Tag Archives: growing up

18 Months

03 Wednesday May 2017

Posted by in Baby, Kids, My Family, Parenting, Uncategorized

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To the shortest one in the house,

We just started letting you watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and you love it.  Just a few minutes in the morning and it helps me get everything ready to go.  The funny thing is you call it the “puppies” show.  You wake up asking for puppies and point to the TV. You don’t sit watching it long but if they yell “Oh toodles!” then you yell it.  When the intro comes on and everyone waves, you wave right back.  At the end you dance your heart out to that hot dog song.

We just broke down and bought an Ipad, not for you but to you know, join the world.  You do enjoy watching puppy and baby videos on there instead of our phones.  Which has always been the only way you will sit still long enough to let us cut your nails.

Can you see the obsession with puppies yet? You and your puppy are two peas in a pod. You really love all dogs except for the neighbors boxer, Bacon, that comes to visit everyday.  You tell him to “home night night!”

You have been really good with your words for awhile now but everyday new ones just fall out.  You have more words than babble at this time and sign right along with it.  Unless of course your Grandparents are over, then you tuck away that signing like they are the ones who need it the least.  But kid, they are the reason you are learning to sign, they can’t hear you:)

You are super into coloring and your favorite color is yellow.  We buy a cheap pack of cards for each holiday and while I make dinner, you sit and color your heart out on those cards.  You also ask for a few stickers to smash in the card and we eventually pick a few friends or family members to mail them to. Sometimes I have caught you randomly licking the cards so that is nice of you.

You are becoming more and more helpful around the house. You know where to put your dirty laundry and that your shoes go next to the door.  You like to pick up your toys and wipe down your high chair when you are done eating.  Don’t even get me started on your love of switching the laundry and vacuuming. I mean, you hug and kiss the vacuum every time we pull it out.  You LOVE that thing.

You are starting to know how to put on your own pants, shoes and socks.  You know where the shirt goes but aren’t quite there yet.  Unfortunately you also know how to take your clothes and diaper off.  You LOVE to be naked and wipe your own bum.  Thank God for onesies.

Recently you discovered dirt and a shovel.  You have decided that you can put a hat on just like daddy and do the things he does.  Be still my heart when you were out there working right next to him, all red cheeks and sweaty hair, stuck with dirt.  You love being outside, thank goodness.  You sit happily in your swing, play fetch with your puppy and pick flowers.

The weather has finally warmed up enough for us to get back to our walks, down the mud road.  It has been a few months since I’ve thrown you in the Ergo and let me tell you, I can’t front carry you any longer.  So with a lot of practice, laughter, and tipping over, I finally got you in the back carry.  I think I need to adjust it more but you seemed fine with it.  You did keep patting my front and trying to climb up on me to get back to the spot you are used to.  Your little feet and legs aren’t ready for our hiking adventures quite yet:)

Every Friday we have swim lessons and you walk into the place like you own it.  Waving at the now familiar faces and going about your routine.  Then, every Monday we have been going out to a place just for you.  The gym, the zoo, children’s museum.  Some sort of kid thing.  You still aren’t good about other kids and you really hate all adults.  You like to stand back and watch kids, maybe wave at them but you aren’t one to join in.  I was the same way.  I was a stand back and watch person so I don’t shove you in to play.  I let you go at your own pace.  But when you do find a friend you like you are quite sweet.  Most of the time you do share your toys and play nicely.

Our food fights come and go.  Something I see be so normal for some families and yet we have a weird struggle.  You don’t eat meat and we live in the Midwest for gosh sakes.  You do have a love for pasta, peas and mandarin oranges.  I can tell you that you swallow those peas whole and you do not chew them.  It is as gross as you think.

Your Daddy is your world and you are realizing he is gone more than home.  Come Monday mornings, you don’t like to accept this fact.  Every time you hear a truck, mower or really anything with an engine, you assume it is Daddy.  You are starting to follow him around and want to help him more.  You let him do all sorts of things with you and you don’t fight him on it.  Examples, changing your diaper, clothes, putting on shoes or really anything.  Sigh.

Your Aunt is your best buddy and when she comes home you are so excited to go downstairs with her and chase the cats around.  You know how to say her name but have decided to call her Aunt Mamma all on your own.  Don’t know where you got this from but it cracks us up.  She pretty much will answer to you no matter what.

You are in 18 months clothing and look to be there for the foreseeable future.  At your 18 month appointment your doctor was quite happy to see you finally making strides in the weight gaining department.  22lbs! You are finally in the 26th percentile! Man, these little things we worry over.

A few weeks ago you fell at Grandmas for the first time and busted open your lip.  You did about 3 seconds of crying, while blood poured out of your mouth, and then realized licking a washcloth is fun.  Two minutes later you were off and running again.  If we make it till you are 3 without an ER visit, I’ll be shocked.

You are also super into buckles right now.  Any and everything you can buckle makes you happy.  Car seat included and you are darn close to getting it unbuckled yourself so that will soon be a problem.  We give you Fenway’s collars to walk around and work with because it is the easiest thing not attached to something.  Well, you try to then attach them back to Fenway which pisses her off.  You have your Dad’s brain when it comes to this stuff and it scares me how quickly you figure out how things work.

You are now a full on toddler, with an opinion and fight for everything. I want you to be a strong willed woman but raising it is a whole different ball game.  It actually surprises me how much I can get down to your level, reason with you and you KNOW what I’m talking about.  I see your brain working on whether or not you then want to follow through with your actions or not.  I have to say this does help, this communication, or I would probably be drinking way more:)

But kid you are our world and I’m truly loving this phase.  For the most part, each day gets easier and I do soak it all up.  I love being able to get you and take you places.  I love watching you learn and explore the world around you from the big things to the little things.  I love seeing you gain preferences for certain things.  More than anything I love watching you become your own little person.  This parent gig is a pretty damn great thing to do with you.

 

Triggers

17 Thursday Nov 2016

Posted by in adulthood, Divorce, Friends, Marriage, My Family, The Husband, Work

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When I went through my divorce 6 (6!) years ago, I fully dealt with it.  I can say that I look back now and I just don’t know that person.  I don’t know that wife, that person who signed divorce papers, the person that cried a lot of tears and went through a lot of ups and downs.  Not that I am embarrassed (well, a little) but I have completely changed, as we all do in general and my life is different.  I dealt with it heavily by writing about it, going to therapy, changing my life, changing my attitude, changing my perspective, learning and growing.

I’m proud of that.

However, there are times, when the past never seems far away.  A co-worker of mine has found herself in the midst of her own divorce.  A divorce she knew to be coming at some point as her and her husband have been living separately, two hours apart, for two years.  She finds herself at my desk, almost daily, venting her frustration.  I offer her words of encouragement, advice when she asks, and support. It quickly has taken a turn into the pity party zone though.  The heaviness she brings in each day is suffocating.  To make it worse, it is also affecting another co-worker of mine, a good friend, who still has issues she still hasn’t fully worked through from her divorce. She then starts rehashing from the beginning as well.

I remember clearly the amount of people who were there for me in my divorce days.  I have always returned the favor to each person I have come across in the same situation.  BUT you can’t live in pity party world.  I don’t know how to support you but when you are literally doing nothing for yourself, I just can’t.  Worse though, this is happening at work, not in my home with a glass of wine as friends do.  No, at my desk, while I’m trying to get shit done.

Rehashing the same divorce topics over and over, daily, for me is a trigger.  I suddenly remember these details like it was yesterday and it makes me sick to my stomach.  I fully understand where she is coming from when she talks about the unknown future for herself.  I fully hear her words and nod in agreement when she tears up.  I feel the pain.  But that is just it, I feel the pain come from that scar deep down in myself and I then carry it home. That weight I shed a long time ago is suddenly on my shoulders for no reason because it is hers to carry, not mine.

I went home last week and explained it to my husband.  I suddenly just wanted a date night with him.  I needed the safety net of him, which was stupid and I realized I had to put an end to helping a divorcee in need.

I felt horrible.

I couldn’t walk into work everyday and have two people needing to talk this all out.  With a fresh week, I have ignored the co-worker when she pushes her chair to my desk.  I chirp happily about other things, don’t offer advice, and don’t ask her how she is doing when she offers me the saddest face ever.  Call me horrible.  The other co-worker, my dear friend, we resumed that talk over normal wine drinking hours.  And she also resumed that conversation with her therapist because she is doing something about it.

I’ve been there.  I did my time.  Suffered my pain.  I have supported many friends but the line has to be drawn somewhere.

 

Letting Go of A Friend

03 Tuesday Feb 2015

Posted by in Friends, Having Faith, Uncategorized

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Last July I made a very tough decision and cut a dear friend out of my life.  A friend that had been my best friend since we were 14.  We knew everything about one another, we told one another every secret, we grew up together, we watched one another go through some tough times, we even had a lot of sex in between break-ups.

If you would have asked anyone that knew us well, when we were younger, everyone would have told you that we would grow up and get married.  But the thing is, him and I knew that we could never get married due to various reasons.  We became a package deal.  A Will & Grace, if you know that one.  You marry me, I have this guy as my best friend.  You date me, you can’t be jealous of my best friend.  It just worked.  He was apart of my family and I, his.

Then we come to last July.  I can give you a million things that led to this moment but this isn’t about those reasons.  It is about the fact that I was exhausted holding our friendship together.  I was tired of him using me and hurting my feelings.  My daughter was tired of it, my Husband was tired of it.  We all really missed the guy that we knew. Slowly, due to all those various reasons, our friendship was dissolving and while I was fighting to hold onto it, he no longer was but he did actually expect me to.  And then I realized I had to let go.

I sent a text after my final straw moment.  I told him he was being a shit friend and I just couldn’t do it anymore.  I knew he knew everything I was referring to without actually saying it.  He didn’t respond until three days later to tell me Happy Birthday and since then it has been radio silence.  13 days after that I found out I was pregnant.  He knows nothing of my butterfly baby to this day.

While this decision has been brutal, I miss him everyday, it has helped. It was worth it.  Until the moment last week when I received the news that his Grandma passed away.  Under other circumstances I would have driven back home in a heartbeat and been there.  But circumstances are different so I called the local florist to have them send an arrangement to the church with a signed card.  By 3pm that day, radio silence was broken for the first time and he sent me a text.  He thanked me for the flowers and told me he was having a tough time with the death.  I wanted to text all the words I know my best friend needed in that moment, but I stopped myself and I hit delete on the long paragraph. I simply said you’re welcome, I’m sorry and left it at that.  My heart broke more.

I don’t know how long this will last.  I hope not forever.  I honestly, for once, don’t know how to put this one into words.  I’ve tried several time since July.  There is something hard about saying you gave up on someone that you should never have to give up on.  Mainly because I would hope that he would never have given up on me.  I have to assume that he will come back around one day when he is ready.  Sometimes we just have to let the ones we love go.

My Sister.

20 Thursday Feb 2014

Posted by in My Family

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There are those people who go on and on about their sisters and how they grew up being best friends, telling one another everything.  Then there is the story of me and my sister.  We did not grow up being best friends nor did we tell each other secrets late into the night.  I had other friends for that.  We shared a room in which we drew literal lines down the middle of the floor and often beat the crap out of each other.  Ok, she beat the crap out of me because I was really little but I tried to swing my fists when I could.  In fact we didn’t even start working on any type of a friendship until I was divorced. Who says good things can’t come out of a divorce?  Take that another step when my sister started on her own divorce journey and here we sit today.  While we aren’t sharing every deep dark secret, we do have a strong relationship now.

I remember going on a couple of trips after/during my divorce that were life changing for me.  The kind that open your eyes, change your perspective and restore your faith in the human race.  Just what my sister needs on the heels of learning she is officially divorced.  Time to move on and forward.  Which brings us to today and my quest for living better in the year 2014.  Through a series of events, that proves everything happens for a reason, I found myself booking a ticket to England without my husband but then realizing I could take my sister.  She deserved a break.

I broke it to her carefully.

Text to my sister: Is your passport valid?

Sister: Do we need bail money?  I can get an alibi.

This is how we have built a friendship that most are born with as siblings.

So in less than a month I’m “dragging” my sister with me to England to visit my best friend.  The best friend who has been my “sister” all these years.

This isn’t just any trip over the pond.  This is a trip that will change our relationship even more.  There is something about becoming older, realizing how precious these memories can be and being so grateful for the opportunity to spend this time together.  I’m happy to give my sister a chance that friends, bloggers, and strangers gave to me after/during my divorce.  The chance to get away and see the world again.  The chance to have that relationship that we weren’t born with.  We are even going to share a room and I don’t think we’ll need to draw a line down it.

Dear Me, Two Years from Now

10 Sunday Mar 2013

Posted by in Baby, Ex-Husband, Friends, Having Faith, Home Building, Kids, Marriage, My Family, The Husband, Uncategorized

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Dear Me, two years from now,

You wrote a similar letter, two years ago, to yourself and you certainly didn’t regret it so here we go again.  It doesn’t seem like two years goes that quickly but it truly does.

This letter proves to be more difficult than the last because you are rather content right now, yet on the cusp of so many life changing events coming your way.  Not like the last two years hasn’t been crazy enough. 

You always thought the years would get easier with Rebecca yet they have become more trying.  The most important thing is to continue to keep the faith and push that fear away, behind every child is a mother thinking she is screwing it up.  You have not screwed it up, just continue to show her how much you love her and that she always has a home to come home to.  At this time she is quickly growing out of being a young lady and becoming a tween before your eyes.  One day it is dolls and the next it is makeup.  I’m sure by the time you read this again she will be taller than you and dolls will be an embarrassment to carry. Embrace the new part of her life and keep the communication going.

Your husband still gives you butterflies 6 months after marriage and you can’t imagine a world without him.  I hope you are more in love with him now than the day I write this.  Remember to give him a break every now and then, stay behind to cuddle in the morning and kiss him goodnight every night.  Make sure you still have those random late night talks, even if it is about exes.  The dishes can wait till after sex, the laundry he tends to leave around are signs that he is there, and the late nights are signs he is working hard. 

I hope you aren’t still working in the same place.  I hope you have pushed yourself to somewhere new and are chasing your dreams.  I hope baby toys litter your living room and you watch that baby sleep at night, before you know it that baby will be Rebecca’s age. 

I hope you still support your ex-husband, no matter the choices he decides to make, he is on his own path.

I hope you don’t question spending the money but you take the trip with friends because life is too short to not go on vacation.

When you read this your brother and your best friend will be married, your Father may be gone, your Mother will hopefully have her chance to breathe on her own again.  Friends may divorce and more will marry, make sure you don’t get “too busy” with life that you don’t have time for them all. 

You will be out of the dreaded apartment and in the home you built together.  Just when you want to complain about anything in that house, remember how cold this damn apartment gets in the winter. Remember how much of a pain in the ass carrying the groceries up is and how loud the heater gets. 

This is the part where life gets to going faster.  Your family becomes closer and your friends become more like family and are more permanent.  Life is not measured by break ups  and late night parties but by divorces and back yard get togethers.  At this point you are totally fine with it but don’t become boring.  Have sex with your husband on the back deck and have an unplanned drunk night with friends.  Be spontaneous.  It is okay to do that now. 

I’ll see you in two years.  Cheers.