7 Weeks

Yesterday we hit 7 weeks.  We had our first appointment with my regular doctor and found ourselves back in the waiting room with a bundle of nerves.  I watched so many women being called back, minus their Husbands, and thought no way, no way in hell will I ever come without my Husband.  What would I have done if he wasn’t at the doomed ultrasound?  And with that thought we watched a frantic husband come in, asking for his wife, and they quickly ushered him to a back room.  That was enough to start the tears for me.

Once the Husband and I were left to our own in an exam room we realized there must be some sort of big red flag on our file.  We are treated differently by the nurses and certain things aren’t discussed.  They make sure to watch their words and seem to follow our lead on emotions and such.  I cannot even express how much this means.

Once our Doc arrived it was hugs all around and we skipped the bullshit.  That is why I love her.  She also skipped a lot of the first appointment chat knowing I just went over all that information not to long ago.  Instead she put everything in a bag and said when I was ready I could look it over if I felt I needed to.  The decision has also been made that I will have appointments every two weeks with her.  Her exact words were that I have earned that right to peace of mind after the shit I have gone through. I get that if something bad is going to happen, it will happen. More appointments lowers the anxiety level and stress for me and baby though so I’m not sitting there wondering.

We discussed my panic attack last Sunday.  I woke up having a really sharp pain on the left side of my uterus and major cramping.  I tried to relax and play it off as nothing but gave in and called the emergency nurse number.  Thankfully she talked me through it and got me calmed down.  I remained on the couch the rest of the day, trying to find a comfortable position and praying to God I didn’t start bleeding.  We came to the conclusion that I have a large cyst, that will go away, but is causing the cramping.

By the time we got around to the ultrasound the Husband and I went to our quiet place.  The place where we feel like we are waiting for bad news.  Doc just did a regular ultrasound instead of vaginal to see if we could possibly hear a heartbeat since we never did with the last baby.  A few seconds later that amazing sound filled the room and there was baby flickering on the screen.  Without us saying a word my Doctor went on to explain to us that it is normal to feel very different this time.  To not have the same excitement.  To be scared.  To hold off till that 12 week mark.  And she said even then our fear may very well stay with us till we first feel the baby move and beyond that.  She explained how this is now a completely different experience than what we would have had with the first baby and that is okay.  She said she got to hear the first heartbeat with us and she will do everything possible to hear that first cry with us.

That right there, that is why I love this woman.  She validated what felt crazy.  She validated what has happened to us.  She validated our feelings right now.  There was no sugar-coating and there was no ignoring the elephant in the room.

With that we went home and added another ultrasound picture to the fridge.