It wasn’t until I had Cora that I finally understood why moms wanted to join play groups for kiddos. The opportunity to sit around with other moms and chat started sounding really appealing. Sure, I have mom friends that I can talk to, have wine with, but unfortunately most of my friends have older kiddos. They are ones that used to come to me, when I had the oldest in the group but now roles are reversed. They no longer want to talk about late nights, sleep regression and why the hell my baby hates food. They have moved on to elite sports, 5th grade homework, and school bullies. Sure, we can still swap stories but we are still in two different worlds.
My Husband and I recently went to a 2 year olds birthday party that changed my mind all over again. We sat in a room of virtual strangers, my baby being the second to youngest child in the room. Mostly moms, my Husband the only lingering Dad. I watched children converse with my child and it was different from watching her play with her friends at daycare. Kind of funny. Interesting to watch who she took to and who she didn’t. I noticed how different my baby was compared to others, in a good way. Not saying she is better or they are better, just different.
The moms seemed to naturally come together, chatting, and sharing stories. I couldn’t quite find myself comfortable enough to join their conversation. They asked a few questions but my answers didn’t feel up to par for them. Mean while, my 9 month old sat at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at something she had never seen before and started climbing, my Husband a few feet away, leaning against the wall, watching. One mom looked at me in horror, questioning my child climbing stairs without us two inches from her. My answer “She has strange climbing habits we encourage. She will figure it out or one of us will catch her. There is carpet.” Basically we know what she is capable of. She was fine.
Silence from them all.
Two points against me.
The one mom held her baby tighter like I might put her up a flag pole next. My baby made it to the second floor and turned around to wave at us, so proud and yelled out “Dada!” My Husband went up to teach her how to come back down the steps backwards.
How do you possible leave her to go to the gym? How is her schedule? You know, your husband can go into the other room and hang out with the other men, right? Does your baby actually answer to her name?
So many questions kept coming. I felt like I was being rated. What the fuck do you mean does she answer to her name? Is there wine here?
My Husband later pointed out to me they weren’t quite my type. Okay, that makes sense. Just because you are a mom doesn’t mean you are my type of mom to hang out with. Just like you may not be the person I want to get drunk with in Mexico or you may not find my planking contests, while taking shots, on the boat, to be amusing. So maybe we can’t all be friends because we are raising a child of similar age. Why didn’t this cross my mind before hand?
So I’ll stick with my friends to drink with. They don’t seem to mind that I come out in public with a baby strapped to me 50% of the time. The other 50% is because she has a Dad who is cool parenting her as well and doesn’t just reside himself to the men’s area of the house. Plus, making friends as an adult is hard work.
Have you found a mommy group that fits you?
Through My Mistakes 
I so get what you mean!!! My husband is an equal parent and is with our son just as much as I am, and I wouldn’t have it any other way! And I also feel judged for being so relaxed with our son – we are always within arms reach but we also want to encourage him to explore and learn.
And i agree that making new friends is so hard to do at this point in life, and just because someone else is a mom doesn’t mean we are destined to be best friends.
I suppose that is where different parenting techniques come into play….which I totally get. It is like having a different religion. But it can sometimes make it strange. I think we get into our own family bubbles and it is hard to move out of them!
I never felt comfortable in groups of others when mine were young. Always felt judged by them.
It certainly is tough!
I never feel comfortable in groups like that…I am almost dreading having to go to mother’s group. I don’t play nicely with other women generally speaking. I have my close girlfriends and that is about it! 😛
I always struggled in group settings with women as well! I thought maybe having more in common would help but apparently birthing a child is about all we had in common. Oops!
My answer is no I haven’t. I have a few friends with kids that I sometimes hang out with but honestly it’s my infertility crowd that I prefer to hang out with the most. Btw, we let our 10 month old climb the stairs solo all the time. He’s a master at it. Why stop them?
IT makes life easier if you don’t slow them down I think! And I bet that infertility group is better to hang out with than so many others!
Other moms are just…so mommified. Not that it’s a bad thing to focus on your child – but the moms that I absolutely cannot get along with (or rather, I can, but we would never be friends if we didn’t have children of the same age) are the ones that feel they have no right to be their own person, their own woman. That girl they once were and still are…past the dirty diapers and sleepless nights and dusty binkies.
Amen to this. Yes, the ones that don’t think you could possibly leave your children for a night of drinking and laughter. Nope, that just isn’t me.
about two months into being a new mom I found my group of mom friends. it was through a community centre mom and baby drop in program. there was about 15 people there, but slowly as the weeks went on and people started to talk and learn about one another, everyone started to drift off into smaller groups. eventually a group of about 7 of us were going for coffee after the drop in program and then down the road we completely dropped the community centre and started to have our own meet ups. we have had a couple nights out with lots of wine and have gone and done the girly manicure thing together. we all have fairly similar, relaxed parenting styles which is why we clicked. I know not everyone is as lucky to find people that they click with and don’t feel judged. this group isn’t perfect though. as our kids are getting older and more independent, there are little differences in parenting that are starting to show. all the other kids are walking, but my guy isn’t yet. they will all have been walking for a couple months before H starts, I’m sure. So all the time I get the “how come he isn’t walking yet?” or “Oh, H is so funny being the only one crawling after his friends as they run away.” It drives me nuts, even though I know it’s likely harmless and they aren’t judging. I mean, how could his lack of walking be caused by my parenting? Or when I kept H in his bucket car seat for as long as humanly possible instead of switching him to a convertible car seat, I got little off hand comments about that too. I admitted, not too long ago, that once or twice I have handed my cellphone to H to hold and stare at the colourful screen while I changed his diaper as it was driving me nuts that day as he kept trying to crawl away or flip over at every diaper change. The cellphone meant he stayed still for a moment. We’re talking probably 1 minute of him holding the phone. The looks on their faces was of pure shock. How could I let my 1 year old use a cellphone? Screens are bad. All that kind of stuff. As a mom, you do what works best for you and your family. You know your kid best and that’s where decisions come from. Just like you would try not to judge one other mom for her choices, you would hope that the same mom won’t judge you for your choices. It always totally baffles me that women who are moms judge other moms. It’s the hardest job out there, and they know that, and they also know that you gotta do what you gotta do to survive.
That sounds exactly like what I am looking for. I think the hardest thing is that no matter what, someone will judge. I get that. And dude, the changing/wrestling diaper fight. I feel your pain. I hand her anything to get her to stay still for 15 seconds. Survival of the fittest indeed.