Your Husband isn’t Your Trash

On Monday, during a play date at the kids gym, I hastily picked up my kid and left in a hurry.  I was done, over it.  I called my husband on the way home and announced I was officially done with these mothers, foot down.  Fuck it.  Also, I proclaimed my love to him and thanked him for everything he does, in case I hadn’t told him lately. Things he says to me in return on a regular basis, this is not a one way street.  Later that night I made sure we had a damn good round of sex. Two way street.

First, let me back up a few hours though…

I wasn’t even through the doors of the kids gym when one of the mothers started in on her “crap” husband.  I’ve had a hard enough time anyways with this particular mom but damn it, it is hard to find moms to have play dates with. She was bitching about her husband not letting her spend money, her husband not letting her get her kids a swing set, her husband not helping, her mother fucking husband and on and on and on and then came mother number 2 in the doors and then they fueled one another’s misery.

If only their husbands would…

do more dishes

help more with the kids

understand how exhausted they are

take them on more trips

make more money

work fewer hours

let them spend more money

look at them like Prince Harry looks at his new bride

…then maybe their marriage would be better.  Then maybe they would be happier. One even made their husband watch the royal wedding with her so maybe he would learn how to look at his wife better.

BUT

none of that really happens because did you hear their friend is pregnant and OH JUST YOU WAIT till she has that baby and her marriage starts going down the shitter.  Because that is what happens when the honeymoon is over and you have kids.

They look at me….what about your husband?

They suddenly realized I hadn’t been offering any husband hatred in front of our children or ya know, AT ALL.

Side note-Not one of these women has anything to bitch about, they have good husbands and this happens every time we get together.  This isn’t one rough day out of all the good days.

I then offered my advice/lost my shit a bit, being the only divorced one standing around, knowing that grass isn’t always greener but perhaps you should water your own fucking grass.  Perhaps you should be grateful and see your husband as your ride or die, your best friend, and your partner in life and parenting.  You know, what you try to portray on Facebook to everyone SHARON.  Maybe you should learn that marriage isn’t perfect and it takes work every day, not when their work hours slow down, not when the kids are grown, not when whatever phase you are in passes- EVERY DAY. And why should your husband put work into it if you aren’t willing? If you aren’t willing to speak up and say something or do something???  Why can’t these people also look in the mirror and take some responsibility in their own marriage because I know who had an affair in that marriage and who didn’t KAREN.

Here’s the thing, if you aren’t happy, fix it.  Talk to your spouse, find a therapist, find a compromise, read some helpful books, or SOMETHING.  If not, there is the door, try divorce, try separation but for the love, remember you are teaching your children what a marriage should look like.  I cannot stress that enough.

They shrugged their shoulders at me.  Rolled their damn eyes at me.  We can’t all be perfect like you, they say.

I will not be criticized for being proud of my husband and marriage. So I took my child and left.

Unfortunately this entire situation is more common in my circle of friends than I care to admit and the older we get, the more annoyed I get by it.  I have had friends go through some damn tough time in their marriages, MYSELF included and they vent to me, I support them (and their spouse), they support me (and my spouse), but I find that very different from husband bashing.  The things that women say about their husbands… I ask them if they would say to their mans face.  How would they feel if their husbands talked about them like that?

I’m not saying our marriage is perfect by any means but I won’t be put down for it. Life is short and I’m not going to go through it fighting against the main person who is suppose to be my rock through it all. Sure I yell at him for snoring, hitting his snooze button 5 times at 3am, dumping a bag of chips down his throat and I may need to vent about a tough time we are having but I refuse to take him for granted and bash him behind his back.  Nope.  Our marriage means more to me than that and damn it, I’m tired of being around people like that.

We are moving on in the play date department.  Anyone want to move to the Midwest and hang out with me on Monday’s? I’m open to conversations that include reality television and wine:)

 

22 thoughts on “Your Husband isn’t Your Trash

  1. I use to be the one bashing on the hubs (only one person that I would bash with) – because he really DID NOTHING! But now I am proud to say that he cooks, laundry and grocery shopping! Took 15 years! Be married 25 this July and going to Belize for two weeks!!!!!

    Completely understand and you are doing the right thing.

      1. Took 15 years to get him to help been married 25!
        I think you told me you had friends that went to the place we are going – The Leaning Palm. Ask them if they have any advice – what to bring! lol

  2. I completely get this!!! I don’t have a tonne of women mom-friends who I hang out with, but my husband’s dad-friends are particularly bad for bashing their wives all the time and every single time he comes home from anything with them he is frustrated by it and always comments on how he doesn’t have anything in common with them when it comes to discussing their relationships. And I guess he always refuses to complain about me, and they are always impressed by how much I do around the house.
    I just think that I chose to marry him, and he chose to marry me. We chose each other because we like each other and like to do things together. So, it’s in our best interest to continue to like each other, and speaking negatively about each other, even if just joking, wouldn’t be good for our desire to continue to like each other!
    Good for you for saying what you needed to say and for not surrounding yourself by people who are unhappy.
    Curios where in the mid-west you are. Depending on where you are we might be coming near you in a few months. 🙂

    1. Love so much about this comment. Yes, you choose one another every day and that is so important. You should continue to choose one another as well. My husband has had the same issue here and there but not near as bad. I just can’t wrap my head around it.
      We are in Nebraska:)

  3. I will admit that E and I have our challenges on occasion, but I’m thankful that they are just that…on occasion. Yes there are things he can improve on like helping out with more cleaning, for example, but I also recognize that there are other major areas of our marriage and household that he takes care of 100% and does it without complaining that I don’t help with them. And I think a lot of women fail to realize that marriage is about balance. It is about taking the time to recognize that yeah, he could probably pick up a dish or two and wash them, but look at that kick ass job he’s doing dealing with the bills, mortgage, vehicle payments, organizing big things like moving to a new house (using our current situation as an example) and so much more that isn’t immediately in our face all day so we fail to recognize that he IS helping. He just isn’t helping with exactly what YOU want him to do. You being the general female population. Not you, sanibel, exactly 🙂 And too many women want to get together and bitch about their husbands. I know that my husband likely vents about me to his buddies on occasion, but never to the extent that some women do about their spouses or that I would do about him. And anything I write in here that I have a problem with, he is well aware of it too as I speak to him before I put any venting into writing. I have learned that I have one or two good friends who I can go and briefly let off steam about E when it’s a rough moment and they let me, support me and then distract me from it knowing that the person I should be speaking to is E but I simply need to release and clear my thoughts before talking to him so we can have a proper discussion.

    Anyway, long winded here. Often when I am around other women and the husband bitch session starts, it really makes me appreciate my husband and helps me focus on what he does do and not on what he doesn’t do.

    And I think you should move up here and we can have conversations about reality tv (which I don’t know much about but I can certainly learn!) and drink wine. I’m all about that!

    1. I know my husband has ran into it where the guys start the wives bashing and he comes home early with a no thank you. I appreciate that he recognizes it and doesn’t want to participate.
      I know we all have our rough days and I’m not dismissing that but like you said, balance. That is so important. I think after my divorce I just went into this marriage which such a different perspective because marriage is tough but divorce is really fucking tough.
      I SO wish we were closer!!! We will be in Colorado in August….just saying if you guys want to road trip down there…Staying in Estes park!

      1. With the industry my husband works in there are a lot of super wealthy guys at events and meetings he goes to. He almost always comes home early telling me stories of affairs going on from men who have been married for years and how it sometimes seems that if they aren’t having an affair, they are standing around bashing the woman who is at home caring for their children while they are out drinking at the events. He said it’s appalling to hear what some of them say about their wives. I know he has his frustrations with me at times, but I know he is a firm believer in not airing our dirty laundry around people and our challenges are simply that. OURS. He doesn’t even like that I will sometimes tell my twin sister about our arguments. That’s how I know he’s not a wife basher when he’s out with friends. I’m also thankful that his best friend is gay, so he is totally the wrong person to get into spousal bashing with lol. Most of the time, if E tries to vent a bit to him, his most common response is “is andrea on her period right now?” lol lol lol. I love that guy.

        What I do know is that despite the challenging moments with the hubby, I love him to smithereens. And that is what I would prefer to portray to the world and it not be a lie. Marriage is challenging and nobody goes through it without a few bumps and bruises.

        Ohhh man I would SO love to go to Colorado! Such a beautiful area! If I had any vacation time left for the year I would be telling Eddie that we are hauling ass to Colorado and he would do it in a heart beat. He’s been talking about, next year, road tripping down to Talladega and going through Iowa and Nebraska and dumping me off there while he and hunter go watch cars drive around in circles lol.

      2. He is more than welcome to dump your asses with us:) haha! Plenty of room! Talladega is one long ass haul, that is for sure!

  4. You know, I feel its like the “in-thing” to get together and bash your other half.
    I don’t like the spouse bashing either, TBH. I will take it one step further and say if a couple is bashing each other after staying together for over 2 years, then the problem is not him/her, but you.

  5. I agree with you. Especially about the “if you don’t like it, fix it” comment. In my experience, the women that tend to “bash: their husbands don’t seem to be friends with their husbands. My husband and I have our ups and downs, but I married my best friend, and best friends have more to build a relationship on than “passion.” Before we got married (over 18 years ago) I pictured him bald and overweight and thought to myself “yeah, I can still see myself with that guy.” I can’t count the number of times I get done talking to a friend and then turn to my husband and tell him “thank you” for being such a nice guy, faults and all. If I lived in the mid-west I would totally hang out with you, except that my kids are 12 and 16 and way past play dates! LOL Best wishes!

    1. I love that you pictured him bald and overweight! That totally made me laugh. But you are SO right, you should marry your best friend and that is your foundation, not passion. Not enough people get that.

  6. Too bad I live in Australia!! I HATE the husband bashing that seems to happen in mum circles. My husband is an amazing man and I refuse to compare him to the legitimately poor husbands and the ones whose wives seem to think they are. One accused me of having “rose coloured glasses”… we have been together since we were 17 years old, we are now 30. I love him. I wouldn’t talk down about him to anyone. If I have something to say, I say it to his face!! If that is “rose coloured”, then may I never lose it.

    Also, if those women want a better marriage maybe they should fpcus on themselves and constructive conversations with their SO.

    1. Not rose colored glasses at all! I think your friends are just jealous. You are right, these women are too busy not paying enough attention to themselves.

  7. AMEN! My husband and I talk about this a lot. Pre-marriage counseling, I was totally someone who vented to the point of trashing my husband — both in front of him and behind his back. I didn’t even realize I was doing it honestly – or when I did, I was so mad I didn’t care. Marriage counseling helped a lot with that, and for the past couple of years I’ve made a conscious effort to NOT do that. Now we’re in a situation where his buddies are all griping and bitching about their wives non-stop and they literally get mad at my husband for NOT bitching about me. It’s so ridiculous!

    1. Good for you to own it and fix it! I’m such a firm believer in counseling. It can really help people take a step back and reevaluate things.

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