There are so many times I want to sit down and write. I stare at that damn blinking line and blank screen. I want to say how shit my day was or how exhausted I am or how frustrated I am that day because no ones life is all rainbows and butterflies, including mine. But I can’t write. I click the close button and walk away instead, still holding my feelings in.
On my old blog I wrote about my divorce to a group that understood. No filter, sometimes twice a day. There was no judgment in a world of custody battles, separations, court proceedings, lies, cheating, and vows dismantled. We spoke of our good days and bad days as we cheered one another along till we got down the path that suddenly cleared us to a happier ending.
In the blog world of parenting it feels so different. I take that back, not so much the blog world but the parenting world as a whole. It is all so fucking judgmental. If you say you fought with your husband or had a bad day, people blame parenting. They look at you like you don’t have it all together, pat themselves on the back because hey, at least they don’t have that problem. When maybe I’m just having a crap week, because I am. People who don’t have kids can relate, they are allowed bad days too, contrary to what some parents feel. It doesn’t mean my marriage is going down the shittier or I hate the fact that I had a kid. No, it just means I’m riding the struggle bus this week. The divorce bus ends, the parenting/marriage bus doesn’t. It is called life. What goal are we cheering one anther towards?
If you go to an AA meeting or NA meeting, you sit and call out your name. You name your drug of choice. You tell how your day is going, good or bad. Everyone pats you on the back, cheers you on. They don’t judge you for choosing crack over cocaine. No one is going to roll their eyes for you going with a bottle of rum a day over vodka. In the parenting world you get the shit judged out of you for choosing breast-feeding over formula. Maybe addicts know more than us. Not that I’ve ever been to a meeting but my Husband has been to enough for me to make this shit up and for you to just read it.
Hi, My name is Sanibel.
(Hi Sanibel)
I want to say this past weekend was tough…flu for every single one of us. Baby with a double ear infection who has lost enough weight to make me nervous but apparently not her doctor. Stuck inside for days. This week comes with sinus infection for me and the baby has a cough. We are using a back up babysitter that I thought would be our babysitter solution. She isn’t. We need groceries. We are having so many problems with Rebecca I don’t even know where to start in a world where people hardly understand her story. My Husband walked through the door yesterday looking so defeated, I didn’t know how to help him. I need a nap because I can’t sleep at night. I lie awake a night worrying about everything from babysitters and bottle weaning to a teenager sneaking out in the middle of the night. I wonder how the hell kids go from precious angels, sleeping in a crib, to teenage, lying, shit heads. I have no one to talk to that understands the extremes of both. But seriously, my summer has rocked. I’m not lying about that.
If you want the truth, that is it.
I take my seat, I eat a cookie, I drink coffee. You leave a meeting feeling better. Like a weight lifted off your shoulders.
I want my blog to feel like that again.
I want to dump my shit here again and not feel like I’m fucking offending someone who chooses to parent different from me. Because everyone is offended by everything these days. Why can’t we just cheer one another on that we made it through the week because sometimes that is damn hard. Kids or no kids, marriage or no marriage. Sometimes adulting sucks.
Through My Mistakes 
Hang in there momma. You’re not alone in trying to navigate the bad days. This stuff is hard.
Completely understand – I hope you know you don’t have to sugar coat anything on YOUR blog, I for one will never judge and will be here to help if I can. Been through it all – heck still dealing with an 18 yr old and husband (both Bi-polar) fighting all the time.
No judgement – vent all you need to.
Sanibel, you couldn’t have said it better. All. Of. It!!! People need this. As much as they want to judge, I feel they do so to put up a front. You know I can Miss Positive Patty, but it’s never always positive. The negative Nancy has to come out and play too. She has to get her exercise too. She needs to scream her head off too. It’s only fair in this thing called life. I notice being real and laying it out as it really is gives people a platform to do so themselves. That even if we have shit days, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if we can’t see it.The community you will build/are building in laying it all out will be the people who need you as their trailblazer. Keep up the great work momma. You rock!! Thank you for sharing these emotions.
I’m so sorry you’ve experienced such judgement in the blogging world. Keep it real, and if people can’t hang, then they aren’t your people. I know, easier said than done. But no judgement here. As moms, we’re hard enough on ourselves without someone else telling us we aren’t even doing THAT right. Hope you have a better day. Best wishes.
aww friend. I a) hate that you feel like you need to censor some of this when you never used to feel that way. I say try not to worry about the judgement or turn the other way…but I also am realistic in knowing that is incredibly HARD to do and almost impossible in some cases. but getting it out here as you have I hope, has been thereapeutic and helped you realize that you are not alone! b) I am glad you’ve had an amazing summer despite the ups and downs, sickness, stress etc. and c) I cannot wait to see you. hug you, and have a glass or 8 of wine with you too 🙂 xoxo