I believe everyone will have a different experience with a newborn in their home. Some things will come easier to some than others, some moments will be better for some than others and some will have more hurdles than others. It doesn’t make you a better parent than the next, it just makes it your journey.
Sleep isn’t too major of an issue for us. I don’t feel like a walking zombie. I shower each day. It may not be at an ideal time but it happens. I work out twice a day. It may take me longer than normal but it eventually gets done. My laundry gets done. My house is not turned upside down because I am not a person who can live in chaos. I need balance and normalcy. Does all this happen each day with out hiccups? Nope. I promise, some days we both end up crying, smelling funny, stuck on the couch and throwing in a pizza for dinner with possible wine poured by 3pm. It happens.
What I’m saying is we all have our thing, that when people ask how it is going, as new parents we grumble about sleep, diapers, crying or colic. For me, it is my Husband. I hate saying that but truth is, he is the hardest part about this newborn time.
We came home that first week from the hospital and he was great. He pitched in with everything and had all the confidence to be in the thick of it. Then after 8 days I was on my own and he was back to work. Working his insane hours while I sat at home figuring out our baby all on my own. While he gets up 50% of the time for her 1am bottle the other 50% I can’t even attempt to wake him. That is, if he is even home for it. Days have gone by where he hasn’t seen her awake or even changed a diaper or given a bottle.
Not that he doesn’t want to do these things but he either isn’t here or is a zombie when he is here. A zombie that can’t keep his eyes open, falls asleep often and is at his wit’s end due to stress. So when the baby does fuss he doesn’t have the patience to figure out what makes her quit crying that week.
What does this do to me? Makes me crazy. Literally, everything in this household rests on my shoulders and his one and only responsibility is going to work. I refuse to be the mother doing all the work. I didn’t sign up to parent on my own while the Husband comes in and plays peek-a-boo once a day because this isn’t the 50’s. This isn’t what my Husband signed up for either, to be fair. And I know he is just as frustrated. But this is the rut we find ourselves in.
Once a week, normally Sunday’s, we find the time to go out just the two of us and grab a bite to eat. The baby staying at home with my sister who, thank God, lives with us and helps out in the evenings. But all of this doesn’t help my brain that goes to, this is what I had already. A marriage where the Husband worked insane hours and I got lost in the dust. And that marriage sure as fuck didn’t work out. Okay, I’m being a bit dramatic as this marriage is completely different but those old issues creep up and panic can set in in the middle of the night when I’m frustrated. Frustrated that this is not how I pictured our first few months with our baby and it sure as hell can’t continue this way.
Some people have told me that a baby is just plain hard on a marriage. But it isn’t the baby but his job that is creating all the problems. A problem that we knew was going to exist but not to this extent due to great weather and too many contracts to keep up with. Eventually winter will come but it will also go and we will be back in the same rut. So where do we go from here? That is what we are unsure of. A decision that I can’t make for him but something needs to change. He knows it, I know it. Until then, I feel like I’m 90% single parent.
Through My Mistakes 
Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. It is good that your sister is around to help. Hope you both will be able to find a solution about it.
Ditto. Took the words out of my mouth. I know women in your similar situation, it isn’t easy. Wish there was more time for both parents to take off work together. Buy lotto 😉
Lottery tickets all the way:) haha. I’m really realizing how much more important it is for the US to change their maternity/paternity leave rules. Ugh.
It is tough for sure! I feel your pain too. My husband travels every week, 2-3 nights a week. When I had Makenxie he would be gone an entire week, only home on the weekends. When she was 6 months old he was gone for 3 weeks straight, home for a week and then gone another 2. I wanted to rip my hair out. We had no family by us either because we were in a different state. Now, having a toddler and an 11 week old it’s a different struggle when be is gone. It fucking sucks to be frank but we make it work. Good for you for getting out and going to eat the two of you! At least you can do that. 👍🏻
How the hell do you do it! I’m grateful he hardly ever travels. That would certainly send me over the edge. And you are right, it fucking sucks no matter what!
It is tough for sure! I feel your pain too. My husband travels every week, 2-3 nights a week. When I had Makenxie he would be gone an entire week, only home on the weekends. When she was 6 months old he was gone for 3 weeks straight, home for a week and then gone another 2. I wanted to rip my hair out. We had no family by us either because we were in a different state. Now, having a toddler and an 11 week old it’s a different struggle when be is gone. It fucking sucks to be frank but we make it work. Good for you for getting out and going to eat the two of you! At least you can do that. 👍🏻 I hope you find a solution soon!
Wow, friend, you are shouldering SO MUCH right now and doing an amazing job, but you are right, it takes both of you in it 100% to make it work as it should and not feel lopsided. I hope you both can come to a good decision around work and whatever will help to right size things a bit. xoxo
omg I can totally relate. I had a breakdown today in the parking lot of a Costco because going to Costco today was going to be the highlight of my day. Except the baby started crying so I got stuck waiting in the car with a crying fussy baby for 45 minutes while Eric got to go shopping at Costco. And I got upset because I was really looking forward to Costco and then I couldn’t go. And then I got even more upset that my life now is to the point that the highlight of my day is going to Costco!!! Life with a baby is rough. And it’s even more rough when you feel like you’re doing it alone. Eric helps a lot and he’s a great dad, but he gets to escape for 24 hours at a time, and when he’s home, he gets to sleep the entire night while I’m up feeding the baby. Sometimes I just get jealous that he has a life outside of baby whereas I don’t. And then of course I feel guilty for wanting a break from my baby. Even though I could seriously just stare at him for hours. It’s insane.
Can I ditto all of this?! Yes. I don’t think their brains understand that we, as mom’s, get zero break. Mental or otherwise. And sometimes teh mental time out is the biggest thing I need. Like a run to Costco alone:)