Why We Will Never Co-Sleep

Whenever I mentioned to people that I would never co-sleep, with my baby, in our bed, some would shake their heads at me.  The “just you wait” comment would flow out of their mouth and I would just change the subject.  My mind would glimpse to images that I know will never leave my head.

In High School I worked at a day care center in the infant room.  I walked in one day to red eyes and sad faces, no one wanting to give me the news.  One of my favorite little ones, Brianna, had died the night before.  She suffocated while sleeping in bed with her parents.  I went to the funeral a few days later and saw that tiny coffin, with her tiny body lying in it.  Her face looking peaceful, as if she was just sleeping.  Not at all like a simple accident had happened that took her away from this world.  I followed everyone to the cemetery where I watched little Brianna’s mother throw her body atop the coffin before it was put into the cold ground, the screams and cries filling the air.  That, that right there is what will never leave my mind.  Unfortunately, that wasn’t even the last funeral of that nature that I had to attend.

From that day forward I swore I would never let my child sleep in bed with me.  And I kept that promise to myself.  Rebecca never did and Cora never has.

Trust me, it’s not like it hasn’t crossed my mind.  We all get to that point of exhaustion in the middle of the night.  Then the next set of problems enters my bedroom.  Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t put a baby in bed with my Husband.  He has been trained to sleep under Humvees, in the middle of the desert with missiles flying over his head.  He wakes for nothing.  There have been numerous nights when he has accidentally rolled on top of me in his sleep, not having a clue.  Some nights he will fling around in his sleep, looking for his gun, yelling at his men, having a PTSD moment in which a baby should not be stuck in the middle of.

So instead I have found myself and my newborn heading to the couch when the times have called for it.  I tuck the boppy around my waist, baby tucked in close on top of it, me barely sleeping a wink, just knowing that some nights she needs to be closer to my warmth and heart beat.  Wishing for a world where we could curl up with a little one without the fear of hell in the back of our minds.  For all those mom’s that rolled their eyes to me, no, I just can’t do it.  Sure there are plenty of nights that I get a lot less sleep but co-sleeping just can’t happen in this house.

9 thoughts on “Why We Will Never Co-Sleep

  1. Oh wow — kudos to you for sticking to your guns and not taking the chance! There are some accidents that can be prevented by never testing them to begin with. I couldn’t live with myself if something like that happened.

  2. This is deep and too real. I am fortunate enough to not personally know of any babies that have died because of this, but know very well that it happens. I stand behind you in doing what works for you. Sending you and your family love as the memories of your past experiences is nothing I’d wish on anyone. ❤

  3. I worry about co-sleeping all the time. I have definitely been so exhausted that the Boppy baby and I have fallen asleep in our nursing chair. I, thankfully do not move when I sleep. My husband is similar to yours. I think he worries more than I do- that He could potentially hurt our son. I am so sorry you have witnessed such tragedy.

  4. I’m sitting here with chills going down my spine and tears in my eyes reading this. I could not imagine ever waking up and finding my little guy dead in bed because he suffocated in his sleep. It terrifies me to even think that way. We had him in our bed for about 2 weeks because I was at my wits end with him not sleeping. But once in our bed, he slept, but I didn’t. I was too scared that I would do something to hurt him or my husband would roll onto him. So I totally get why you would choose not to. Those people who roll their eyes at you should stop their judgement and just let you mother the way you want to mother. 🙂

    1. Sorry to make you cry! I know it is a touchy subject and many choose to do it. It is just so scary. And it does seem between the hospital, books and every warning sign, they do a great job of scaring the shit out of you.

      1. Even at the weekly community centre group I go to with a few friends, they always talk about how co-sleeping isn’t recommended but if you are going to do it, do it safely. But, to me, there is no safe way. I felt so insecure every time my little guy was near and I’m pretty sure the moment my husband moved I had one hand out ready to push him away.

        ps: your husband sounds bad ass! 😉

  5. I love how you are doing things, friend. YOUR way and not wavering from that. I think this is so smart, especially given the PTSD…a no brainer. xo

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