Tag Archives: Chasing dreams

9 Weeks Pregnant

18 Wednesday Mar 2015

Posted by in Baby, Infertility, Miscarriage, Pregnant, The Husband, TTC

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Last night my Husband and I laid in bed, talking about the fireplace being delivered this week and how we need to bump out the basement bar.  In the middle of the conversation he blurted out how he is getting really nervous for Friday’s ultrasound.  This is how our life is, we are going about living it and all the while there are these demons and fears just looming in the corner.

I have a whole post I have written out on the difference between this pregnancy and my first but the truth is it comes down to one thing-on a daily basis I just don’t even feel pregnant where as last time I did.  So that has me worried.  Some would say I would be having symptoms of miscarriage if there was something wrong but I never did last time.  A friend also suggested to me that since I have been battling severe allergies the past week then that has been masking pregnancy side effects.

There can be a million reasons why I have that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach and I know my imagination has gotten away from me on several occasions already.  Friday’s ultrasound is going to be scary.  And what is worse….The 12 week ultrasound we already have scheduled.  That was the doomed ultrasound for us last time.  That is the one that has us not talking baby talk.  For most women they get more comfortable as the weeks pass along in their pregnancy.  They get up the desire to share the news with more and more people.  As our weeks go on we go in the opposite direction.  Hide the secret more, as our nerves grow.

I hate admitting that.  I honestly do.  We say “if” for this baby, not “when.”  I don’t think of a future for this baby yet because I can’t think beyond the first trimester.  I want to be positive but I just can’t find it in me yet.  I know that if we make it to that second trimester we will be so happy and well, let the party start, let the planning begin, let everyone know.  But till then…we wait….and in the middle of the night I find myself, once again, talking to this baby in my head, asking it to just hang in there with me.

The Calm After the Storm

12 Monday Jan 2015

Posted by in Having Faith, Infertility, Marriage, Miscarriage

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It seems every January brings this calm into our household.  We hole ourselves up to hibernate, having grown tired of being social over the Holiday’s.  We find ourselves with little to no plans on the weekends and just the chance to be by alone.  Which honestly, this is the first time we have fully had that chance, without some sort of distraction placed in front of us, since the baby.  At first I was nervous about this and it was making me quite emotional.  I knew we were going to have to bring the baby topic back to the table and I didn’t feel ready.  I was simply freaking out about it.  Whenever it came to my mind I quickly pushed it right back out.

This past weekend we spent our time, once again, having no agenda.  There was nothing to schedule, sleeping in, daytime movies, pj’s wearing till late, time spent wandering the mall and random dinners out.  In the middle of all this calm nothingness, something happened.  I finally felt ready to start again.  I finally feel like I have the strength to start all over.  There was no magical moment, instead I was just ready to have the conversation with my Husband and it all felt clear.  We brought the topic back to the table and I didn’t lose it.  I didn’t panic. We just walked ourselves through what we feel might be the next, best step.

Of course, I’m scared.  If I wasn’t, I would be worried.  I feel like I can mentally and physically start this again but with much more caution.  I’m not getting any younger.  I don’t know what is going to happen and I can’t sit here and continue to guess.  We know we want to try again, we know we haven’t completely given up, and now suddenly feels like a good time.

With that being said I will be calling my fertility specialist in the next couple weeks, pending my cycle, to go back in and get back on the lovely infertility schedule.  There are a lot of what if’s out there and a lot of unknowns but I think we are ready to see what the next step holds for us, good or bad.

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How Much Should You Sacrifice?

16 Tuesday Apr 2013

Posted by in Career Journey, Friends, Marriage

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I sat with a friend recently while she vented/cried in my truck about her husband.  They have been married for about five years and she works two jobs to be the primary bread-winner between the two of them.  Her husband is an aspiring actor and they recently had to move back to the area because they have put themselves so far into debt while he has chased his dream.

I said what she wanted to say How much do you sacrifice for your significant others dream before you put your foot down?  She is burnt out, they are in debt, and they don’t have anything on the horizon that looks like it would help.  Sure, we all want to be the supportive spouse, we don’t want to be the one to kill their hopes and dreams. We hear the stories of how a person gets married and one person in the marriage feels like they missed out on something great because of the ole ball and chain.

What is realistic though?  Where would her husband be without her?  When do you say enough is enough?  I honestly could say that if I was her I would be done too.  I would have to have a come to Jesus meeting with my husband and suggest a different route.  I mentioned to her that she needs to not say it is over for him but perhaps he needs to take a break and get a 9-5 job to help pay down the debt and re-evaluate at a later date, say, a year from now.

Could this kill a marriage?  I’ve seen it before and my ex-husband’s job did us in.  His choice in chasing a career meant sacrificing our marriage.  There was no balance.  I don’t think you should sacrifice everything to put yourself on an unstable road for an unrealistic dream.  There are other hours in the day to chase our dreams, we just have to use them wisely.

Having Faith and Not Fear

10 Sunday Feb 2013

Posted by in Career Journey, Having Faith, Work

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As I mentioned in my last post, I have spent a lot of time over coming things in my life to end up in a happy place, aside from the job.  While I’m working on that goal I have realized it is much harder to have more faith than fear.  It seems with every tiny set back or bit of waiting, I throw up my hands and just assume nothing will work.

Basically I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Or the air to blow out of my balloon.

Or someone to piss in my pool…..

You get the point.

Life has been good to me and I feel like someone (perhaps the big man upstairs) is going to turn around, realize I have too much of a good thing and pull the plug on my happiness.  There are days I look at my husband and feel so grateful and lucky, what did I do to deserve this?  Surely my luck is running out at some point?

Why do we assume we don’t deserve goodness?

It is the curse of the good luck, you lose faith in just one more thing going right, one more chance at happiness.  It isn’t even the fact that I lose faith in myself, I believe I can do things in life but I feel like karma may kick me when I’m not looking.

I have friends going through this same thing and I tell them to just hold on to that faith, they are so close.  Much easier to say the words instead of listening to them.  Perhaps we have no problems picturing our friends having a positive outcome because we aren’t sitting in their shoes picturing the fall out.  I know if I let myself sit in glitter and unicorn land then I assume my hopes are to high and that crash to reality is going to hurt.  I would think there is a balance though.  You have to picture the dream, practically taste it, to work hard for it.

Where is the balance?

All the other good in my life has come with a test to my patience and timing.  I need to realize that.  I need to quit trying to rush life and realize that things have a way of working out on their own.