When I got to work this morning there was a baby announcement in my inbox from another co-worker. A husband and wife, proudly standing with their twin boys, and a sign that told the world they were expecting.
Why the hell is my initial reaction every emotion in the book? I am seriously happy for them but I sat there with tears in my eyes and was that a hint of jealousy deep down?
After I sat back, I realized a few things. Recently people have started asking us if it is time to have another baby. First of all, what the fuck? Seriously. My kid is 6 months old and I can’t even fathom that idea right now. Secondly, every time someone asks, my stomach clenches, I break into a sweat, I get nervous and I want to run.
If I’m quite honest, I have no idea yet if I want another one. Neither of us do. I just want to enjoy where I am at right now. The thought of trying again makes me nervous. The thought of timing our sex, watching the calendar, making sure I make it for timed appointments with my doctor, and on and on makes me sick to my stomach. None of that sounds fun right now and it sounds like an awful lot of time taken away from Cora. Even worse, the thought of failed pregnancies tests and potential miscarriages makes me absolutely shut down.
It is like I have PTSD from the first time around. So why the emotion of watching other people make announcements? Perhaps it is just knowing that I may want the road to lead back to that eventually and I know what that road entails. Not with ease but with a mountain to climb once again. It is like it is never far away and with every happy announcement it pokes at me.
Through My Mistakes 
Totally normal. I had the same feelings you have now too. I had that feeling when I was pregnant with Makenzie, after my first miscarriage. I had that same feeling 8 weeks in with the baby we lost after Makenzie, and I had this feeling while I was pregnant with Brady. I’m also on the fence about #3 and the thought of doing all of the things you mentioned above is something I can’t quite think about just yet….
I’m glad it isn’t just me. I think maybe people think that once you have one then you are good? Fixed? Healed? It just doesn’t work that way.
Nope, it definitely doesn’t. I feel like even when you decide whatever magical number is the right one for your family those feelings will still be there. You’ll always have them but maybe with time you will be able to deal with them a little differently. It’s not something that just disappears.
I absolutely understand this!!! We too get the questions and I know I’d love another one but I also know we are very unlikely to be able to have another one, yet the people asking the questions don’t seem to accept that as an answer.
Some people truly just don’t get it. I try to remind myself that they only mean well. It can just be so emotionally hurtful.
Totally understandable response. And it really sucks when people butt into your reproductive decisions, although I sort of understand the curiosity and fascination people have about babies and pregnancy. It may bother me more when people make assumptions that I won’t want anymore children because I have twins. Happens all the time.
You took the words right out of my mouth, and the emotions right out of my heart! I don’t understand why I get jealous either. I LOVE pregnancy and labor, but I’m pretty sure we’re done having kids. I don’t understand why I feel that jealousy when I learn that another woman is expecting. I’m happy to know I’m not the only one. Thank you very much for sharing this.
It is such a weird feeling, isn’t it? Hard to explain to some people. It does help to know I’m not the only one losing my mind over here! Haha!
Always helpful to know and pretty much always true…that we’re not alone. 😊