A few weeks ago my day care provider told me she was pregnant with her second child and quickly followed it up with her social media announcements. To be fair, she wasn’t joking, she shows very early and it is hard to keep that a secret on her. Personally, I still would have kept it off social media for a bit but that is a different story. Either way I am happy for her and her family.
This morning I walked into her home and she tells me she has been bleeding and cramping for the past two days. She is at 12 weeks now and just had an appointment a week ago where everything looked good. She mentioned that she called her doctor but isn’t going to go in because, in her words, If I miscarry, oh well, we will just try again.
I was slightly startled. I stood there trying to find words. I went from feeling horrible for her to being slightly horrified. How could she be so dismissive about it? I asked her how she honestly felt, thinking she was just hiding her feelings. It happens and what is meant to be will be. I can just get pregnant again.
Everyone is different. Everyone has a different perspective. We all have different paths. She is able to get pregnant easily. She can accept things differently than me.
I still wanted to puke a bit.
I just walked out in a bit of shock. Her final words I’ll call ya if something happens.
Like she will call when she decides what she is making for dinner. Okie dokie.
Apparently the life of a fertile is a little different.
Through My Mistakes 
Well one thing I will say is if she’s never had a miscarriage and she actually does I bet she will change her tune when it happens, as even though I’d been through multiple rounds of IVF before I had mine, I never realize the far-reaching impact that miscarriage would have on my body and soul. I was so clueless . Be prepared that she might be coming to you needing your hugs as much as you need hers.
Then again you never know as I have a friend, oops I mean had a friend, who had had 6 miscarriages yet didn’t think she had anything in common with me… and actually distanced herself so much from me that I just gave up after she flaked out on me so many times. But I have a feeling your friend is probably the first version not the second.
I realized I left out the fact that she has indeed had a miscarriage once before. It wasn’t too long ago. When she speaks of it, she is also very nonchalant. Even after sharing my story with her she seems to brush it all off. It is so strange.
Interesting for sure. Well we definitely all handle crises differently, maybe hers is suppressed pretty deep. I’m a heart-on-my-sleeves gal, myself.
I find that some women are just so blasé about getting pregnant that they don’t realize how insensitive their comments might be. When you are quite fertile you don’t really think about the people who struggle to conceive and making jokes about how it only took two tries could actually be really upsetting to someone else. I was in this camp. It didn’t take us long to conceive H and, when I met up with my mom’s group, I made a joke about it to a new friend I didn’t realize it took 3 years for her and her husband to conceive, who will likely be their one and only child. She very gently told me about it and I immediately felt horrible. Lesson learned to be more sensitive when it comes to baby conception.
Even as a fertile I am a little shocked at her “oh well, we will try again” attitude. 12 weeks along does she not feel any connection to the child growing inside of her? Does she not value that little human and want to do nothing but protect it? It’s just so bizarre to me!
I forgot to mention that she did previously have a miscarriage and was just as blasé about it. I just don’t know how to take it! I do get fertile’s may not realize how silly or hurtful they sound. I am to the point I can brush it off but to just brush off a possible 12 week miscarriage…yea, where is the connection?? Fingers crossed that is not what happens though!
That isn’t a fertile woman’s thing, most of the women I know would be devastated! She must just be the odd one out for sure. Doesn’t she feel that connection to her baby?
I fell pregnant fairly easily as my issues were discovered before we started trying and were easily fixed. I fell in love with my baby from the appearance of those two pink lines and have just continued to fall deeper in love with each ultrasound, each time I feel his little movements and with each day as my body grows. I knew the stats, I knew people who had miscarried, I knew and still know that this baby growing inside me can be snatched away at any time. I appreciate every single day of my pregnancy. It baffles me there are women who just shrug and go ‘we will try again anyway’….but you can never have that child again, that unique combination….so strange.
You are right, not just a fertile woman’s thing. I know she is happy for this baby as well. It just seems so strange. It makes me a bit sick to my stomach. From 2 pink lines for me, it was all the love!
It is strange! But the world has all sorts I guess! 10 weeks-ish till I get to hopefully meet my baby boy 🙂 so excited!
All right, here’s some perspective for you guys. I am a woman who is infertile and who had many miscarriages (and was devastated). At age 37 we decided not to try anymore. When we were fully entrenched into our childless life, I became unexpectedly pregnant again. I could not attach to the baby at the beginning of pregnancy not because I’m a cold-hearted bitch, but because I was ambivalent about having a child so late in life, and after designing my future to be child free (this involved many big decisions like downsizing our housing, and completely rearranging our finances and lifestyle).
Your daycare provider is already a mother and takes care of several other children during the day. Maybe she feels ambivalent about having another child to care for at this time.
Violet, thank you for sharing your story and your side. I completely can agree with you on this. I do know many women who have had a hard time becoming attached to their pregnancy. I will say, for this woman, this was a wanted and tried for pregnancy. I know she has been excited about the baby as well and talking about plans for the nursery and so forth. Thankfully, yesterday, she did find out that she is NOT having a miscarriage but has some other issues that will resolve and she should continue with a healthy pregnancy!
Hummmm. Well, don’t be so sure you know what she’s really thinking on the inside. Maybe she’s telling people it was planned for and she’s happy about it…that’s what I had to tell people, because the real truth wasn’t socially acceptable. Then again, perhaps you’re right and she just doesn’t feel miscarriage is a big deal. We’re just all so different.