Taking the Stand

To begin Rebecca’s story start here.

There are moments that happen in your life and you have no idea they are life changing moments.  I have learned that is for the better.  When you sit in that life changing moment and KNOW it is happening, it can be so much worse.  You are changing the course of your life, you are changing the course of your fiance’s life, you are changing the course of a child’s life.

Nothing takes away the blood thumping in your ears or the pounding of your heart.  To sit and take an oath upon a bible while the people you love and hate bore their eyes into you is scary.  To attempt to swallow and wet your throat so you can gasp for that next bit of air is ruthless.  I had never wanted to run so fast in my life.  On the outside, to everyone else, I just sat still on a witness stand in a black suit.  I raised my right hand, nodded yes and glanced at my now Ex, then fiance, for something, anything…Dear God, help us.  Help HER.  If there was ever one moment….my Ex just nodded at me and we both just KNEW, here it goes, it may have been me on that stand but it was OUR life.  The THREE of us…

You know he never asked to be in this position.  He wasn’t the best husband down the road, obviously, but he was a great Dad.  He still is.  If there is one other priority besides his work, it is Rebecca, and remains true to this day.  As a baby, Rebecca woke constantly in the middle of the night courtesy of being a marijuana baby.  She was awful,  there is no denying it.  While I spent days with her the nights were for my Ex.  I could try to get up with her at night but she would stop crying long enough to inform me “da da, da da!”  I took the hint as I went back to bed and he picked her up so they could dance up and down the dark hallways at 3am.  It was their time.  Never once did he complain.

I sat on that stand trying not to cry while everyone took their seats, while my fate was being settled into one moment and the lawyers started questioning me one by one.  Who I was, what I thought, my past present and future while Bio Mom looked on with glares.  There were points the judge would stop and want to ask me a question and I would answer quietly.  If I could take back anything, if I could go back and do anything it would be on that stand.  I have guilt in those moments to this day, major guilt, that I didn’t do it right, not good enough.  I was scared.  I was fucking scared and I don’t know if I fought hard enough.  I don’t know if I pushed like I should have.  There was only one other time I felt that…and that was in my divorce.  I forgave myself over time for that.  When I look at Rebecca now, I don’t know if I forgive myself, in fact, I know I haven’t.

That first time on the stand I remember looking at my Ex, the man working his ass off for us to do this and I walked back to my seat feeling I had failed.  It wasn’t just that day either, court crushed me EVERY fucking day I walked in there.  Months of preparation, I was so far into a depression I think it failed me in court and the only thing getting me out of bed in the mornings was the Ex and Rebecca.

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