I’ve made it pretty clear, here and in my real life, I have really not been up to the idea of a second baby. I have never said never but I have certainly not been in the camp of wanting to go for a second. I haven’t had that pull and I have certainly had my reasons. However, my husband and I have kept the conversation open. Sometimes it comes up more often than others but it is a rolling topic that evolves every time.
My husband has always wanted a second and not for the desire to just have a son, as so many assume. He really does want a second child in general. I’ve never closed the conversation off because I believe he has a say in our child total just as much as I do. I don’t think it is a one-sided thing. Sure, I am the primary parent, I have to carry/labor the baby, etc. but at the end of the day this is our marriage and family. We believe that until both of us are happy with the solution we shouldn’t stop the conversation.
Recently we sat down and really dug into the possibility of a second child and it was me who started that conversation. I have realized that the repeated shelving of the conversation was giving me anxiety…the what if, the when, the undecided. As a type A person I was ready to make a plan and my husband was open to options.
First and most importantly, I’m finally to the point with Cora that I can breathe a bit. She might have been a difficult infant due to sleep and eating issues but I’m just going to go ahead and throw out she is a damn easy toddler. We DO have our moments/days but life is so much easier now. Go ahead and tell me that will bite me in the ass, I don’t care. She is still well ahead of the game for her age, she listens, she sleeps, she naps, she is potty training, she no longer screams non-stop in the truck and she is so helpful around the house, in a fun way. So why would I want to ruin that, you ask? It is more about how I can finally picture fitting a baby in our life now. I never could before because I felt like I was drowning in all of the no fucking sleep and screaming during every car ride because car seat!
I’ve also never wanted to rush Cora into growing up. I just wanted to soak up as much of this time as possible and not ruin it with TTC issues. I wanted her, in a way, to be apart of the decision. Some of you now think I have lost my mind but seriously. I wanted her to be old enough to understand what was going and you could say she does. I can tell you I would be fine to tell her no fucking way if that was the decision but it really does help us out. She has literally asked for me to have a baby, she makes me hold the new baby at daycare, she is totally fine with babies coming to our house, using her baby stuff, and her own mommy and daddy giving said baby attention. The kid has baby fever and so does her Daddy. I don’t feel like I’m going to completely ruin her world if we had another child is what I’m saying.
Facts: I’m 35 years old, I have known fertility issues, I have heart complications, and I am a high risk case. I don’t want to say the clock is ticking but it is. Does that mean I want to pull the goalie yet? No. However, we decided to set a time, in the future, to pull said goalie. We have allotted how much time we will be without a goalie before going into our fertility specialist. We have also, again, discussed how far we will take the TTC road until we say no more, if we don’t get pregnant. If that time in the future comes and I am not 100% ready then we will regroup.
I can’t explain to you how making this decision has helped ease my anxiety. Talking through these things with my husband, for literally two years now, has helped so much. It doesn’t mean I still won’t be all over the board about this but it is all becoming a bit clearer for us. I’m grateful to have a wonderful marriage and a great man by my side to work through this with. At the end of the day our family is happy and healthy, which is the most important thing.