When I got to work this morning there was a baby announcement in my inbox from another co-worker. A husband and wife, proudly standing with their twin boys, and a sign that told the world they were expecting.
Why the hell is my initial reaction every emotion in the book? I am seriously happy for them but I sat there with tears in my eyes and was that a hint of jealousy deep down?
After I sat back, I realized a few things. Recently people have started asking us if it is time to have another baby. First of all, what the fuck? Seriously. My kid is 6 months old and I can’t even fathom that idea right now. Secondly, every time someone asks, my stomach clenches, I break into a sweat, I get nervous and I want to run.
If I’m quite honest, I have no idea yet if I want another one. Neither of us do. I just want to enjoy where I am at right now. The thought of trying again makes me nervous. The thought of timing our sex, watching the calendar, making sure I make it for timed appointments with my doctor, and on and on makes me sick to my stomach. None of that sounds fun right now and it sounds like an awful lot of time taken away from Cora. Even worse, the thought of failed pregnancies tests and potential miscarriages makes me absolutely shut down.
It is like I have PTSD from the first time around. So why the emotion of watching other people make announcements? Perhaps it is just knowing that I may want the road to lead back to that eventually and I know what that road entails. Not with ease but with a mountain to climb once again. It is like it is never far away and with every happy announcement it pokes at me.