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It seems every January brings this calm into our household.  We hole ourselves up to hibernate, having grown tired of being social over the Holiday’s.  We find ourselves with little to no plans on the weekends and just the chance to be by alone.  Which honestly, this is the first time we have fully had that chance, without some sort of distraction placed in front of us, since the baby.  At first I was nervous about this and it was making me quite emotional.  I knew we were going to have to bring the baby topic back to the table and I didn’t feel ready.  I was simply freaking out about it.  Whenever it came to my mind I quickly pushed it right back out.

This past weekend we spent our time, once again, having no agenda.  There was nothing to schedule, sleeping in, daytime movies, pj’s wearing till late, time spent wandering the mall and random dinners out.  In the middle of all this calm nothingness, something happened.  I finally felt ready to start again.  I finally feel like I have the strength to start all over.  There was no magical moment, instead I was just ready to have the conversation with my Husband and it all felt clear.  We brought the topic back to the table and I didn’t lose it.  I didn’t panic. We just walked ourselves through what we feel might be the next, best step.

Of course, I’m scared.  If I wasn’t, I would be worried.  I feel like I can mentally and physically start this again but with much more caution.  I’m not getting any younger.  I don’t know what is going to happen and I can’t sit here and continue to guess.  We know we want to try again, we know we haven’t completely given up, and now suddenly feels like a good time.

With that being said I will be calling my fertility specialist in the next couple weeks, pending my cycle, to go back in and get back on the lovely infertility schedule.  There are a lot of what if’s out there and a lot of unknowns but I think we are ready to see what the next step holds for us, good or bad.

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