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I spent 8 years working in the public daycare setting, countless years babysitting, summers being a camp counselor, 4 years coaching gymnastics, and have helped my friends with their kiddos.  I’ve had my fair share of time around kids of all ages and I can officially tell you, that doesn’t mean I like them all.  You can disagree with me on this and say you love all children equally, which totally makes you better than me.

For some reason people see my pregnant belly and assume I am in full on Mommy mode.  They think I want to hold their baby, listen to their kids talk, babysit their infant for “practice,” etc.  Here is the thing, just because I’m having a baby, doesn’t mean I like yours.  Kids and babies alike are gross.  They are slimy, crusty, smelly and noisy.  I will even go as far to say that not every baby is cute.  It is true, I said it and will say it again, I think some come out looking like potatoes.  It is all something only a parent can love to the fullest extent.

You know the parent I’m talking about, the parent who says “Isn’t little Johnny just adorable?” as he smears his snot on your Pottery Barn throw pillow and then the parent likes to now follow-up with “Just you wait….”  No, Johnny is fucking gross and I could punch the next person in the face who says “Just you wait.” I don’t let my dog hump your leg when you come over for wine so keep Johnny away from humping my pillows.  Thanks.

I have a co-worker who wants to inform me of how special and smart their grand-daughter is.  It is sweet when people want to tell you a cute story about how much they love the little nugget in their life but just because the toddler can string two words together doesn’t make them a damn genius nor do I want to hear them on speaker phone do so.

I’m also here to tell you that I have been around plenty of kids having a bad moment in public.  Rebecca was once young enough for that herself and we were fans of taking her to the car or removing her from the situation because no one wanted to hear her scream her sorrows.  Apparently that is no longer a thing.  As I was getting my nails done recently a little girl next to me went into full tantrum mode and the mother’s response to me was “You don’t mind handing her that sippy cup do you? You’ll have one of your own soon!”  Yes, lady, I do mind.  I’m getting my feet rubbed and this kid is not my problem nor did it exit my vagina.  Ruin your own nails by getting that yourself.  Also, non-pregnant people in this joint are annoyed as well.

Not everyone is a kid person, especially if you have a rather annoying kid.  Some people just merely like their own kids, just like they like their own pets.  It is a preference thing.  So remember, your kid is not the next best thing according to everyone else, just you.  And just because my belly says “baby” doesn’t mean I want to hear your birth story in the grocery store while holding your ugly child.  Save it for your blog like a normal person.