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We had a long, tough road to get to this point in our lives, 20 weeks pregnant, halfway done.  I am very grateful that I was able to finally get pregnant and we pray for a healthy baby at the end of this pregnancy.

However, I have to tell you the truth, a truth I knew would always happen to me, I hate being pregnant.

There, I said it.  Go ahead, judge and tell me how people would kill to be in my position, I know, I was one of them.  Many women out there would trade a million trips to the bathroom and added pounds to be able to carry their own child, I hear that.  Which is why for many weeks I felt very guilty about this but I refuse to now.

I remember a friend of mine, who is the Mom of 4 boys, told me that whenever I got pregnant she would not be jealous that we would be having a baby but she would be jealous that I would be pregnant.  She loved that part.  She misses that part.  I remember wrinkling my nose at her and wondering if I was missing something.  I thought that maybe my mindset would change once I did become pregnant yet here I am, not blissfully loving every magical moment and that is saying something considering I think I’ve had an easy pregnancy.  I’ve come to learn that if most women are honest, they will tell you they either fall into the camp of loving pregnancy or not loving it.  We see what side I fell on.

I get that it is this amazing time, it is magical, and your body does this crazy cool thing called growing a human but it all weirds me out.  I don’t love my body changing.  I don’t love sharing space to grow my human.  I don’t like that I can only see half of my abs.  I don’t like that I can’t have wine or rum.  I don’t like people staring at my boobs, my bump or asking strange questions.  I don’t like restrictions, people telling me to sit, people carrying shit for me or treating me like I’m fragile.  I don’t like that I have to get over my fear of public bathrooms and you know, use them, because, all the pee.  I hate when my body says enough is enough and I have to sit so I don’t push it to far when my limit used to go way beyond that.  Don’t even get me started on maternity clothes or how sex is so different.

I look on Pinterest and scroll through my Facebook and think how beautiful all these weekly bump and maternity pictures are.  However, it was like pulling teeth for me to take one at 18 weeks and post it to Facebook.  I know if I don’t do some of these pictures, I will regret it.

I hate not knowing what exactly my body will be when this is said and done or even what it will be three weeks from now.  You can tell me your story of your body, your vag, your boobs, your experience but guess what, in the end, everyone is different.

You can call me selfish, vain, anything else and the truth is, you are probably right. It goes beyond that though.  I am a very balanced person that is pretty in tune with my body because I have had to learn to be.  So when things are changing on me daily, I don’t feel balanced.  I feel like I have no control.  Your body takes over control in a crazy way and you are basically screwed.

I want to embrace this time in my life, I truly do.  I know it is all worth it in the end and it goes by quickly.  I’ve found that by just acknowledging that I won’t find this to be the most magical time of my life helps. I’m just not that person and that is okay.  Someone else can fill those shoes.  I don’t need the pressure on me, along with everything else, to fake that I am so very in love with this time in my life.  It will be over in 20 weeks and one day again, a few years down the road, I bet I will get baby fever.  When I do, I will do this all over again because the squishy baby at the end is worth it but for now I’m going to sit here and think about all the wine and rum that is missing me.