For most couples who endure infertility, the road is a long and winding one. For some, it may end once they receive that positive pregnancy test. For others it is getting that first confirmed ultrasound, making it to week 12, holding their newborn in their arms or anytime in between. For others it may not even end until they feel their family is complete.
When we found out I was pregnant the first time, I thought we were home free. I thought our infertility journey was over and we were in the safe zone. It turned out we were wrong once we suffered a miscarriage. With this pregnancy I can say our idea of a “safe zone” changed.
For us it has been all about goals and baby steps in this pregnancy. The first huge hurdle was getting to our 12 week appointment with a heartbeat. That created the biggest relief for us but I was surprised to find a whole new set of fears that entered my brain. We had officially surpassed a place we didn’t before but now we were in new territory. After speaking with several people about their miscarriage stories, we knew that just getting out of the first trimester didn’t mean nothing bad could happen. We heard from others who had very late miscarriages out of no where and this became my new nightmare. Was there ever truly going to be a point where we could be in a “safe zone?”
The day I started to feel this baby girl start moving and grooving around on a daily basis helped with a lot of my anxiety. I can honestly say it has been the best part of my pregnancy. I wasn’t so dependent on ultrasounds to make sure she was doing okay in there. I didn’t have to lay awake at night wondering if the worst case scenario was just around the corner. Every day she gets more active and is starting to get some what of a schedule down with when she is more likely to be letting me know she is awake. If ever I worry, I eat a few pieces of candy corn and she is back to the wiggles. (She is so obviously a Fall baby. Do you know how hard it is to find candy corn in Summer?)
It seems my next goal has been getting to 24 weeks. Not that it is ideal but if the worst case happens that she is born, there is a possibility she could survive. Every week after that is gold to me and to her. It becomes more and more of a safe zone to me and the reality that I can and will make it through this entire pregnancy with a healthy baby gets closer.
No, I haven’t spent my entire pregnancy in a state of worry and anxiety because that isn’t good for me or baby but I feel like we have been balanced with a dose of reality and not just sunshine and rainbows. At this point, we are the ones whose infertility journey will not end until she is safely born.