I have always been one of those who really gets into the Christmas season. Once everyone leaves Thanksgiving night I declare it “game on” and I’m full on into the songs, decorating and shopping. I love everything about it and always try to really slow down and enjoy every bit of it. Until this year.
Once Thanksgiving night came this year it was more of a “game on” situation to pack up our summer clothes and say fuck it to winter weather. We headed far south to find warm weather and to give ourselves a chance to breathe.
I came back thinking it would be exciting to have the distraction of the holidays and I found it was quite the opposite. I was an emotional wreck when we came back. It turns out that when I was pregnant, I was looking forward to the holidays to hit up those baby sales much more than I realized. The Husband and I had talked about how it would be the perfect time to buy the crib and other nursery items. Because hello, sale. Suddenly, there was none of that. Sure, there were sales in every ad for the crib we had in mind but we weren’t needing to make that purchase or any others. All the cute “First Christmas” items, that are now on clearance, are something we don’t need to bother with either. We were excited to have an 8 month old baby to dote on next Christmas but once again- NO.
And that was when I realized just how hard the Christmas season can be for a lot of people and for many reasons. It is a huge reminder of what hasn’t happened or what is lost for so many. There are many families that celebrated this season with one less at their table. Many that celebrated with broken hearts of what might have been. There were couples that may have felt the weight of pain and struggle from the year. Others tried to find the spirit of the season only to be met with a maddening feeling that they have lost so much faith. For some it isn’t a reminder of all the good but all that hasn’t been good.
To all of you I want to say how sorry I am. For those who wavered, cried, lost it, struggled, and just tried to get through the holidays, you are not the only one.
The New Year should be a chance to start fresh and I know that isn’t as easy for some. I have pulled the baby topic off the table until after the New Year and that deadline is quickly approaching. We have conversations that we need to start having and I don’t know how to sort all of that. I don’t know what I’m ready for because there is no answer.
My hope for everyone in the New Year that is struggling with infertility is that you get the gift that you have been longing for. For everyone that has been struggling with miscarriages and/or the loss of a child(ren), may you find the courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other. For all of those who feel like you are drowning beneath the weight of decisions and uncertainty, may you find peace with where the road is taking you. For those that feel like they lost all hope, may you find faith. May there be joy in the small achievements, hurdles crossed, and chances to breathe.
May the New Year be bright, magical, and full of happiness for you all.