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We boarded a plane.

We went to Jamaica.

I drank.  I sat.  I thought.  I read three books.  I didn’t move.

I realized how stressed I was once I finally relaxed.

It was then that I could start processing.  Processing my feelings and how I wanted to proceed with everything.  The Hubby and I had so many conversation about our new, altered future that I honestly don’t think I could have thought about it if it wasn’t for the fact that we were sitting on the beach. I was able to have a clear mind.  No laundry waiting, no sleepless nights due to a teething baby, no work emails, no mail piling up.  Just us.  Us and some rum in my drink.

Some of you may have read the last post and had some of your own feelings regarding the matter.  Maybe you adopted from a teenage girl.  Maybe you were the pregnant teenage girl yourself.  Maybe you have had the pregnant teenage daughter.  In many of those cases, yours or otherwise, things worked out.  Things were okay. The end of the world did not come.  Some of you do understand, to a point.  Some may even think we are over reacting, only because I have been told that once.  Every case is different.  Every story is different.  I can tell you, without a doubt, this will not end with a pretty bow where we can all say that God clearly had a plan.  Trust me.

On our trip we made decisions.  We made a plan.  I let go of a lot and left it there in the water to wash out with the tide.  I had to move forward.

When we came home I called our lawyer.  Someone I haven’t had to talk to in 10 years.  That one phone call was better than any bit of therapy or wine to this situation.  Aside from my ex, he is the only one that knows every sordid detail of our story.  We talked.  We both choked back tears.  He reassured me and my decisions.  We will not move forward on anything legally.

I talked to my ex.  We both agreed on how we would move forward with the advice of our lawyer.

We have raised a child for 14 years and legally have no rights.  We have always known this.  Our system is fucked up.  While there are some steps that could be taken, it does not change the facts.

I sent Rebecca one last text giving her our love and support.  Letting her know we were there but she can contact us if need be.

We have heard from many more family members since we came home, giving us more information.  Words have been said, not by us, but others, that cannot be taken back.  I mentally let it go with the tide though.

My ex and I have giving up more than we can explain for Rebecca.  As does every parent though.  We gave her every opportunity.  We fought for her in everything.  We were open with her about her story, her future, why she needed to work hard in life and how we would always be there for her.  We probably fixed things too much for her. We swooped in and did it all for her because we were trying to make up for her bio mom, how different her childhood was, etc.  We can’t do that anymore.  She made decisions, she is making decisions and she has chosen her future.  She no longer wants to include us in that and I will accept that.  We will always be here.  We will always love her.

The most important thing we have learned is that we can’t enable her from here.  We can not be here to give her money, to be a leaning post, to one day let her borrow our car or sometimes crash at our place or bail her out of jail. This may not make sense to some of you but it does to us.

We will step back and let Bruce (the one who holds guardianship) do what he thinks from here.  Much of this is due to his actions as well so he needs to deal with the consequences.  Again, might not make much sense to you but it is true.

I spent an afternoon packing up Rebecca’s room.  Giving her clothes to Goodwill.  Crying over her baby doll on her bed, drawings stuffed in drawers, things that she will no longer play with because she has tucked away her childhood for something else. I neatly tucked away her snow globes, picture frames and other momentos for one day down the road.  I put those containers of memories next to her baby totes in storage.  I’m not sure when they will be pulled back down.  When she is 21?  30?  Understands more to come to me…To ask the questions…To have the conversations that won’t happen now.

She hasn’t even been in the room since last May and every time I went by it turned my stomach to knots.  It was like being thrown back to when we were in court and we couldn’t see her.  The scar that I thought was covered has been ripped open.  It floods me when I least expect it.  Memories that have been long buried attack me.  She has been the hardest thing I have done in my life. I feel a million emotions and I’m fearful for her but I’m still very proud of her, if that makes sense.

We will paint her walls, I will delete her Disney recordings on the DVR, I will turn her room into a guest room but I am not deleting her from my life as some may think. Instead I’m being realistic.  I’m moving forward with our reality.  A reality I prayed would never come but is here. We have to make decisions that are best for Cora, for our mental stability and for our future.

None of this has come easily.  Much will happen in the next coming months.  When we have been questioned by our decisions I still feel confident.  Just as I did 11 years ago in court.  Sometimes we have to walk paths in our lives that no one will understand. In those moments you will learn who is truly there for you, what really matters, and you will gain a new faith in your own self.  Then again, if you don’t believe in yourself, why should anyone else?