There are so many times I want to sit down and write. I stare at that damn blinking line and blank screen. I want to say how shit my day was or how exhausted I am or how frustrated I am that day because no ones life is all rainbows and butterflies, including mine. But I can’t write. I click the close button and walk away instead, still holding my feelings in.
On my old blog I wrote about my divorce to a group that understood. No filter, sometimes twice a day. There was no judgment in a world of custody battles, separations, court proceedings, lies, cheating, and vows dismantled. We spoke of our good days and bad days as we cheered one another along till we got down the path that suddenly cleared us to a happier ending.
In the blog world of parenting it feels so different. I take that back, not so much the blog world but the parenting world as a whole. It is all so fucking judgmental. If you say you fought with your husband or had a bad day, people blame parenting. They look at you like you don’t have it all together, pat themselves on the back because hey, at least they don’t have that problem. When maybe I’m just having a crap week, because I am. People who don’t have kids can relate, they are allowed bad days too, contrary to what some parents feel. It doesn’t mean my marriage is going down the shittier or I hate the fact that I had a kid. No, it just means I’m riding the struggle bus this week. The divorce bus ends, the parenting/marriage bus doesn’t. It is called life. What goal are we cheering one anther towards?
If you go to an AA meeting or NA meeting, you sit and call out your name. You name your drug of choice. You tell how your day is going, good or bad. Everyone pats you on the back, cheers you on. They don’t judge you for choosing crack over cocaine. No one is going to roll their eyes for you going with a bottle of rum a day over vodka. In the parenting world you get the shit judged out of you for choosing breast-feeding over formula. Maybe addicts know more than us. Not that I’ve ever been to a meeting but my Husband has been to enough for me to make this shit up and for you to just read it.
Hi, My name is Sanibel.
I want to say this past weekend was tough…flu for every single one of us. Baby with a double ear infection who has lost enough weight to make me nervous but apparently not her doctor. Stuck inside for days. This week comes with sinus infection for me and the baby has a cough. We are using a back up babysitter that I thought would be our babysitter solution. She isn’t. We need groceries. We are having so many problems with Rebecca I don’t even know where to start in a world where people hardly understand her story. My Husband walked through the door yesterday looking so defeated, I didn’t know how to help him. I need a nap because I can’t sleep at night. I lie awake a night worrying about everything from babysitters and bottle weaning to a teenager sneaking out in the middle of the night. I wonder how the hell kids go from precious angels, sleeping in a crib, to teenage, lying, shit heads. I have no one to talk to that understands the extremes of both. But seriously, my summer has rocked. I’m not lying about that.
If you want the truth, that is it.
I take my seat, I eat a cookie, I drink coffee. You leave a meeting feeling better. Like a weight lifted off your shoulders.
I want my blog to feel like that again.
I want to dump my shit here again and not feel like I’m fucking offending someone who chooses to parent different from me. Because everyone is offended by everything these days. Why can’t we just cheer one another on that we made it through the week because sometimes that is damn hard. Kids or no kids, marriage or no marriage. Sometimes adulting sucks.