I realize in the movies or TV shows, when a big dramatic ending is over, usually that means the end completely. They don’t show the actors going home and dealing with the aftermath. No one thinks about that part. Everyone assumes life as usual but it isn’t like that.
After we walked out of that courtroom there was a whole new nightmare that needed to unfold. Perhaps you did not recognize the fact that when that judge gave my Aunt and Uncle custody, we got nothing. Granted, the most important point of court was to get Rebecca out of the situation she was in and keep her safe, which she was, but not with us. Not the people she knew as Mom and Dad who had raised her.
We were left with nothing. Just emptiness.
No, no one shows what it feels like to walk into an empty house and wonder what is next after your life has been consumed with one thing for so long. I remember my Ex and I just walking in our home and sitting there in the middle of the floor with nothing left to say. We were exhausted. An empty room, with toys collecting dust, baby dolls left uncuddled, clothes in drawers slowly being outgrown, and books closed to the world. Our house felt empty, our house felt empty, we were empty.
In a few brief talks, my Aunt and Uncle explained that they would work with us to be able to see Rebecca. After they got settled with her. Full custody went to them and nothing to the Bio Mom. That was it.
Four days later our landlord walked in and with tears in his eyes he gave us 30 days to move. His niece was fresh out of rehab and had gotten custody of her baby back. She needed a place to stay. Our place was it. Talk about a sucker punch. Where was our break?
In a haze of full depression the Ex shoved himself deeper into work while I rotated my days with packing or crying. I can look back now and tell you I was depressed, I should have talked to someone but I would walk out the door and fake a smile. Everyone was trying to do the same back because no one knew what to say. Hell, by that point no one understood hardly. The Ex and I were once again alone but it was to fight through a fog that we had no way to navigate through. We had no direction, no plan, no guidance.
Enter our family.
Enter the wedding.
Oh, yea. We were engaged.
It seemed everyone was tired of the doom and gloom so what better way to supposedly cheer us up than to throw us head strong into wedding planning. Step by step they tried drawing us away from the pink elephant in the room and we were like kids needed to be told what to do. We just followed when our only concern was needing to figure out what the fuck just happened to us and when would we see our Rebecca again?
Instead a date 4 months down the road was picked while wedding dresses and flowers became the new topic. A topic I just wasn’t into. It was all the Ex and I could do to just stay afloat because we were drowning fast. We were back to leaning on one another but that was also a problem, looking back, I don’t think we knew who WE were as a couple any longer. Here it was 4 years later and we didn’t have our glue. Not that we were going to talk about that though, we were faking smiles for everyone, so why not just do it with each other. Nothing was right with our world and we were drowning.