The day my baby had a baby

I have all of these drafts that I have started, some are actually finished, some thick with anger, others dripping in disappointment, all on the same topic.


I don’t know why I can’t bring myself to publish them.  Probably because I write them for myself in the moment and no one really need to read them.  Probably because this is a battle I mostly fight away from people.  They don’t ask because they don’t know what to say or they don’t understand enough about our situation.  Hell, most people I work with don’t even know about any of it.  But damn, it gets lonely when you are having a bad day sometimes.

I started raising a baby when she turned 6 weeks old.  Not by choice, by happenstance.  I raised that baby and tried to do the best for her every day.  A little over a year ago, as a 14 year old, she backed away from me and made poor choices.  Yesterday, at 15, she had a baby boy.  I knew it was coming, the announcement, but fuck it was a sucker punch.  Big time.  As luck would have it, I was standing in the wine aisle with my husband.  Our second stop after that was to actually pick up some pictures I was having printed, I finally felt the need to replace some of her pictures in the house.  I can’t even make this shit up.

Again, comes all the information.  Safe delivery, healthy Mom but baby is very small.  Too small for 36 weeks cooked.  Baby will remain in NICU for awhile.

I won’t go into the tiny details, even though that is what fills my mind sometimes, but ultimately it doesn’t matter.

How can I look at my time hop and see a happy Rebecca, next to me, at a baseball game, in the sweltering heat, while on vacation.  Just two short years ago everything was normal.  Had you told me that day what would change in two years, I would have never believed you.  It is a hard one to swallow, I won’t lie.

There isn’t much for me to do.  I go about my life, I process my emotions.  Sometimes I process them with alcohol, sometimes with a cookie, because drinking at work is frowned upon.  Sometimes I just sit and rock my little one because there isn’t anything more important to do than memorize that moment knowing life changes quickly.  And then I thank God for my little one because if I didn’t have her for these moments I don’t know how I would function.



9 thoughts on “The day my baby had a baby

  1. How is it even ok for a 15 year old to have a baby beats me completely.

    Our laws are soo bloody screwed up, I am soo soo sorry! The poor child has no clue how hard a blow a life has dealt to her at such a young age! I just hope her son is safe and gets good care and I pray she gets her act together and makes better life decisions now for the baby’s sake.

    1. I ask myself every day how a 15 year old gets to have a baby too. I just don’t understand how that is okay. Honestly. They have a very long road ahead of them.

  2. I am so sorry. I have been following your blog since before it was this blog and your whole story about raising Rebecca. I can’t believe this happened. Thinking of you.

  3. I am so sorry my friend, I was just thinking about this and you and then this pops up in my reader. I can’t even fathom what you are going through and how hard this all is. sending you love xoxo

  4. I read this yesterday between meetings and I haven’t stopped thinking about you, Rebecca and the little baby since then. I honestly don’t think anything I can say will address the situation appropriately, so I’ll just say that my heart breaks for everyone involved and I wish for the absolute best for everyone in the coming days, weeks and years.

    1. Thank you. I really appreciate your words. I don’t even know what to say most of the time, I don’t expect others to know either:)

  5. Ugh, I’m so sorry that you are going through your own version of grief with this. She has a hard road ahead of her. I hope you can all reconnect and find some solace some day.

  6. Someone else here with no clue as to what the right words to say are. So just know that you have my full support and sending much love and hugs from California.

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