after the New Year and that deadline is quickly approaching. We have conversations that we need to start having and I don’t know how to sort all of that. I don’t know what I’m ready for because there is no answer.
My hope for everyone in the New Year that is struggling with infertility is that you get the gift that you have been longing for. For everyone that has been struggling with miscarriages and/or the loss of a child(ren), may you find the courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other. For all of those who feel like you are drowning beneath the weight of decisions and uncertainty, may you find peace with where the road is taking you. For those that feel like they lost all hope, may you find faith. May there be joy in the small achievements, hurdles crossed, and chances to breathe.
May the New Year be bright, magical, and full of happiness for you all.
Through My Mistakes 
It is a really difficult time of year. I’m glad we’re here for each other! X
hugs friend, to you and those that struggle with infertility, it is incredibly hard, and I have two close people in my life that struggle with it, and it just breaks my heart. Here’s to hoping 2015 brings forth some positivity xoxo
Amen.
Amen
I have been sitting here reading through all of your posts and feel as though we are connected somehow. Your journey through infertility is almost identical to mine, including the trip to DR and even my divorce. These same thoughts roll around in my head but you manage to express them in such an honest and eloquent way. You are absolutely dead on about the holidays. I didn’t know how to explain my feelings of loss, frustration and dread over the end of a truly painful year for both husband and I. An emotional roller coaster, full of disappointment, grief at times and then back up again. Everything is sarting to go right with my career for the first time in my life. But the longing for a chance to experience what seems to come so easily to others is always there, tugging at your thoughts at the end of the day every day. Most do not know (and will never know) the heartache, depression and sense of emptiness you feel on a daily basis. The ones you do share it with you feel are sometimes tired of hearing you talk about it. And I sometimes feel the same way-when will I ever have the chance to tall about the joy surrounding pregnancy? After two mc and countless fertility treatments, where do we go from here? The experiences have taught me a lot about myself, but I can’t deny the fact that I’ve given up hope. The new year has created more anxiety than ever before. Anxiety about the last year of hell and how we would ever get through another. I also can’t deny the thought of feeling like somehow it’s my fault. I have a love affair with wine too and always consider the possibility I’m being punished for this. It’s a constant merry-go-round of choosing whether or not to do the things I love out of fear I’m affecting this in some way. You are an inspiration to me and I am grateful to have read this on this particular day (sitting here on a Sunday morning, end of another failed cycle and fighting back the tears). I don’t know how much fight I still have left in me, but reading ur journey at this particular time means something. The struggle is real but with time, I may have found new hope. Thank u.
Andi-
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I am so sorry you and your Husband have had to endure this journey and such a difficult year. I am glad that you have found comfort in reading my story. It is not an easy journey and one that many do not understand. I hope that you do find hope and faith again, even if in a few glasses of wine:) And know that many people do completely understand even in those moments when you feel so alone. I wish the best for you.