For most couples who endure infertility, the road is a long and winding one. For some, it may end once they receive that positive pregnancy test. For others it is getting that first confirmed ultrasound, making it to week 12, holding their newborn in their arms or anytime in between. For others it may not even end until they feel their family is complete.
When we found out I was pregnant the first time, I thought we were home free. I thought our infertility journey was over and we were in the safe zone. It turned out we were wrong once we suffered a miscarriage. With this pregnancy I can say our idea of a “safe zone” changed.
For us it has been all about goals and baby steps in this pregnancy. The first huge hurdle was getting to our 12 week appointment with a heartbeat. That created the biggest relief for us but I was surprised to find a whole new set of fears that entered my brain. We had officially surpassed a place we didn’t before but now we were in new territory. After speaking with several people about their miscarriage stories, we knew that just getting out of the first trimester didn’t mean nothing bad could happen. We heard from others who had very late miscarriages out of no where and this became my new nightmare. Was there ever truly going to be a point where we could be in a “safe zone?”
The day I started to feel this baby girl start moving and grooving around on a daily basis helped with a lot of my anxiety. I can honestly say it has been the best part of my pregnancy. I wasn’t so dependent on ultrasounds to make sure she was doing okay in there. I didn’t have to lay awake at night wondering if the worst case scenario was just around the corner. Every day she gets more active and is starting to get some what of a schedule down with when she is more likely to be letting me know she is awake. If ever I worry, I eat a few pieces of candy corn and she is back to the wiggles. (She is so obviously a Fall baby. Do you know how hard it is to find candy corn in Summer?)
It seems my next goal has been getting to 24 weeks. Not that it is ideal but if the worst case happens that she is born, there is a possibility she could survive. Every week after that is gold to me and to her. It becomes more and more of a safe zone to me and the reality that I can and will make it through this entire pregnancy with a healthy baby gets closer.
No, I haven’t spent my entire pregnancy in a state of worry and anxiety because that isn’t good for me or baby but I feel like we have been balanced with a dose of reality and not just sunshine and rainbows. At this point, we are the ones whose infertility journey will not end until she is safely born.
Through My Mistakes 
Whenever I tell my husband that everything is going to be ok, he asks me “How could you know that?” it seems like something we tell our children even if we’re not sure. I do hope everything turns out ok for you. And if thoughts have power, I’m sending you my best ones. Don’t worry about being afraid, we have all been there. Pregnancy isn’t about what movies tell us. It is one of the hardest moments of our lives and it only gets better when we hold our babies in our arms. That anxiety will for sure go away, but it’s ok to be afraid. Thank you for your visit =) – Shelly
Thank you Shelly. You are right, I know the fear will eventually go away. For now, it is reality and enjoying the little moments:)
The safe zone moved for me. First it was 12 weeks, then 24, then 37 and when he was born it was the first night, then first week and so forth…never ending, but that’s parenthood. Just give yourself positive milestones to look forward to ,
Parenthood itself does bring on a whole other set of “safe zones!” So true! Haha. But yes, every milestone means so much!
I am in my 14th week. I have ended thrice in ER in my first trimester,all due to anxiety. Better safe than sorry. For the slightest discomforts,I have rushed myself to the ER and ended up taking scans. My husband jokes that we should buy a ultra-sound machine instead . It will at least save me from anxiety. I am just waiting for the time when I will be able to feel the baby’s movements or kicks. This will give me reassurance of my baby’s well being .
You are so right to go when you feel you need to. Better to be safe than sorry! And yes, it does help once you can feel the little one on the go:) Best of luck to you:)!
This is such a beautiful post. I love your honest feelings. I agree that the ‘safe zone’ seems to move on as we progress. I am also pregnant right now and am about 15 weeks along. I continue to feel my safe zone moving up, as I hope the baby is doing well. Pregnancy is such an act of faith! I hope things keep going well and I’m glad to have found your blog! 🙂
Marla, thank you so much for reading and commenting. I hope your pregnancy moves along smoothly as well and we can support one another along the way!
I have never had a miscarriage before, and thankfully this baby seems to be quite a happy one, but it doesn’t mean that in the first 20 weeks I wasn’t without my fears. LOTS of fears. I thought getting out of the first trimester would cause me to give a big sigh of relief, but then I started hearing about people losing their babies at 21 weeks or later. So I quickly adapted and accepted that there apparently is no “safe zone” when it comes to pregnancy, and that whatever is going to happen will happen. Not that it made me less nervous. It wasn’t until I started to feel the really big kicks that I became 100% more comfortable with how things were going. But you better believe there are days where the little guy is calmer than others and I get really nervous if I don’t get beat from the inside as much as the previous day. I’m 34 weeks along now and baby could be born and be totally fine at this stage, but I still remain nervous about something going wrong. Pregnancy isn’t for the weak. I firmly believe that it makes us all stronger and more capable of coping with life situations. It’s life training for us. The movies glamorize pregnancy for us, but there is SO much more that we have to deal with than anyone ever lets on. You sound like you’re coping quite well with adapting as your pregnancy moves forward, and I think that’s the absolute best thing you can do! 🙂
I certainly agree that you don’t have to have gone through a miscarriage to be quite nervous through your entire pregnancy. It certainly isn’t what they make it out to be in the movies! Yikes! Quite the opposite! It does make you stronger:)
Discovered your blog after you ‘liked’ one of my first blog posts last week. I’ve started following and seems we have a lot in common. I’ve experienced infertility too and you inspire me to hopefully at some point talk about my experiences through my own blog. For me, now at 40+ weeks into my third pregnancy, I think once this baby is born safely the feeling (cloud?) of infertility may finally pass. I thought it had when I discovered I was pregnant with my daughter five years ago but then went on to have an ectopic pregnancy two years after she was born. Losing that baby and one of my tubes magnified everything not only physically but emotionally – it’s been a long journey since and for me I don’t feel it will be over until this baby is in my arms. Although my confidence has increased as the weeks have passed I agree about not ever reaching the ‘safe zone’ – and of course then parenthood itself throws you into a whole new world of worry! Focusing on the positive aspects and milestones really does help though. Good luck with your pregnancy I’ll keep stopping by to see how you are going x
Sarah-
Thanks so much for reading. I’m always happy when someone get gain something from my story or not feel alone. Congrats on your current pregnancy. I hope your baby is born safely into this world and that cloud of infertility goes away.
it’s a scary time, i also panicked a lot, especially earlier one in the pregnancy. I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks, 1 week before the first ‘safe zone’ But i was lucky to fall pregnant within three months after that. but it changes your entire mindset when you have lost a baby. you just can’t help it.
It really does change your perspective on so much. Glad to hear you were able to go on to have a rainbow baby!