Tag Archives: blogging

Getting Comfortable

25 Wednesday Apr 2018

Posted by in Marriage, My Family, Parenting, The Husband

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I remember the days when writing was my crutch, my life support, and my way to make it through the day.  The words would pour out of my fingers and it was absolutely healing.  I really needed it in those days.  Soon days turned to weeks, then to months and now that has turned to years, where things have grown easier and life has changed.  I don’t feel that constant need to turn to writing out the words as my therapy.

When we had Cora we agreed to just pause life and breathe for a while.  No huge projects, no life alternating plans, just stop and soak in it all for a bit.  We have certainly done that.  Sure, we have had new parent moments and loss of sleep but all in all, our kid is pretty kick ass. Our marriage is pretty amazing.  I fall in love with my husband and our life journey more each day.  I don’t have a lot to complain about.

Cue romantic music, doves flying over us, as we sing kumbayah, in a circle, holding hands.  I KNOW. Gross.

Well, we all know when we get comfortable in life, God will throw you some curve balls.  We have had some over the past couple years (Currently dealing with a few)  but man, I will always go back to THIS WAS NOTHING LIKE THAT DIVORCE TIME IN MY LIFE.  Yes, everything gets measured to that moment and if I survived that, I can survive anything.  It gives you an appreciation for what you have.  Or maybe part of it is age.  Either way…perspective.

Several months ago my husband had some health stuff happen.  He spoke with his doctor, ran a few tests and came to the conclusion that it seemed to be a fluke situation.  We aren’t ones to get over dramatic so we left it at that.  Then last week the “episodes” happened again and at a larger intensity that actually caused him to have a seizure.  I won’t go into the details because they don’t matter.  Back to the doctor he went, who is doing a bit of head scratching and listing out possibilities that range from something we can handle to are you fucking kidding me. I’m pretty sure those are medical terms.

Blood tests, EKG, and yesterday was the CT scan.  All came back normal, so those are crossed off the list and specialists are being lined up. Normal means good but at the same time we want an answer, as much as we are fearing it.  It feels like fighting infertility all over again in a way.

At the moment, we are keeping this to ourselves and trying to not let it get to us.  Yet, there it is hovering over us at the dinner table, more emphasis is behind every I love you, it sits in the back of my mind at work and it hangs in the air when we talk on our lunch break.  Honestly, just unsure of how to truly feel and scared of what could be lurking around the corner.

My husband canceled some side jobs, moved some others around.  He decided to lower his weekend work loads until we get this all sorted, whether it is something minor or something much larger.

It is strange, I’m the one with the bad heart problems.  We tackle those, we adjust life to that and we plan on me falling over dead randomly.  We don’t so much plan for my husband to do that.  Him fall out of a tree, slice off a finger? Sure! Health problems to alter our world? Nope.

Which brings me back here.  To the little spot that helps me sort my thoughts and my words, in that calming way I have come to count on.  The place where I have dedicated many hours and logged my life with all the good, bad ugly and beautiful.  We shall now see where it takes us next.

 

Adulting through the bad days

03 Wednesday Aug 2016

Posted by in adulthood, Kids, Marriage, Parenting, Rebecca, The Husband

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There are so many times I want to sit down and write.  I stare at that damn blinking line and blank screen.  I want to say how shit my day was or how exhausted I am or how frustrated I am that day because no ones life is all rainbows and butterflies, including mine.  But I can’t write.  I click the close button and walk away instead, still holding my feelings in.

On my old blog I wrote about my divorce to a group that understood. No filter, sometimes twice a day. There was no judgment in a world of custody battles, separations, court proceedings, lies, cheating, and vows dismantled.  We spoke of our good days and bad days as we cheered one another along till we got down the path that suddenly cleared us to a happier ending.

In the blog world of parenting it feels so different.  I take that back, not so much the blog world but the parenting world as a whole.  It is all so fucking judgmental. If you say you fought with your husband or had a bad day, people blame parenting.  They look at you like you don’t have it all together, pat themselves on the back because hey, at least they don’t have that problem.  When maybe I’m just having a crap week, because I am.  People who don’t have kids can relate, they are allowed bad days too, contrary to what some parents feel.  It doesn’t mean my marriage is going down the shittier or I hate the fact that I had a kid.  No, it just means I’m riding the struggle bus this week.  The divorce bus ends, the parenting/marriage bus doesn’t.  It is called life.  What goal are we cheering one anther towards?

If you go to an AA meeting or NA meeting, you sit and call out your name.  You name your drug of choice.  You tell how your day is going, good or bad.  Everyone pats you on the back, cheers you on.  They don’t judge you for choosing crack over cocaine.  No one is going to roll their eyes for you going with a bottle of rum a day over vodka.  In the parenting world you get the shit judged out of you for choosing breast-feeding over formula.  Maybe addicts know more than us.  Not that I’ve ever been to a meeting but my Husband has been to enough for me to make this shit up and for you to just read it.

Hi, My name is Sanibel.

(Hi Sanibel)

I want to say this past weekend was tough…flu for every single one of us.  Baby with a double ear infection who has lost enough weight to make me nervous but apparently not her doctor.  Stuck inside for days.  This week comes with sinus infection for me and the baby has a cough.  We are using a back up babysitter that I thought would be our babysitter solution.  She isn’t.  We need groceries.  We are having so many problems with Rebecca I don’t even know where to start in a world where people hardly understand her story.  My Husband walked through the door yesterday looking so defeated, I didn’t know how to help him.  I need a nap because I can’t sleep at night. I lie awake a night worrying about everything from babysitters and bottle weaning to a teenager sneaking out in the middle of the night.  I wonder how the hell kids go from precious angels, sleeping in a crib, to teenage, lying, shit heads.  I have no one to talk to that understands the extremes of both. But seriously, my summer has rocked.  I’m not lying about that.

If you want the truth, that is it.

I take my seat, I eat a cookie, I drink coffee.  You leave a meeting feeling better.  Like a weight lifted off your shoulders.

I want my blog to feel like that again.

I want to dump my shit here again and not feel like I’m fucking offending someone who chooses to parent different from me.  Because everyone is offended by everything these days.  Why can’t we just cheer one another on that we made it through the week because sometimes that is damn hard.  Kids or no kids, marriage or no marriage.  Sometimes adulting sucks.

 

 

 

5 Years Ago In A Blog World

26 Tuesday May 2015

Posted by in adulthood, Divorce, Friends, Having Faith

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Thank goodness for Facebook and its never-ending reminders of where you were at in your life 1,2,3,+ years ago.  A great reminder popped up on a friend’s timeline that she shared with me this weekend that had me recalling really great memories.

Five years ago I spent a week in both southern California and Las Vegas.  I accepted an invitation for a blog get together with a little over 100 women that I had never met, nor talked to on the phone.  They were women in my comments section, women whose stories I had followed for so long, women who I shared late night emails with and we were each others cheering section in life.   We shared similar stories in our lives, divorces and rough break-ups but there were 5 of us specifically out to meet one another.  We had a bond that spanned across different backgrounds and across the United States but we had so much in common.  So, I booked a flight and we coordinated hotel rooms via email.

I wish I could say it was strange to meet up with these girls but it was anything but that.  One shared her home for the first few days, we did tourist things in LA, we shared a hotel room in Vegas, we drank too much, we partied our hearts out and walked the Vegas strip late at night.  These were women who I only knew through the computer screen, who held me up at a time when I needed it the most.  Women who knew my deepest, darkest secrets, and I theirs.  Yet, we didn’t judge.  We laughed and carried on like we had known one another for years.  In a way we did.  We knew one another in a way that our closest friends in real life didn’t.

These women are still in my life today and I consider them some of my closest friends.  It has been five years.  Five years since we first met face to face and we have each come a long ways in life.  I have gone through a miscarriage at the same time as one them and I am grateful to say we are now due with our rainbow babies at nearly the same time.  Three of us, since that time, have found the love of our lives and have married them.  One of these women made the trek to my own wedding in Mexico.  Each of our blogs has moved on to a different place and life.  The barrier of a blog screen is down between us but the lines of communication and ability to share whatever we need to share is there.

While my first blog held one of the hardest times of my life, it was raw and emotional, it brought some of the greatest people in my life.  At a time when I felt like I lost a lot of faith, they restored my faith in humanity and showed me what true friendship can be.  So those who wonder about the people behind the comments and the stats on their blog, they are real, they are human, they take time out of their day to read how yours is, they care.  I hope that you understand that when you are typing out your words, late at night, you are not alone.  There are people cheering you on in the world, people who support you and want to see you succeed.

I look back on the past five years and I am so proud of each one of us.  Life happens and it happens quick but it makes it even better with the amazing people that stand next to you.  Here is to the next five years ladies. Cheers.