Last night my Husband and I laid in bed, talking about the fireplace being delivered this week and how we need to bump out the basement bar. In the middle of the conversation he blurted out how he is getting really nervous for Friday’s ultrasound. This is how our life is, we are going about living it and all the while there are these demons and fears just looming in the corner.
I have a whole post I have written out on the difference between this pregnancy and my first but the truth is it comes down to one thing-on a daily basis I just don’t even feel pregnant where as last time I did. So that has me worried. Some would say I would be having symptoms of miscarriage if there was something wrong but I never did last time. A friend also suggested to me that since I have been battling severe allergies the past week then that has been masking pregnancy side effects.
There can be a million reasons why I have that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach and I know my imagination has gotten away from me on several occasions already. Friday’s ultrasound is going to be scary. And what is worse….The 12 week ultrasound we already have scheduled. That was the doomed ultrasound for us last time. That is the one that has us not talking baby talk. For most women they get more comfortable as the weeks pass along in their pregnancy. They get up the desire to share the news with more and more people. As our weeks go on we go in the opposite direction. Hide the secret more, as our nerves grow.
I hate admitting that. I honestly do. We say “if” for this baby, not “when.” I don’t think of a future for this baby yet because I can’t think beyond the first trimester. I want to be positive but I just can’t find it in me yet. I know that if we make it to that second trimester we will be so happy and well, let the party start, let the planning begin, let everyone know. But till then…we wait….and in the middle of the night I find myself, once again, talking to this baby in my head, asking it to just hang in there with me.